Once upon a time there was a strict
definition of cheating. Your spouse or
significant other had sex with someone other than you and POW, out comes the
scarlet “A”! Let the shaming begin. These days there is a whole slew of gray area
around the definition of cheating. There’s
the devastating emotional infidelity; anger provoking digital infidelity and
then if you’re married to or dating a drama queen/king/extremely insecure and
prone to low self-esteem person, there’s the imagined infidelity. The question is what is really cheating (outside
of the obvious falling naked into another person’s arms (genitals) and the
inevitable… “what had happened was…”) and what is not. The answer to this question really lies in
the context of each individual’s marriage or relationship. In my humble opinion, pretty much anything
that is sexual in nature and conducted in secrecy and that one party KNOWS
would erode the trust of the other party may be considered a form of
cheating. Now, whether or not you break
up over it is another issue entirely…
Gray area cheating:
1. The lap dance: If
you are the recipient of the lap dance and there are preexisting trust issues in
this relationship, this probably isn’t the best idea, dude. Furthermore, if you have a “thing” for lap
dances and have already gotten into trouble for it, give it up and find a safer
pastime, like train surfing. While
you’re sweating, grinding and fantasizing here are a few questions running
through your spouse’s/girlfriend’s mind:
Is he at the strip club alone? Is
he with wild-ass (insert name)? What else happened during the lap dance? When you are able to slow your heart rate and
your bigger, and hopefully more prominent, brain recovers its rightful position
as the leader of the body you should begin to prepare to answer all of these questions
in rapid fire sequence.
Glo’s take: This isn’t cheating
if you know this is going down (for instance at a bachelor party); however, if
he’s lying and telling you that he’s out doing community service with his frat
brothers and he’s trolling strip clubs this might be the beginning of a
slippery slope. Forget what happened at
the strip club but remember his propensity for lying.
2. The tongueless kiss:
This is a quick kiss on the lips or right by lips. I have had a woman tell me that any kiss,
intimate or not is cheating. Frankly,
she was a paranoid mess, but to each his own opinion shall rule.
Glo’s Take: Latino and European people just love to kiss
and greet each other this way regularly.
Calm down, you’re approaching the border of Crazyville.
3. The pornography watcher: Again, there are people who feel that
anything remotely sexual that steals time away from their relationship is
cheating. I’m not at all suggesting that
sitting naked for hours watching unrealistically buxom women and unnaturally
endowed men engage in loveless sex is not an issue, but the larger issue here is that your time could surely
be more productively spent. Hey, here’s a
novel idea: try taking your spouse out to dinner and talking to her! How about asking her to help you create your
own memorable sexual moments. At the
very least it’s likely more spontaneous and enjoyable than watching canned sex
and at best it will bond you and your spouse closer in a shared passionate
experience.
Glo’s take: I don’t consider this cheating. If you’re concerned about him expending
sexual energy on anything that doesn’t involve you? Then get involved!
4. The Ex Contacter: Listen, listen… no one was born the minute
they met you. Everyone has an ex (more likely an assortment of exes) and it’s pretty commendable if they are all mature enough
to communicate like civilized adults rather than petulant kids (particularly if
there are children involved).
Glo’s take: If you or your spouse is communicating with
an ex secretly or for the purpose of anything other than just “catching up” or discussing little Jesse's latest report card,
this is dicey territory. Your current spouse/significant other will likely feel uncomfortable with you hanging out
with or talking to your ex on a regular basis… especially if your
spouse/significant other doesn’t know said ex.
Again, the problem is the secrecy and lying. If your relationship with your ex is innocent
why not bring it to light? Cut out the
unnecessary stress in your relationship! Secrecy erodes trust!
5. Emotional Affair Participant: Oy vey!
This is often the beginning of the end for a relationship. This goes without saying, but it is
devastating and probably the most perilous and trust-shattering type of
cheating. It’s probably easier to
forgive physical cheating than emotional cheating. Sexual infidelity means you need to have
sexual contact with a person who is not your partner… often this can and does
occur without any emotional connection.
Emotional infidelity; however, means that you’re confiding in and
emotionally connecting with a person outside of your relationship without the
sex. The intimacy that is the hallmark
of emotional cheating, the creation of emotional bonds, is behavior that should
be reserved for you! RED ALERT! RED ALERT!
Glo’s take: This denotes a
potentially relationship shattering problem is present. If this relationship is to be saved, the offending party needs to commit to discontinuing the relationship and sever all contact
with the subject of the emotional affair.
Additionally, both parties need immediate and intensive marriage/relationship
counseling to root out the source of the discontent that the emotional affair was borne
from.
6. The offline flirt:
The neighbor from apartment 3F who compliments him every morning or the
girl from the office who he flirts back and forth with and “does lunch” with on
a regular basis are examples of offline flirting. As long as it’s innocent, there is no harm in
it. Everyone’s flower blooms a little
more colorfully with a little attention from the opposite sex! Face it, everyone does this
occasionally. If you’re absolutely
honest with yourself, you can be accused of this too.
Glo’s take: Nope, not cheating and please refrain from
creating a situation where there is none.
This type of flirting happens organically and is spontaneous. The difference between this and online
flirting is that online flirting takes preparation and planning and that’s the
kind of cunning that spells big trouble.
7. The online flirt:
Tango, Match, Harmony, Christian Singles, Plenty of Fish… all of these
online dating sites should be off limits once you’re married or dating someone
seriously. Social media outlets make it
too easy to find old flames or strike up conversations with new friends of
friends. Everyone is just so available
and there’s a curiosity element that affects everyone to some extent,
regardless of how happily married or coupled you are. Exchanges may start as harmless flirting but
can trigger a dramatic emotional and physical reaction. Everyone can agree that during the heat of
the moment comes a rush of exhilaration from being naughty and sneaky. Again, the blood is rushing somewhere other
than the brain and the immediate feedback and gratification make for an
irresistible environment that keeps drawing you back down that damned slippery
slope. Facebook in has particular has changed
the game for a lot of people. Your
man/woman may not be overtly disrespectful to you on Facebook, but he/she may
be hella disrespectful in the inbox of someone they’re flirting with. Your significant other may be faithful on
your wall, but cheating in their inbox! According
to a recent survey conducted by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 81
percent of divorce lawyers say they’ve seen an increase in social networking
evidence in their cases over the last five years. Facebook was named the unrivaled leader for
online divorce evidence with two-third of attorneys citing it as a primary
source of evidence, followed by MySpace at 15 percent and Twitter at 5 percent... The streets are watching, people, and what is
done in the darkness will surely come to light.
Glo’s take: As annoying and disrespectful as this is, I
do not necessarily consider this cheating; however, this raises a huge and
billowing red flag!! Hello, wake up!!! If he’s still trolling internet dating sights
and picking up singles on Facebook, then he’s still looking! As hurtful as
this revelation is… you aren’t “it”, Cookie!
If you want to maintain this relationship (if you’re married, you should
consider trying to work through this) you may want to seriously consider
counseling, as this relationship is severely damaged and it will be difficult
to maintain trust going forward once this type of infidelity is uncovered.
The Red Flags of
Online Cheating:
Are you worried that this could happen in your relationship? Be on the lookout for some signs that may
indicate your partner is caught up in an online affair:
- He or she is secretive when it comes to email, cell
phone, and social media accounts.
- He or she spends more off-work time on the computer
than with you.
- Your partner is compulsively attached to his or her
phone.
- Your spouse is significantly nicer (a sign of guilt) or
suddenly nasty (a sign of trying to convince himself or herself that their
behavior is justified) to you.
- You discover that your partner has a secret social
media, online dating or email account.
No one is perfect and every human has the capacity to get caught up in
a cheating situation. I do believe that
there are situations that can be avoided and preventative measures that can be
taken to lessen the opportunities for cheating.
If you choose to repeatedly involve yourself in situations that leave
you open to temptation, perhaps you aren’t ready for a marriage or committed
relationship and should consider gracefully extricating yourself from that type
of relationship, lest you risk irreparably hurting the one you profess to love.
Furthermore, there is no one-size-fits-all rule book for
cheating. Cheating depends upon your individual
definition of the act and more importantly how you FEEL about it. The problem develops when you are devastated
by something that your spouse has done and he/she thinks that there is nothing
wrong with whatever he/she did. You and
your spouse need to come to a mutual agreement on where future boundaries will
be set.
“The truly scary thing about undiscovered
lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones.”
― Cheryl Hughes
