WHAT's GOING ON WITH DAKOTA?

It’s day one of first grade!  Yay!!  You see little Dakota off at the bus stop and turn around hoping that this school year is more fruitful than the last.  Your stomach knots thinking about the constant stream of phone calls that you received last year in reference to your kid’s behavior.  “Little Dakota isn’t getting along with the other children.”  “Little Dakota keeps interrupting me when I’m speaking.”  “Little Dakota is being disruptive.”  “Little Dakota this.”  “Little Dakota that.”  “Little Dakota… wah wah woh wah wah wah.”  (Think Ms. Othmar, the teacher from Charlie Brown.)

Day one passes uneventfully and your child returns home smiling and all is well with the world!  Days two and three are uneventful as well and you allow yourself to take a few shallow breaths.  Week two passes and you think you’re home free… perhaps Little Dakota has finally made a transition in terms of maturity!  Then the phone calls begin… sigh.  The teacher is complaining that your child is a behavioral issue and that perhaps he needs to be evaluated.  Now wait a minute!  Little Dakota doesn’t need an evaluation!  Dakota is perfectly able to follow rules at home and is quite amazingly able to focus effectively when he’s engaged in an activity that he’s interested in.  Dakota is also quiet and focused when he is lost in a book.  All of these things you relay to “Ms. Othmar”… who is, by the way, convinced that Little Dakota is an amped-up, alien-baby who’s an imminent danger to the future educational advancement of all his human classmates.  Sheesh!   What’s a parent to do? 

The truth is that Dakota may be bored out of his young, first grade mind and looking for alternate ways to entertain himself while enduring forced sequestration with children who he feels are no company for him.  The truth is that Little Dakota is very likely gifted.  Parents often wonder at one point or another whether their child is gifted.  What does gifted mean anyway?  What measure is used to assess the level of a child’s abilities?  Is it possible to be gifted in ways other than academically? 

The term, gifted, is used by different schools, organizations, and cultures in many different ways.  Little Dakota may have a well above average IQ (Intelligence Quotient), an extraordinarily high emotional IQ or a great level of maturity, but those aren’t the only gauges of gifted ability.  Gifted children may be gauged by a broader range of criteria.  The National Association for Gifted Children (NAGC) offers the following definition:

"Gifted individuals are those who demonstrate outstanding levels of aptitude (defined as an exceptional ability to reason and learn) or competence (documented performance or achievement in top 10 percent or rarer) in one or more domains. Domains include any structured area of activity with its own symbol system (e.g., mathematics, music, language) and/or set of sensorimotor skills (e.g., painting, dance, sports)."

Well before you think to have your child formally tested, consider that kids are often commonly identified as gifted by the observations of families, teachers, and friends.  Below are some of the characteristic traits of children gifted in terms of general intellectual ability, adapted from a detailed checklist from Austega (a group for people interested in resources for the gifted child).  Note: no one gifted child exhibits all the traits.

1. Learns rapidly, easily, and efficiently 
2. Has exceptionally large vocabulary for their age
3. Demonstrates unusual reasoning power
4. Has an unusually strong memory, but is bored with memorization and recitation
5. Needs little outside control — applies self-discipline
6. Has a liking for structure, order, and consistency
7. Is flexible in thinking patterns; makes unusual associations between remote ideas
8. Displays a great curiosity about objects, situations, or events; asks provocative questions
9. Makes good grades in most subjects
10. Has a power of concentration, an intense attention that excludes all else
11. Provides very alert, rapid answers to questions
12. Is resourceful, solving problems by ingenious methods
13. Has avid interest in science or literature
14. Reveals originality in oral and written expression
15. Has a power of abstraction, conceptualization and synthesis
16. Is secure emotionally
17. Tends to dominate peers or situations
18. Uses a lot of common sense
19. Displays a willingness to accept complexity
20. Is perceptually open to his or her environment

Your child may also show exceptional abilities in other categories such as specific academic aptitude, creative thinking and production, leadership, psychomotor ability, and visual and performing arts.

Academic aptitude specific to a particular subject

• shows similar characteristics to general intellectual ability but concentrated around one or a few fields
• has a long attention span in specific areas of interest
• learns rapidly, easily and with less repetition in one or a few specific areas (probably not all subject areas)
• likes or loves one or a few areas of knowledge
• likes to study some subjects more than others
• spends time voluntarily beyond ordinary assignments on projects of interest to him or her
• is able to extend learning from these key areas to various situations somewhat unrelated in orientation
• is able to show broad perspective on one or more subject areas
• is able to judge own and others' relative abilities in key areas of interest
• seeks assistance of others beyond his age or peer group for the purpose of extending knowledge in areas of interest

Creative thinking and production

• is fluent in producing and elaborating on ideas
• makes unusual associations between remote ideas
•  is flexible in thinking patterns
• senses when problems exist
• acts spontaneously, intuitively
• tolerates ambiguity and uncertainty
• senses inconsistencies and discontinuities
• readily guesses and makes hypotheses
• juggles or redefines elements of a problem or task
• can show intense concentration on a task
• retains own ideas in a discussion or collaboration
• provides multiple solutions or responses to problems
• is uninhibited in expression, sometimes radical
• is intellectually playful, interested in fantasy, imagination
• always trying to adapt or improve things
• has a keen sense of humor, seeing humor in situations others don't
• doesn't mind being different
• doesn't accept authoritarian pronouncements without own judgment
• asks provocative questions, challenges parents, teachers, written texts and other authorities
• is bored with memorization and recitation
• displays energy, sometimes disruptively
• produces unexpected, sometimes "silly" responses
• is considered, and perhaps resented, by some peers as "odd"
• can show unusual degrees of originality, concentration and persistent hard work on projects that capture their interest and imagination 

Leadership

• can stimulate and arouse others
•  organizes others
• recognizes skills and abilities possessed by others
• interacts with others easily showing social skills
• recognizes and can articulate the goals of a group
• can articulate ideas clearly
• can listen to others empathetically
• understands how people feel and how groups function
• can give directions clearly and effectively
• exercises authority reliably and responsibly
• can adopt non-leadership roles within a group
• can establish the mood of a group
• supports others in a group when appropriate
•  can coordinate the work of several individuals
• is often asked for ideas and suggestions
• is looked to by others when something must be decided 

Psychomotor ability

• is rhythmic
• is athletic
• likes to play physically
• has a suitable body build
• is coordinated, balanced and confident in physical activities
• is inventive in constructing or modifying games
• is energetic
• is able to understand the intellectual aspects of psychomotor activities
• demonstrates endurance, stamina and persistence in physical activities
• demonstrates prowess in physical activities 

Visual and performing arts

Music

•  has good sense of rhythm
• is well-coordinated
• discriminates musical and other sounds well
• understands musical relationships
• enjoys musical activities and demonstrates musical feeling
• shows tonal memory
• responds readily to rhythm, melody and harmony
• uses music to express feeling or experience
• makes up original tunes
• enjoys dance and dramatic activities with musical elements 

Drama/theatre

• demonstrates interest and enjoyment in dramatic activities
• readily shifts into role of another character, animal or object
• uses voice to reflect changes in mood
• demonstrates understanding of conflict when acting out a dramatic event
• communicates feelings by means of facial expressions, gestures and bodily movements
• enjoys evoking emotional responses from listeners
• demonstrates ability to dramatize feelings and experiences
• brings a dramatic situation to a climax with a well-timed ending when telling a story 

Art

• draws a variety of objects
•  puts depth into drawing, showing planning and good proportion
• treats art seriously and enjoys it
• shows originality in modes of undertaking art
• is willing to try out new materials and experiences
• pursues art in spare time
• uses art to express feelings and experiences
• is interested in other people's art, both appreciating it and criticizing it
• likes to model three dimensionally with clay, soap carving, plasticine, etc. 

Before you run out and have Dakota evaluated for a learning disability, consider that Dakota may be asking for a more challenging environment.  Give Dakota the benefit of the doubt… he just may be thinking on a WayBeyondZ level.

Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them.

ARE YOU READY FOR A NEW COSTAR?

You’ve survived the hell that was your divorce.  It’s final and you’ve spent the requisite time in therapy addressing the temporary insanity issues that it caused and you are ready to consider another relationship.  I’m here to tell you that this is a good news/bad news situation, as getting into a new relationship is the second leading cause of temporary insanity.  Throw some kids who are attached like Velcro to their recently divorced mama into the mix and what you have could be as volatile as an explosion in a high school science lab!  Don’t get me wrong, a new relationship is exciting and could be a blissful experience if you finally meet your real soul mate, as opposed to the “play-play” or practice soul mate who was disguised as your real soul mate just with less depth of emotion and substance… well, you get my drift.  But to avoid putting yourself and your kids through another round of family based drama, extreme care and caution is required.     

I’ve given this a great amount of thought and here are some guidelines to help you steer clear of trouble (and possibly falling victim to temporary insanity):

Skip the short film and go for feature length:  The new relationship phase is like a new car smell… everyone craves it but it is short lived and then the real life phase sets in and if you’re not careful you’ve rushed past the friend building (foundation) and raced into the family building stage… no es bueno.  I know, I know… everything about a new relationship makes you want to race full speed ahead but you can’t expect to take your brand new boyfriend to forever-and-ever life partner in a matter of days.  As a recently (or not so recently) divorced person who doubles as a mature and responsible adult, on most days, you know that that would be majorly stupid and has the potential to unravel the life you’ve worked hard to reassemble for yourself and for your kids.  You do remember the living hell that your divorce was, don’t you?  You may even vaguely remember that you were at one time head-over-heels in love with your ex, before you realized that he was your “play-play” or practice soul mate who was disguised as your real soul mate just with less depth of emotion and substance… sorry, I digress.  My point is that you know full well that sometimes things that seem really amazing in the very beginning turn out to be pretty awful in the end.  Just savor your piece of cake one delicious bite at a time instead of stuffing it down whole.  Don’t rush ahead and ruin what could be a good thing.

Don’t fast forward:  Two dates and BAM!  “We’re meeting mommy’s friend for dinner!  Isn’t that wonderful?!”  No, actually it isn’t.  Your kids have had enough waves without involving them in your new love life.  If your kids end up liking the guy they will form emotional attachments and if it doesn’t work out you’ve set them up for an emotional loss that was totally avoidable.  The flip side is if they hate him, he may become a wedge between you and your Velcro babies and this creates tension for everyone.  Hold off on the introductions until you’re sure that it’s worth the upheaval that it has the potential to cause.  You need a vetting period of months (not days) and don’t introduce him until you’re reasonably sure that he’s going to be around for the forseeable future.       

You’re not casting for the role of replacement parent:  Do not force the relationship between your new beau and your kids.  That should happen in its own time and at its own rate and pace.  Furthermore, your kids already have a mom and dad even if he did turn out to be for “play-play” or your practice soul mate who was disguised as your real soul mate just with less depth of emotion and substance.  He is still their dad and should be respected as such… period!  You need to model what it looks like to approach a relationship in a mature manner, which in this case means with some self-control and restraint.  This is a lesson that will serve your children well in many ways and for a long time to come.      

You’re the casting director of your love life:  Your kids don’t get to decide who you date or fall head-over-heels in love with.  They do decide whether or not they like him.  Please do not be surprised if your Velcro babies don’t like him at first.  Most kids who have had any kind of consistency in their lives do not like to have their home dynamic switched up.  While it’s not prudent to try to force him down their throats, it is prudent to insist that they treat him respectfully while they work through the transition of having you all to themselves to sharing you with someone else.

Poor reviews:  So, your kids hate your new boyfriend.   Give them an opportunity to explain their feelings and listen attentively.  If your daughter tells you that he gives her the creeps and he flashes her when you’re not looking or your son tells you that he calls him nasty names and elbows him intentionally on the basketball court you should be the mother bear that you are meant to be and kick his ass with the speed of a ninja and don’t spare the nunchucks or assassin blades.  If they tell you that they’ve observed him rifling through your jewelry box or setting up a poisonous spider terrarium in your basement, these are things that don’t require kung fu on the blacktop at 5:15, but you should probably consider breaking up with him and reconsider your vetting criteria.  But if the children tell you that he is an attention hog or that you shouldn’t be dating because who needs a man when you have kids then you need to sit them down and have a discussion with them.  Complaints of that nature indicate that their objections aren't based on anything specific to him; but rather they dislike the idea of your having any boyfriend at all.  This is understandable.  From their standpoint, there's a big gross-out factor when it comes to the idea of their mama being all starry-eyed over some guy and doing all of those things that go along with dating.  Plus he is cutting in on their time.  There is no need to break up with (or beat up) your boyfriend over unfounded complaints and you probably don’t want to send the message that they have that level of authority over your love life, as this may set a precedent that you will quickly come to regret.  What you probably should do is make some adjustments to remove some of the pressure.  Continue to see your boyfriend, but temporarily go back to seeing him away from the house and/or at times when your kids are not around.  Don't hide the fact you're continuing to see him; just don't include your kids in your plans for now.  They need more time to adjust to this new arrangement.  Over time the resistance will diminish then you can slowly ramp up the occasions when your boyfriend is included in family events.  An added benefit is that it will afford you additional time to get to know him.  Your reward for being sensitive to your kids' needs is that your kids will be far more likely to actually like your new flame (rather than simply accepting him) if they don’t feel like he is being forced upon them.  All of this actually gives your relationship a greater chance of succeeding.       

Your kids are not supporting actors:  Every relationship has its share of bumps in the road.  You having been off the market and out of the dating scene haven’t dealt with the dynamics of a new relationship for a substantial period of time.  You may feel the need to process these developments by talking about them.  PLEASE grab a girlfriend, a Soror or hire a therapist but DO NOT process this with your kids.  This will not bond you to them or make you cool.  This behavior has the potential to damage your relationship with your kids.  They will develop diminished respect for you and reduce you from mom to BFF and if you and your beau have a spat (and you will) you two may be able to kiss and make up, but your kids may not be so quick to forgive and forget. 

Have a heart to heart with your leading man:   Before you and your new boyfriend meet each other’s kids, you should make sure you are both on the same page.  If you’re not comfortable enough to have the conversation, then you definitely don’t know him well enough to introduce him to your children.  If you find yourself more worried about how he will react than how your kids are going to be treated, then that's a pretty clear sign that you're suffering from temporary insanity.  When you put concerns about your new relationship ahead of concerns for your children, you need to spend less time dating and more time thinking about your priorities.  Find a WayBeyondZ therapist and wait until you’re ready!  There is no rush. 

Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.

~Oprah Winfrey

My Mama always said you've got to put the past behind you before you can move on.
~ Forrest Gump

SUPERHERO DADS ROCK!!

My fondest memories of my dad have no basis in cash imbursements.  My memories do not include showing gratitude regarding tuition payments, or the purchasing of school uniforms.  My memories don’t extend to ever wondering how bills were paid once I received my coveted bright orange, daisy-print banana-seat, yellow-basket-in-the-front bike for my ninth birthday.  My fondest memories do, however, include my dad running alongside my bright orange, daisy-print banana-seat, yellow-basket-in-the-front bike while teaching me how to ride all while wearing what I’m pretty sure were uncomfortable dress shoes and socks that looked “slippery”.  My fond memories also include my daddy who eventually rode me on the back of the aforementioned little-girl bike when I fell off, lost interest and just could no longer be bothered ‘cause my girlfriends were playing double-dutch and my best friend Yvette, who wasn’t double-handed, was turning.  My fondest memories ensured me that I was unconditionally loved… my dad was a superhero!  MY superhero!

My dad who I thought was as big as a mountain as a kid and turned out to be only 5’11’ tall and not as hulking as I previously thought once I approached adolescence (and his height) and had to finally stop (with many tears and much ado) making him bend down so I could climb onto his shoulders, which was my preferred mode of transportation.  At almost 5’5’’ tall I’m sure this looked absurd, but my daddy indulged me (much to my mother’s amusement) for as long as he was physically able… because he was a superstar!  MY superstar!

My fondest memories include getting all dressed up early Saturday evenings and going to Serendipity on the UES for no reason at all.  I also remember that my first Tiffany’s blue box that enclosed the most perfect, tiny platinum ring with three tiny inlaid diamonds across the top came from my daddy.  With the ring, came a card that let me know I was adored and cherished.  My dad never missed an opportunity to let me know that I was his Princess and should be treated as such.  This set the stage for my expectations from men going forward.  MY daddy rocked!

How a father treats his daughter will shape how she views herself and how she expects to be treated by other people, but especially men, for the rest of her life.  She needs her dad’s unconditional love and acceptance!  With this she will not crave male love, as she has always had it (we’ve all seen the tragic outcomes of this during adolescence).  Dads play a major role in how girls feel about themselves.  His encouragement and approval help to develop her confidence and feelings of adequacy.  While men judge each other by performance, women often judge each other by physical beauty.  A father who comments on his daughter’s internal qualities gives her a healthy self-image that is not overly dependent on her physical attributes.  It is a father’s duty to help develop her self-esteem by connecting her accomplishments to something not related to her physical beauty, for ultimately she has very little control over that (I was a late bloomer and thank goodness I knew I was a Princess… a narrow-hipped, flat-chested Princess, but a Princess none the less).

 

It’s also very important for a girl to have respect for her dad.  Let’s face it, an adolescent will only abide by her dad’s rules and follow his directives if she respects him.  When she is a young child this obedience may be more fear driven, as fathers represent a natural authority figure.  This will change as adolescence sets in and she realizes that there is nothing forcing her compliance other than her love and respect for her father.  One way to reinforce respect is to speak the absolute truth to her.  When you lie she loses faith in not only you, but men in general as well as in herself as she will believe that she doesn’t deserve honesty.  Transparency is important!  Fathers who can admit when they make mistakes are a blessing to their daughters.  A dad who can admit that he has made a mistake or that he doesn’t know something teachers his daughter to trust in him, and by extension to trust men in general.  Make an effort to be a WayBeyondZ superhero dad!  Your daughter will hold all the fond memories you’ve given her and lessons that you’ve taught her in her heart forever. 

"[Dad] was a unique man who hurtled through life like a geologic force, depositing gold nuggets for me to mine.”
― LeeGale Gruen, Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter's Journey Through a Senior Acting Class

“Daughter, we didn't need your note - or a prince's visit - to tell us you'd done nothing wrong. We know the daughter we raised. We fear for your future, but never for your character. You take our love and our trust wherever you wander. 
Father.” 
― Gail Carson Levine, Fairest

MIDDLE SCHOOL AT 9

Most of my regular readers know a significant amount about my dyslexic son, Jordan, and our circuitous academic journey towards achieving reading fluency.  This post will introduce you to my youngest child, Julia.  Julia, like Jordan, is a tremendously gifted child.  But unlike Jordan, her ability to read and comprehend text way above her grade level and colorfully express her thoughts in writing are pretty impressive, if I do say so myself!

Julia began talking super early, very clearly and she went from cooing to stringing words together into sentences practically overnight.  Julia mostly taught herself to read at three-and-a-half and developed an almost eerie level of spelling accuracy.  Julia once told me that she saw words in her head in colors when people spoke to her.  I didn’t quite understand the weight of this statement when she relayed it to me.  In all honesty, my response was something akin to “how cool is that!” and chalked it up to some nonsensical “kidism”… you know the odd things that little kids say that often don’t make sense, but you don’t dare tell them that for fear of hurting their feelings or worse yet frustrating them by having to explain to a clearly dumb (foggy from fatigue) mommy who lost the ability to think like a kid “way back in the day” as my kids are fond of pointing out (insert Aunt Esther from Sanford and Sons’ sideeye here).  At this juncture, I might add, that Julia had a lot to say, ALL THE TIME, which combined with the fatigue inherently connected with actively parenting two kids born less than two years apart significantly enhanced my mental fog.  Julia chattered from the moment she opened her eyes in the morning until bedtime and beyond as she was, and still is, prone to talking in her sleep!  When around 3-years-old I began to see her ability to retain and utilize vocabulary in her daily speech pick up speed at an amazing rate her “colorful words” comment became clearer, but when she began showing a talent for expressing herself in writing, a few years later, the “colorful words” in her head really took on a grander meaning.

        

Julia’s pre-k experience entailed her being bored and often escorting the school’s admin around to deliver things to various classrooms and helping other kids with spelling their names… not exactly what I was hoping for in a first school year experience.  Julia attended the charter school where Jordan was enrolled for her kindergarten year.  This was a far more fulfilling experience for me; however, she kept getting reprimanded for leaving her seat.  When I asked her why she wasn’t able to remain seated she said, “There are kids who can’t read yet and need my help.”  Unfortunately, this behavior progressed to taking control of the smart board when the teacher was distracted and finally escalated into a spirited back and forth with her first grade teacher, on day 2 of school, over choosing a book in the library.  Julia wanted a chapter book and her teacher insisted on a picture book.  Julia won the argument and the ability to choose her own reading material going forward.  An added bonus was the option to skip the first grade.  The offer was promptly accepted and Julia (and her chapter books) moved across the hall into her new classroom!

There are definitely some immediate benefits to grade skipping.  The most obvious one being that your child will be academically challenged and stimulated by their school work.  For those with a child who is bored stiff in a class where every bit of material presented is material that the child has long ago mastered, they know what it's like to watch their child lose interest in school and have that energy be transferred to less productive activities, like poking around at the smart board.

Julia’s adjustment was seamless and she quit trying to take over the classroom!  Her social interaction with other students improved as she no longer felt the need to mother them.  This seemed to be, at least in part, due to the fact that she was spending more time with children who were a bit older, and generally, a bit more mature than the students who filled her previous class.  Academically advanced children are sometimes often a bit mature for their ages as well. 

Although the effects of grade skipping really do often appear to have some strong benefits for the child throughout their elementary years, once that child enters middle and high school, things can change.  Thankfully, Julia has continued to flourish academically and socially, but my concern is that she is now in middle school just shy of three weeks after her ninth birthday.  Some of her peers are travelling to and from school alone; some are interested in initiating boyfriend/girlfriend-like relationships and not to mention that part of the middle school curriculum includes a sex education class.  In addition, kids who are now, because they are all one to three years older than Julia, well into their puberty transformation, making them not only physically more mature, but sometimes downright huge?  Jesus, hold the wheel!  Thankfully, Julia is pretty tall and does not stand out as being significantly younger, save the still immature body.  Her lack of ‘fatty deposits” doesn’t bother me in the least and quite frankly she hasn’t mentioned it yet, but I’m sure it will become an issue at some point and I would hate for her self-esteem to take a hit as a result.

If this goes well, Julia will enter high school at 13 and will be going away to college at almost 17.  Scary that at this age most kids will have experimented with drugs, alcohol and sex.  Jesus be a fence!  My only advice is to keep the lines of communication open.  I talk to Julia about any and everything openly and honestly.  If I don’t have answers immediately, I find her the answers that she needs and circle back around to her.  I’m hoping she will have a WayBeyondZ year!

“Middle school is kind of like Middle-earth.  It’s a magical journey filled with elves, dwarves, hobbits, queens, kings, and a few corrupt wizards. Word to the wise: pick your traveling companions well.  Ones with the courage and moral fiber to persevere.  Ones who wield their lip gloss like magic wands when confronted with danger. This way, when you pass through the congested hallways rife with pernicious diversion, you achieve your desired destination—or at least your next class.

― Kimberly Dana, Lucy and CeCee's How to Survive (and Thrive) in Middle School

KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED... Childhood Sexual Abuse is Real

Yes, I’m a proud helicopter mom… there I said it!  If you’re like me, you’d rather err on the side of caution than take chances with my children’s safety.  There should be no task more important to a parent than to keep his/her children safe from harm.  The problem is that sometimes harmful things are right under our noses, and sometimes harmful thing are also shameful things and we are more comfortable hiding our heads in the sand.  It can be very difficult to talk about sexual abuse and even more difficult to acknowledge that sexual abuse of children of all ages (including infants) happens every day.

The prevalence of child sexual abuse is not known because so many victims do not disclose or report their abuse.  Research has suggested rates varying from 1% - 35%.  Most professionals in the field of abuse place the rates at 8% - 20%.

Adult retrospective studies show that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men were sexually abused before the age of 18 (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2006).  This means there are more than 42 million adult survivors of child sexual abuse in the United States.

·      The primary reason that the public is not sufficiently aware of child sexual abuse as a problem is that 73% of child victims do not tell anyone about the abuse for at least a year.  45% of victims do not tell anyone for at least 5 years.  Some never disclose (Smith et al., 2000; Broman-Fulks et al., 2007).

     Sadly, it is highly likely that you know a child who has been or is currently being abused.  Being that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused before their 18th birthdays.  This means that in any classroom or neighborhood full of children, there are children who are silently bearing the burden of sexual abuse. 

·       The median age for reported sexual abuse is 9 years old.  Approximately 20% of the victims of sexual abuse are under age eight and .  50% of all victims of forcible sodomy, sexual assault with an object, and forcible fondling are under age twelve.  Yes, I know the statistics just caused your blood to run cold.  More shockingly... most child victims never report the abuse.  Sexually abused children who keep it a secret or who "tell" and are not believed are at greater risk than the general population for psychological, emotional, social, and physical problems, often lasting into adulthood. 

It is also likely that you know an abuser!  The greatest risk to children doesn't come from strangers but from friends and family.

• 30-40% of children are abused by family members.
• As many as 60% are abused by people the family trusts- abusers frequently try to form a trusting relationship with parents.
• Nearly 40% are abused by older or larger children.  This may be very difficult to acknowledge, but be mindful of the interactions of unrelated step-siblings or children who are friends of the family. 
• There are no telltale signs, people who abuse children look and act just like everyone else.  In fact, they often go to great lengths to appear trustworthy and to gain access to children.

The fact is that there are dire consequences of childhood sexual abuse… other than the obvious trauma. 

• 70 - 80% of sexual abuse survivors report excessive drug and alcohol use.
• One study showed that among male survivors, 50% have suicidal thoughts and more than 20% attempt suicide.
• Young girls who are sexually abused are more likely to develop eating disorders as adolescents.
• More than 60% of teen first pregnancies are preceded by experiences of molestation, rape or attempted rape.  The average age of the offenders is 27 years old.
•  Approximately 40% of sex offenders report sexual abuse as children.
• Both males and females who have been sexually abused are more likely to engage in prostitution.

As a parent, there are a host of ways you can minimize opportunity.  Be vigilant.  Never let your guard down and never leave children unsupervised.  Abusers often become friendly with potential victims and their families, enjoying family activities, earning trust, and gaining time alone with children.  Think carefully about the safety of any one-adult/one-child situations and always choose group situations/activities when possible.  Think carefully about the safety of situations in which older youth have access to younger children, like sleepovers at friends’ houses.  Make sure that multiple adults are present who will commit to supervising any and all interactions (supervision doesn’t mean saying good night and retiring behind closed doors while children are left to fend for and protect themselves against any potentially harmful situation).  Be mindful that incidents of sexual abuse often happen in a home when adults are home, just failing to supervise young children with older or larger youths.

 

Parents, as difficult as this topic is… talk about it!  Barriers can be broken down by talking openly and frankly about it.  An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  It’s never too early to begin having age appropriate talks with your children, and by all means, please believe your children and take appropriate precautions to ensure their safety. 

  

Children are sometimes afraid to tell for a variety of reasons.  For one, abusers shame their victims and point out that they “allowed” the abuse to happen.  Sometimes abusers manipulate their victims by telling them that their parents will be angry if they tell, or confuse the child about what is right and what is wrong (this is why talking frankly to your children early on is imperative).  Abuser sometimes threatens the child or a family member and children are afraid of disappointing their parents and disrupting the family.  Some children who do not initially disclose abuse are ashamed to tell when it happens again.  Some victims are simply too young to understand.

One problem is that signs of sexual abuse are not always obvious.  Signs are often there but you need to know how to spot them.  Physical signs of sexual abuse are not common, although redness, rashes or swelling in the genital area, urinary tract infections, or other like symptoms should be carefully investigated.  Also, problems associated with anxiety, such as chronic stomach pain or headaches, may occur.  Emotional or behavioral signs are more common.  These signs may include withdrawal or depression to anger and rebellion.  Sexual behavior and language that are not age appropriate are also red flags.  Alas, in some children there aren’t any signs at all.

 

It is very important to remember, as panic inducing as this topic is, if you suspect any abuse has occurred you must NOT overreact!  Your child will be reading your reaction and reacting to it!  If you react with anger, disbelief or indifference the child’s response will often be to shut down or change the story.  Another byproduct is that the abused child feels even guiltier.  Fact:  Very few reported incidents are false.  You should try to offer support to the child.  Believe the child and make certain that the child knows that you do.  Thank the child for being courageous enough to tell you, then immediately seek the help of a professional who is trained to interview the child about sexual abuse.

Child sexual abuse is a crime and you are obligated to report it.  All 50 states require that professionals who work with children report reasonable suspicions of child abuse.  Some states require that anyone with suspicions report it.  You may be faced with a situation where you suspect abuse but don't have any proof.  Suspicions are scary, but trust your instincts.  Go Way Beyond Z and have the courage to report the suspected abuse.

“The most important thing in defining child sexual abuse is the experience of the child. It takes very little for a child’s world to be devastated. A single experience can have a profound impact on a child’s life. A man sticks his hand in his daughter’s underpants, or strokes his son’s penis once, and for that child, the world is never the same again.” 

― Laura Hough, Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Is a Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse