You’ve survived the hell that was your divorce. It’s final and you’ve spent the
requisite time in therapy addressing the temporary insanity issues that it
caused and you are ready to consider another relationship. I’m here to tell you that this is a
good news/bad news situation, as getting into a new relationship is the second
leading cause of temporary insanity.
Throw some kids who are attached like Velcro to their recently divorced
mama into the mix and what you have could be as volatile as an explosion in a
high school science lab! Don’t get
me wrong, a new relationship is exciting and could be a blissful experience if
you finally meet your real soul mate, as opposed to the
“play-play” or practice soul mate who was disguised as your real soul mate just
with less depth of emotion and substance… well, you get my drift. But to avoid putting yourself and your
kids through another round of family based drama, extreme care and caution is
required.
I’ve given this a great amount of thought and here are some
guidelines to help you steer clear of trouble (and possibly falling victim to
temporary insanity):
Skip the short film and
go for feature length: The new
relationship phase is like a new car smell… everyone craves it but it is short
lived and then the real life phase sets in and if you’re not careful you’ve
rushed past the friend building (foundation) and raced into the family building
stage… no es bueno. I know, I
know… everything about a new relationship makes you want to race full speed
ahead but you can’t expect to take your brand new boyfriend to forever-and-ever
life partner in a matter of days.
As a recently (or not so recently) divorced person who doubles as a
mature and responsible adult, on most days, you know that that would be majorly
stupid and has the potential to unravel the life you’ve worked hard to
reassemble for yourself and for your kids. You do remember the living hell that your divorce was, don’t
you? You may even vaguely remember
that you were at one time head-over-heels in love with your ex, before you
realized that he was your “play-play” or practice soul mate who was disguised
as your real soul mate just with less depth of emotion and substance… sorry, I
digress. My point is that you know
full well that sometimes things that seem really amazing in the very beginning
turn out to be pretty awful in the end.
Just savor your piece of cake one delicious bite at a time instead of
stuffing it down whole. Don’t rush
ahead and ruin what could be a good thing.
Don’t fast forward: Two dates and BAM! “We’re meeting mommy’s friend for dinner! Isn’t that wonderful?!” No, actually it isn’t. Your kids have had enough waves without
involving them in your new love life.
If your kids end up liking the guy they will form emotional attachments
and if it doesn’t work out you’ve set them up for an emotional loss that was
totally avoidable. The flip side
is if they hate him, he may become a wedge between you and your Velcro babies
and this creates tension for everyone.
Hold off on the introductions until you’re sure that it’s worth the
upheaval that it has the potential to cause. You need a vetting period of months (not days) and don’t
introduce him until you’re reasonably sure that he’s going to be around for the
forseeable future.
You’re not casting for
the role of replacement parent: Do not force the
relationship between your new beau and your kids. That should happen in its own time and at its own rate and
pace. Furthermore, your kids
already have a mom and dad even if he did turn out to be for “play-play” or your
practice soul mate who was disguised as your real soul mate just with less
depth of emotion and substance. He
is still their dad and should be respected as such… period! You need to model what it looks like to
approach a relationship in a mature manner, which in this case means with some
self-control and restraint. This
is a lesson that will serve your children well in many ways and for a long time
to come.
You’re the casting
director of your love life: Your kids don’t get to
decide who you date or fall head-over-heels in love with. They do decide whether or not they like
him. Please do not be surprised if
your Velcro babies don’t like him at first. Most kids who have had any kind of consistency in their
lives do not like to have their home dynamic switched up. While it’s not prudent to try to force
him down their throats, it is prudent to insist that they treat him
respectfully while they work through the transition of having you all to
themselves to sharing you with someone else.
Poor reviews: So, your kids hate your new boyfriend. Give them an opportunity to
explain their feelings and listen attentively. If your daughter tells you that he gives her the creeps and
he flashes her when you’re not looking or your son tells you that he calls him
nasty names and elbows him intentionally on the basketball court you should be
the mother bear that you are meant to be and kick his ass with the speed of a
ninja and don’t spare the nunchucks or assassin blades. If they tell you that they’ve observed
him rifling through your jewelry box or setting up a poisonous spider terrarium
in your basement, these are things that don’t require kung fu on the blacktop
at 5:15, but you should probably consider breaking up with him and reconsider
your vetting criteria. But if the
children tell you that he is an attention hog or that you shouldn’t be dating
because who needs a man when you have kids then you need to sit them down and
have a discussion with them. Complaints
of that nature indicate that their objections aren't based on anything specific
to him; but rather they dislike the idea of your having any boyfriend at all. This is understandable. From their standpoint, there's a big
gross-out factor when it comes to the idea of their mama being all starry-eyed
over some guy and doing all of those things that go along with dating. Plus he is cutting in on their
time. There is no need to break up
with (or beat up) your boyfriend over unfounded complaints and you probably
don’t want to send the message that they have that level of authority over your
love life, as this may set a precedent that you will quickly come to
regret. What you probably should
do is make some adjustments to remove some of the pressure. Continue to see your boyfriend, but temporarily
go back to seeing him away from the house and/or at times when your kids are
not around. Don't hide the fact
you're continuing to see him; just don't include your kids in your plans for
now. They need more time to adjust
to this new arrangement. Over time
the resistance will diminish then you can slowly ramp up the occasions when
your boyfriend is included in family events. An added benefit is that it will afford you additional time to
get to know him. Your reward for
being sensitive to your kids' needs is that your kids will be far more likely
to actually like your new flame (rather than simply accepting him) if they don’t
feel like he is being forced upon them.
All of this actually gives your relationship a greater chance of
succeeding.
Your kids are not
supporting actors: Every relationship has
its share of bumps in the road.
You having been off the market and out of the dating scene haven’t dealt
with the dynamics of a new relationship for a substantial period of time. You may feel the need to process these
developments by talking about them.
PLEASE grab a girlfriend, a Soror or hire a therapist but DO NOT process
this with your kids. This will not
bond you to them or make you cool.
This behavior has the potential to damage your relationship with your
kids. They will develop diminished
respect for you and reduce you from mom to BFF and if you and your beau have a
spat (and you will) you two may be able to kiss and make up, but your kids may
not be so quick to forgive and forget.
Have a heart to heart
with your leading man: Before you and your new
boyfriend meet each other’s kids, you should make sure you are both on the same
page. If you’re not comfortable
enough to have the conversation, then you definitely don’t know him well enough
to introduce him to your children.
If you find yourself more worried about how he will react than how your
kids are going to be treated, then that's a pretty clear sign that you're suffering
from temporary insanity. When you
put concerns about your new relationship ahead of concerns for your children,
you need to spend less time dating and more time thinking about your
priorities. Find a WayBeyondZ
therapist and wait until you’re ready!
There is no rush.
Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail
at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble
are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.
~Oprah Winfrey
My Mama always said you've got to put the past behind you before you can
move on.
~ Forrest Gump
