INBOX INFIDELITY

Once upon a time there was a strict definition of cheating.  Your spouse or significant other had sex with someone other than you and POW, out comes the scarlet “A”!  Let the shaming begin.  These days there is a whole slew of gray area around the definition of cheating.  There’s the devastating emotional infidelity; anger provoking digital infidelity and then if you’re married to or dating a drama queen/king/extremely insecure and prone to low self-esteem person, there’s the imagined infidelity.  The question is what is really cheating (outside of the obvious falling naked into another person’s arms (genitals) and the inevitable… “what had happened was…”) and what is not.  The answer to this question really lies in the context of each individual’s marriage or relationship.  In my humble opinion, pretty much anything that is sexual in nature and conducted in secrecy and that one party KNOWS would erode the trust of the other party may be considered a form of cheating.  Now, whether or not you break up over it is another issue entirely…

Gray area cheating:

1.  The lap dance:  If you are the recipient of the lap dance and there are preexisting trust issues in this relationship, this probably isn’t the best idea, dude.  Furthermore, if you have a “thing” for lap dances and have already gotten into trouble for it, give it up and find a safer pastime, like train surfing.  While you’re sweating, grinding and fantasizing here are a few questions running through your spouse’s/girlfriend’s mind:  Is he at the strip club alone?  Is he with wild-ass (insert name)? What else happened during the lap dance?  When you are able to slow your heart rate and your bigger, and hopefully more prominent, brain recovers its rightful position as the leader of the body you should begin to prepare to answer all of these questions in rapid fire sequence.

Glo’s take: This isn’t cheating if you know this is going down (for instance at a bachelor party); however, if he’s lying and telling you that he’s out doing community service with his frat brothers and he’s trolling strip clubs this might be the beginning of a slippery slope.  Forget what happened at the strip club but remember his propensity for lying.

2.     The tongueless kiss:  This is a quick kiss on the lips or right by lips.  I have had a woman tell me that any kiss, intimate or not is cheating.  Frankly, she was a paranoid mess, but to each his own opinion shall rule. 

Glo’s Take:  Latino and European people just love to kiss and greet each other this way regularly.  Calm down, you’re approaching the border of Crazyville.

     

3.  The pornography watcher:  Again, there are people who feel that anything remotely sexual that steals time away from their relationship is cheating.  I’m not at all suggesting that sitting naked for hours watching unrealistically buxom women and unnaturally endowed men engage in loveless sex is not an issue, but the larger issue here is that your time could surely be more productively spent.  Hey, here’s a novel idea: try taking your spouse out to dinner and talking to her!  How about asking her to help you create your own memorable sexual moments.  At the very least it’s likely more spontaneous and enjoyable than watching canned sex and at best it will bond you and your spouse closer in a shared passionate experience.

   Glo’s take:  I don’t consider this cheating.  If you’re concerned about him expending sexual energy on anything that doesn’t involve you?  Then get involved!  

4.     The Ex Contacter:  Listen, listen… no one was born the minute they met you.  Everyone has an ex (more likely an assortment of exes) and it’s pretty commendable if they are all mature enough to communicate like civilized adults rather than petulant kids (particularly if there are children involved).

Glo’s take:  If you or your spouse is communicating with an ex secretly or for the purpose of anything other than just “catching up” or discussing little Jesse's latest report card, this is dicey territory.  Your current spouse/significant other will likely feel uncomfortable with you hanging out with or talking to your ex on a regular basis… especially if your spouse/significant other doesn’t know said ex.  Again, the problem is the secrecy and lying.  If your relationship with your ex is innocent why not bring it to light?  Cut out the unnecessary stress in your relationship! Secrecy erodes trust!   

5.     Emotional Affair Participant:  Oy vey!  This is often the beginning of the end for a relationship.  This goes without saying, but it is devastating and probably the most perilous and trust-shattering type of cheating.  It’s probably easier to forgive physical cheating than emotional cheating.  Sexual infidelity means you need to have sexual contact with a person who is not your partner… often this can and does occur without any emotional connection.  Emotional infidelity; however, means that you’re confiding in and emotionally connecting with a person outside of your relationship without the sex.  The intimacy that is the hallmark of emotional cheating, the creation of emotional bonds, is behavior that should be reserved for you!  RED ALERT!  RED ALERT!

Glo’s take: This denotes a potentially relationship shattering problem is present.  If this relationship is to be saved, the offending party needs to commit to discontinuing the relationship and sever all contact with the subject of the emotional affair.  Additionally, both parties need immediate and intensive marriage/relationship counseling to root out the source of the discontent that the emotional affair was borne from.  

6.     The offline flirt:  The neighbor from apartment 3F who compliments him every morning or the girl from the office who he flirts back and forth with and “does lunch” with on a regular basis are examples of offline flirting.  As long as it’s innocent, there is no harm in it.  Everyone’s flower blooms a little more colorfully with a little attention from the opposite sex!  Face it, everyone does this occasionally.  If you’re absolutely honest with yourself, you can be accused of this too.  

Glo’s take:  Nope, not cheating and please refrain from creating a situation where there is none.  This type of flirting happens organically and is spontaneous.  The difference between this and online flirting is that online flirting takes preparation and planning and that’s the kind of cunning that spells big trouble.  

7.     The online flirt:  Tango, Match, Harmony, Christian Singles, Plenty of Fish… all of these online dating sites should be off limits once you’re married or dating someone seriously.  Social media outlets make it too easy to find old flames or strike up conversations with new friends of friends.  Everyone is just so available and there’s a curiosity element that affects everyone to some extent, regardless of how happily married or coupled you are.  Exchanges may start as harmless flirting but can trigger a dramatic emotional and physical reaction.  Everyone can agree that during the heat of the moment comes a rush of exhilaration from being naughty and sneaky.  Again, the blood is rushing somewhere other than the brain and the immediate feedback and gratification make for an irresistible environment that keeps drawing you back down that damned slippery slope.  Facebook in has particular has changed the game for a lot of people.  Your man/woman may not be overtly disrespectful to you on Facebook, but he/she may be hella disrespectful in the inbox of someone they’re flirting with.  Your significant other may be faithful on your wall, but cheating in their inbox!  According to a recent survey conducted by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 81 percent of divorce lawyers say they’ve seen an increase in social networking evidence in their cases over the last five years.  Facebook was named the unrivaled leader for online divorce evidence with two-third of attorneys citing it as a primary source of evidence, followed by MySpace at 15 percent and Twitter at 5 percent...  The streets are watching, people, and what is done in the darkness will surely come to light.       

Glo’s take:  As annoying and disrespectful as this is, I do not necessarily consider this cheating; however, this raises a huge and billowing red flag!!  Hello, wake up!!!  If he’s still trolling internet dating sights and picking up singles on Facebook, then he’s still looking!  As hurtful as this revelation is… you aren’t “it”, Cookie!  If you want to maintain this relationship (if you’re married, you should consider trying to work through this) you may want to seriously consider counseling, as this relationship is severely damaged and it will be difficult to maintain trust going forward once this type of infidelity is uncovered.

The Red Flags of Online Cheating:

Are you worried that this could happen in your relationship?  Be on the lookout for some signs that may indicate your partner is caught up in an online affair:

•    He or she is secretive when it comes to email, cell phone, and social media accounts.
•            He or she spends more off-work time on the computer than with you.
•     Your partner is compulsively attached to his or her phone. 
•    Your spouse is significantly nicer (a sign of guilt) or suddenly nasty (a sign of trying to convince himself or herself that their behavior is justified) to you.
•    You discover that your partner has a secret social media, online dating or email account. 

No one is perfect and every human has the capacity to get caught up in a cheating situation.  I do believe that there are situations that can be avoided and preventative measures that can be taken to lessen the opportunities for cheating.  If you choose to repeatedly involve yourself in situations that leave you open to temptation, perhaps you aren’t ready for a marriage or committed relationship and should consider gracefully extricating yourself from that type of relationship, lest you risk irreparably hurting the one you profess to love. 

Furthermore, there is no one-size-fits-all rule book for cheating.  Cheating depends upon your individual definition of the act and more importantly how you FEEL about it.  The problem develops when you are devastated by something that your spouse has done and he/she thinks that there is nothing wrong with whatever he/she did.  You and your spouse need to come to a mutual agreement on where future boundaries will be set.

“The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones.”

― Cheryl Hughes