ARE YOU READY FOR A NEW COSTAR?

You’ve survived the hell that was your divorce.  It’s final and you’ve spent the requisite time in therapy addressing the temporary insanity issues that it caused and you are ready to consider another relationship.  I’m here to tell you that this is a good news/bad news situation, as getting into a new relationship is the second leading cause of temporary insanity.  Throw some kids who are attached like Velcro to their recently divorced mama into the mix and what you have could be as volatile as an explosion in a high school science lab!  Don’t get me wrong, a new relationship is exciting and could be a blissful experience if you finally meet your real soul mate, as opposed to the “play-play” or practice soul mate who was disguised as your real soul mate just with less depth of emotion and substance… well, you get my drift.  But to avoid putting yourself and your kids through another round of family based drama, extreme care and caution is required.     

I’ve given this a great amount of thought and here are some guidelines to help you steer clear of trouble (and possibly falling victim to temporary insanity):

Skip the short film and go for feature length:  The new relationship phase is like a new car smell… everyone craves it but it is short lived and then the real life phase sets in and if you’re not careful you’ve rushed past the friend building (foundation) and raced into the family building stage… no es bueno.  I know, I know… everything about a new relationship makes you want to race full speed ahead but you can’t expect to take your brand new boyfriend to forever-and-ever life partner in a matter of days.  As a recently (or not so recently) divorced person who doubles as a mature and responsible adult, on most days, you know that that would be majorly stupid and has the potential to unravel the life you’ve worked hard to reassemble for yourself and for your kids.  You do remember the living hell that your divorce was, don’t you?  You may even vaguely remember that you were at one time head-over-heels in love with your ex, before you realized that he was your “play-play” or practice soul mate who was disguised as your real soul mate just with less depth of emotion and substance… sorry, I digress.  My point is that you know full well that sometimes things that seem really amazing in the very beginning turn out to be pretty awful in the end.  Just savor your piece of cake one delicious bite at a time instead of stuffing it down whole.  Don’t rush ahead and ruin what could be a good thing.

Don’t fast forward:  Two dates and BAM!  “We’re meeting mommy’s friend for dinner!  Isn’t that wonderful?!”  No, actually it isn’t.  Your kids have had enough waves without involving them in your new love life.  If your kids end up liking the guy they will form emotional attachments and if it doesn’t work out you’ve set them up for an emotional loss that was totally avoidable.  The flip side is if they hate him, he may become a wedge between you and your Velcro babies and this creates tension for everyone.  Hold off on the introductions until you’re sure that it’s worth the upheaval that it has the potential to cause.  You need a vetting period of months (not days) and don’t introduce him until you’re reasonably sure that he’s going to be around for the forseeable future.       

You’re not casting for the role of replacement parent:  Do not force the relationship between your new beau and your kids.  That should happen in its own time and at its own rate and pace.  Furthermore, your kids already have a mom and dad even if he did turn out to be for “play-play” or your practice soul mate who was disguised as your real soul mate just with less depth of emotion and substance.  He is still their dad and should be respected as such… period!  You need to model what it looks like to approach a relationship in a mature manner, which in this case means with some self-control and restraint.  This is a lesson that will serve your children well in many ways and for a long time to come.      

You’re the casting director of your love life:  Your kids don’t get to decide who you date or fall head-over-heels in love with.  They do decide whether or not they like him.  Please do not be surprised if your Velcro babies don’t like him at first.  Most kids who have had any kind of consistency in their lives do not like to have their home dynamic switched up.  While it’s not prudent to try to force him down their throats, it is prudent to insist that they treat him respectfully while they work through the transition of having you all to themselves to sharing you with someone else.

Poor reviews:  So, your kids hate your new boyfriend.   Give them an opportunity to explain their feelings and listen attentively.  If your daughter tells you that he gives her the creeps and he flashes her when you’re not looking or your son tells you that he calls him nasty names and elbows him intentionally on the basketball court you should be the mother bear that you are meant to be and kick his ass with the speed of a ninja and don’t spare the nunchucks or assassin blades.  If they tell you that they’ve observed him rifling through your jewelry box or setting up a poisonous spider terrarium in your basement, these are things that don’t require kung fu on the blacktop at 5:15, but you should probably consider breaking up with him and reconsider your vetting criteria.  But if the children tell you that he is an attention hog or that you shouldn’t be dating because who needs a man when you have kids then you need to sit them down and have a discussion with them.  Complaints of that nature indicate that their objections aren't based on anything specific to him; but rather they dislike the idea of your having any boyfriend at all.  This is understandable.  From their standpoint, there's a big gross-out factor when it comes to the idea of their mama being all starry-eyed over some guy and doing all of those things that go along with dating.  Plus he is cutting in on their time.  There is no need to break up with (or beat up) your boyfriend over unfounded complaints and you probably don’t want to send the message that they have that level of authority over your love life, as this may set a precedent that you will quickly come to regret.  What you probably should do is make some adjustments to remove some of the pressure.  Continue to see your boyfriend, but temporarily go back to seeing him away from the house and/or at times when your kids are not around.  Don't hide the fact you're continuing to see him; just don't include your kids in your plans for now.  They need more time to adjust to this new arrangement.  Over time the resistance will diminish then you can slowly ramp up the occasions when your boyfriend is included in family events.  An added benefit is that it will afford you additional time to get to know him.  Your reward for being sensitive to your kids' needs is that your kids will be far more likely to actually like your new flame (rather than simply accepting him) if they don’t feel like he is being forced upon them.  All of this actually gives your relationship a greater chance of succeeding.       

Your kids are not supporting actors:  Every relationship has its share of bumps in the road.  You having been off the market and out of the dating scene haven’t dealt with the dynamics of a new relationship for a substantial period of time.  You may feel the need to process these developments by talking about them.  PLEASE grab a girlfriend, a Soror or hire a therapist but DO NOT process this with your kids.  This will not bond you to them or make you cool.  This behavior has the potential to damage your relationship with your kids.  They will develop diminished respect for you and reduce you from mom to BFF and if you and your beau have a spat (and you will) you two may be able to kiss and make up, but your kids may not be so quick to forgive and forget. 

Have a heart to heart with your leading man:   Before you and your new boyfriend meet each other’s kids, you should make sure you are both on the same page.  If you’re not comfortable enough to have the conversation, then you definitely don’t know him well enough to introduce him to your children.  If you find yourself more worried about how he will react than how your kids are going to be treated, then that's a pretty clear sign that you're suffering from temporary insanity.  When you put concerns about your new relationship ahead of concerns for your children, you need to spend less time dating and more time thinking about your priorities.  Find a WayBeyondZ therapist and wait until you’re ready!  There is no rush. 

Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.

~Oprah Winfrey

My Mama always said you've got to put the past behind you before you can move on.
~ Forrest Gump