NOTE TO SELF...

Dearest Self,

Here we find you again, second guessing your competency.  This is really getting kind of tiresome.  I’m really going to need you to put on your listening cap.  You’re an independent, single mom, single-handedly taking care of an entire household!  The universe knows that you are stretched thin making sure every member of your pack is physically fed, financially supported, emotionally bolstered and spiritually nourished.  At the end of every day you are fatigued, overwhelmed and feeling lonely.  Given all you are required to do by yourself it’s no wonder.  Even though you may not currently have a partner supporting your efforts and keeping you warm in his arms at night, your work and selfless acts are not going unnoticed.  You probably don’t see it, but God is working in your favor! 

While there are a million players, users and abusers, the Lord is preparing you to be ready for a great man who is RIGHT NOW looking for all the redeemable qualities you possess.  He is willing to accept all your greatness as well as all of your flaws.  This man will not be the one trying to “holla” at you in the club.  He will not be the man who will try to strong-arm you into a commitment, because he believes he is God’s gift to all women and you are the most recently identified conquest at hand.  He will not be the one who can’t maintain eye contact, because he’s too mesmerized by the swell of your breasts or the shelf of your behind.  He will not be the dude who pretends to be genuine… perched-up at your crib, grinning at you while trying to sweetly wheedle his way into your panties after a few dates.  He will not have unresolved steamer trunk baggage with “baby mamas”, ex-wives and other random straggling women, women with broken hearts brimming with unfulfilled promises made by him to ease the transition into a relationship for his comfort with no intention of ever developing into anything more permanent.    

This man will be God driven, hardworking, respectful, and appreciative of what you bring to the table.  He will be a provider.  He will be a great role model and step father to your kids.  He will embrace all of you, always keeping in mind that you and your children are not individually acquired but are a package deal. 

Girl, just keep being the great woman you are!  Quit looking!  Remain focused and keep presenting yourself with class, never settling for less than you deserve.  Remain patient and keep doing the great job you are doing with your multitude of responsibilities in preparation for this Way Beyond Z man to find you in God’s time.   

Blessings,

The Universe

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and receives favor from the Lord.”

Proverbs 18:22

IN SEARCH OF UNICORNS: Part II (Spark Notes Version)

I see that I touched on a few nerves with last Wednesday’s post.  I’m going to attempt to kill several proverbial birds with one well-lobbed stone and reiterate my position on being a “ride or die chick”… like it or not.

This is the part where I need you all to focus… the “ride or die chick” is different than a good woman!  Good women, in mutually beneficial relationships, where they not only offer, but receive, support are not subject to the “ride or die chick” phenomenon.  They are not falling prey to this perversion where women are being manipulated into thinking that they have to allow themselves to be doormats in order to accommodate someone else’s twisted impression of what it means to be loyal or dedicated.  Relationships require work and I am not referring to the NORMAL adversity that may arise.  Normal adversity is not always due to circumstances that could easily be avoided and is not always caused by only one party in the relationship.  I would not call this type of woman (nor would she likely allow herself to be referred to as) a “ride or die chick”.  A good woman will look at the man who (to use last week’s example) presents with a wife and five kids and needs a place to stay and she will insist that he prove himself to be trustworthy, loyal (a stretch with a wife in tow) and at the very least, a contributing member of her team BEFORE she opens her door and invites him in to stay… because she realizes that just any man will not do.  She will wait for (to use a comment from last week’s post) God to provide her with a good man and use the intelligence that God has bestowed upon her to evaluate the situation in its entirety and make an informed decision based on HER needs and the needs of her family.  God provided her with wisdom for a reason.  A good woman does not accept abuse, disrespect, dishonor and devaluation.  A good woman is loyal and loving and receives support in return.  A good woman exercises good judgment.  A “ride or die chick” has no concept of what any of this means and sees her life through the lens of the man who she is riding with or more significantly, dying for.

I worked for many years in a setting where I interacted with court involved youth.  This system is filled with many young women who are incarcerated and languishing there because they bought into this inane belief that a woman should stand by her man no matter what variety of nonsense he has the unabashed audacity to bring to her door.  They wore their twisted “ride or die” badge of honor proudly and as a result I’ve seen drug charges, assault charges (mostly from fighting the random women who the man they were “riding for” kept introducing into their lives and upon occasion from fighting the man himself after becoming fed up with the constant disrespect and abuse), a few murder charges (for the same reasons), robbery charges, grand and petit larceny and a variety of child abuse and neglect charges (because who has time to be a good mother when you have a man to ride or die for).  These women ADMIT to feeling devalued, having low self-esteem and being willing to do anything, even risking their own lives, freedom and their happiness for the sake of someone who does not love them reciprocally.  Don’t be mistaken… the “ride or die chick” does not only rear her head in prison settings, or among the young and inexperienced…. Oh no!  The “ride or die chick” is stealthily hiding in plain view.  She can be found in board rooms, court rooms, concert halls, church pews... and mirrors.  The “ride or die chick” is a mother, sister, friend and confidant.

 

As an artist, my job is to generate healthy discussions, and given the number and variety of responses I’ve received, I’ve done just that.  Many of my posts are not told from my own perspective but from the perspective of others and I use many observations and discussions with other people as fodder.  The post last week sprung from a conversation that I had a few weeks ago with a young and cherished woman in my family who recanted a recent incident involving a young female acquaintance of hers who was cajoled into performing an illegal act by her boyfriend (and I use that term loosely, as no man who loves and cherishes you would manipulate you into standing by his side in the face of potential danger.  Love doesn’t require personal sacrifice from one party greater than the other party is willing to endure themselves).  He pressured this woman, using the very term that women have been conditioned to respond to… he taunted her for not being his “ride or die chick” (hence the post topic) until she relented.  Unfortunately, this young woman is looking at a substantial term of confinement as a result of her low self-esteem (yes, I said it) and inability to refuse a ridiculous request because of her dedication and loyalty to someone who was clearly undeserving.  She simply could not accept that having no man is better than having one who doesn’t love you enough to, not only keep you out of harm’s way, but not use you as a shield to protect himself from harm’s way.

 

The take away here is not to be so desperate for companionship that you become shortsighted.  I think we can all agree that a good woman supports her family; she stands up for, stands beside, and holds up said family.  When she gets mowed over, disrespected, manipulated into acting against her own character… and still holds on to that man, she moves from being a good woman to being a “ride or die chick”.  Copious amounts of Vaseline (to protect against scaring), brawl related hospital stays, regular interaction with local law enforcement, court appearances and most importantly: incessant feelings of expectations that are not reciprocated are not signs of a fruitful relationship.  From one good woman to another, if you find yourself in turbulent waters and your man is holding on to you as tightly as you are to him… and not trying to climb onto your back to use you as a life raft or submissive partner, then by all means hold on with both hands!  You are going WayBeyondZ! 

Nothing is perfect.  Life is messy.  Relationships are complex.  Outcomes are uncertain.  People are irrational.

~Hugh McKay

IN SEARCH OF A UNICORN

Urban dictionary defines “ride or die chick” as follows:

1.    A chick that ain't afraid to be down with her man; she'll do anything her man needs her to do.

2.    “Ride or die chick” refers to someone who (normally a girl, hence the word chick) is down for everything & anything.  Basically down for both the bad and the good.

I’ve heard full grown, decently educated, adult men say that ‘ride or die chicks’ are the only type of girls that they date and those are the only types of girls that make the dating experience completely worth it.  They mysteriously define this girl as the total package… “She’s your homegirl, your lover and your friend all rolled up into one delectable package.”  She’s been said to know the “tendencies” of her man and understands the way he “works”.  I hear that these ‘ride or die chicks’ are as elusive unicorns, but they are out there and once you find one, you may never want to let her go.

 

Here’s the part where I pick this whole ‘ride or die chick’ theory apart and offer another perspective.  Look fellas… unicorns are real, and easy to find!  They’re just fat and gray and we commonly refer to them as rhinos.  WAKE UP!!  Of course I’m being funny but my point is: Quit looking for imaginary unicorns when alive and well rhinos are in your midst.  You're not looking for a unicorn... you're looking for a woman with low self-esteem who will allow you to take advantage of her loyalty.  If you love purely and reciprocally you will receive the same benefits without breaking another’s spirit or risk compromising someone else’s values.

 

‘Ride or die chicks’ are not a new phenomenon.  They’ve been stealthily moving among us for ages, knitting blankets, robbing banks and fighting their men’s battles.  For instance, Sarah, of the Old Testament, was Abraham’s ‘ride or die chick’.  She was willing to be deceitful and pretended to be Abraham’s sister and allowed herself to be taken into another man’s bed to save Abraham from certain death… not once, but TWICE!  Why would she do this for him?  Better yet, why would he allow his wife to be delivered into another man’s bed in order to save his own neck?  Modern day examples include, Virginia Thomas of the Clarence Thomas sexual harassment fandango, Dina McGreevey (before her husband, Jim McGreevey, declared himself a gay American), Huma Abedin of the Anthony Weiner political-suicide sexting mess, Hillary Clinton (nuff said) and the Depression Era, bank robbing Bonnie Elizabeth Parker (sidekick to her Clyde Chestnut Barrow).

 

Good women who are, and have been, accustomed to standing by their men in the face of normal adversity are now being expected to dash away all of their home-grown, mama-bestowed, you-know-you-know-better senses to stick by their man no matter what manner of foolywang that arrives at her doorstep.  This new millennium, ‘ride or die chick’ beneficiary can present with a wife (“we’re separated, baby… never mind that car seat in the back of my car”), five kids and problems with adhering to common values associated with integrity and fidelity and the new-fangled ‘ride or die chick’ will open the door and invite him right in!  He can arrive in the middle of the night, a full 6 hours after he was expected, and the ‘ride or die chick’ will not only greet him with open arms and a shut mouth, but is expected to warm up his dinner and draw a bath... all while massaging his feet and pole dancing wearing nothing but stilettos!  He can come with some craziness regarding how or where he acquired yet another baby during the course of their relationship and guess what?  He, his baby AND his new-baby-mama-shenanigans are accepted with open arms... we all make mistakes, right?

 

Why are we rocking this new title like it’s some Boy Scout badge of honor when it’s really the same old shameful situation placed in a blue box with a white ribbon tied into a pretty bow wrapped around it?  At what point do you go into the bathroom, wipe the sharpie printed, “I’m a she-ass”, off your forehead and realize that accepting disrespect and humiliation and the expectation that your desperation to keep your man will dictate your unwavering acceptance of his downright impudent and irreverent behavior is pure and unadulterated foolishness?!  At what point do you draw the line?!??  What I will say is that the man who came up with the “ride or die” philosophy is an absolute genius!  He has convinced women across America to give their all, only to receive very little or nothing in return.  Women have been conditioned to readily toss their self-respect, integrity and dignity to the wind because (for some women) it is better to have a man (any man) than no man at all.  She gets very little satisfaction from this type of relationship, but, in the end, you’re both comfortable with that idea.  She gets a scoundrel of a man, who is no prize and he gets his way without having the added pain of consequence and with the added value of acceptance and continued reinforcement of his bad behavior.  

If you are a follower of television series, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, you’ve probably witnessed the shenanigans of one Stevie J.  Stevie J spent the entire season finale episode using a bus analogy where he said that he’s the bus driver and women get on and off the Stevie J bus as they please.  He provides the gas, the air in the tires, the entire bus.  He goes on to say, “Get with the program or I’m going to have to leave you in the desert.” for surely, there is another ‘ride or die chick’ ready to accept Stevie J’s ongoing shenanigans.  This perfectly characterizes the problem.  Stevie J… and probably a lot of other men who are pursuing the unicorn realizes that there are a great many women who have been conditioned to believe that they’d better “get on (whatever) bus” pulls up to the curb, for fear that bus service will be suspended.  They sadly have no idea that they are perfectly capable of ambulating on their own.   

  

Alas, a man who is accustomed to dating these types of women who suffer from staggeringly low self-esteem, low enough to allow her to compromise her principles and expectations in order to stand by a man who probably doesn’t deserve her support, will ne’er be satisfied with a stand-up, woman of high values who will support her partner without fail as long as he shows her that he is deserving of her undying support.  This type of woman is way too much work.  Be a WayBeyondZ partner and respect and value the one you claim to love. 

“Never assume that love is enough to make someone stay or come back to you. Because when pain strikes the heart love will fade no matter how great it is.”

- unknown

“Better to have one woman on your side than ten men.”

― Robert Jordan, The Great Hunt