As a native New Yorker who
has been riding the rails for my entire life, I’ve seen and experienced some pretty
incredible things. I’ve missed
stops due to passengers who refused to allow free passage through
doorways. I’ve even been the
victim of a crazy person who felt it appropriate to literally jump onto my back to fit herself into a crowded #4
train. Yeah… she jumped onto my
back, wrapping her twiggy legs around my waist, hanging on so tightly that she
ripped the lining of my coat. Two
men who were squished in next to me, grabbed her and tossed her
knuckle-dragging, occipital-bun having, clearly hanging on the outer limits of
sanity self out of the crowded train and onto her behind on the platform, as
the train doors slid closed. She
still managed to nearly rip my coat from my back and definitely managed to
frighten the hell out of me!
I’ve seen a rat walking up
the flight of stairs to the street level making perfectly normal looking people
knock each other over like bowling pins in an attempt to get out of Remy the
rat’s way. (Sorry kindly looking
lady in the stylish blue seersucker suit… I really didn’t mean it.)
Anyhow, as I see it, in
order to make everyone’s commute more tolerable (as commuting via public
transportation can scarcely be characterized as pleasant) it boils down to a few
key issues. If you can adhere to some
of them, most people can probably co-exist without having the urge to assault
their fellow straphanger.
1. Thou
shalt not groom
Every morning, without fail, I am sitting
next to or standing beside someone who insists on continuing their unfinished
morning personal grooming ritual on a crowded subway train. This one is for the ladies… putting on
a full face of makeup is considered personal grooming! Brushing ones hair is also considered
personal grooming and I would no more expect to witness you brushing your teeth
or putting on deodorant on the subway.
While makeup application and hair brushing
are certainly annoying, dandruff scratching, zit popping and nail clipping are
downright nasty and unhygienic… and I implore you to not engage in these
behaviors in public. Dandruff, pus
and nail bits are not for sharing.
2. Thou
shalt not scarf
By this I mean eat meals on the
subway. Firstly, the odor of
limburger and tuna may turn you on but might be gag inducing for some other
passengers and everyone should be able to ride the subway without experiencing
olfactory assault. This
commandment also extends itself to preparing meals on the subway. A man was witnessed on the L train,
recently, rifling through a shopping bag only to pull from it a loaf of bread,
cold cuts and condiments, which he spread out over the adjacent seat (on a copy
of the New York Times… for housekeeping purposes I suppose?!??) and proceeded
to meticulously assemble and eat a sandwich… right there on a seat on the L
train during rush hour. Go
figure. In that vein, I’ve also
seen people eat meals (pre-prepared thankfully) on the subway and discard the
containers under seats just to have it tip over and have chicken bones rattling
around all over the floor or discard half consumed sodas that soon spill and
create a sticky mess… so gross.
Bottom line is the consumption of food and drink while commuting is
rarely smooth. Eat at home. You're not saving any time.
3. Thou
shalt not gag commuters with excessive PDAs
So, I get the whole love thing, but subway Public Displays of Affection (PDA) is gross! Peck kisses are
cute, but I don't want strangers doing it near my face. Making out on a crowded subway is rude,
and I assure you that no one wants to see your tongue dart around another
person's mouth. Let me also
mention that there is no such thing as “sneaky” groping when you are packed
into a tiny, underground space with a bunch of other people. Sneaky groping is probably ruder than
overt groping because it implies that you think your fellow subway riders are
stupid… rent a room. In short,
deep tongue kissing, canoodling, sitting in laps, groping and of course
anything beyond that should not be done during a subway ride… please!
4. Thou
shalt not pole hug
Shouldn’t it be common sense that you
should not hug a pole on a crowded subway? Just as you shouldn't take up more than one seat on a
crowded subway, you shouldn't take up more than one hand placement on a subway
pole... and it goes without saying that using the pole as a back-scratcher is
also unacceptable. Speaking of
seat hogging… don't take up too
much space on the seat. You should
only take up one seat. Your laptop
doesn't take priority over another passenger. Men: you’re your genitals do not require you to spread your
legs that far apart. I’m just
sayin’.
5. Thou
shall remain clothed at all times
I was on a crowded #1 train taking my son
to school one morning when a fellow commuter took off his shirt to sleep more
comfortably on the subway. Granted,
he had a tank top underneath, but this man allowed his entire upper body to
lounge free as a bird all over the seat as if he was sleeping on his home sofa.
Sure, you can catch up on some Z's
while you’re commuting, but please remember that you are NOT at home taking a
nap. Leave your clothes on,
people! And if you have the
misfortune of standing next to a person who is publicly disrobing, and their
flesh is intruding into your space, you are allowed to wake them. Kindly tap their arm, leg, neck, back of
their hand… it’s whatever at this point, and ask if they wouldn't mind putting
their shirt back on. If they
refuse, then get the heck out of dodge because the Lord only knows what will
come off next. EEW!
It’s seven in the morning on a crowded but
quiet subway train. Doors open at
the next stop and you hear a voice, an annoying voice! As it gets louder, other commuters
exchange looks of dread, and suddenly, The Cell Phone Talker (CPT) bursts in,
bellowing into her phone with a thick New York accent and devil may care
attitude. This scene plays out
time and time again and it is über annoying each and every time. Cut your conversation short, read a
book and you may actually make it to your destination without pissing someone
off enough to incite a rail rage situation. This also applies to singing or rapping along with whatever
music you’re listening to.
Also, if the person next to you on the subway
stares at you for what feels like a moment too long, like you might have
something on your face, it's likely not because you are a vision of loveliness
(though you may well be). The
blank stare is probably because he or she can hear the music coming out of your
headphones. Might want to turn
that volume down. Decibels kill…
hearing.
7. Thou
shalt not disseminate contagion
If you’re sick, stay at home! If you decide that you need to spread
contagion to your co-workers and decide to take the subway into your office,
please just minimize the spread of contagion by following a few simple
guidelines. First, if you cough or
sneeze, cover your mouth. You
should use the inside of your arm to do this. DO NOT use your hand and then grab the pole! That’s nasty and germy. Also, keep your fingers out of your
nose for obvious reasons (whether or not your sick) and please carry AND use
tissues to conduct mucus management.
Keep your used tissues in your pocket, bags, hands, bra, socks or
wherever on your person you’d like but DO NOT discard them on the subway.
I was on a very crowded #6 train recently and was standing unfortunately belly to belly with what looked to be a harmless looking young man. Suddenly, he opened his mouth, peeled back his lips and yawned right in my face! No hand over his mouth, no turned head, just a full on frontal assault of my senses. The boy was a fire-breathing dragon! The funk which emanated from the depths of this young man’s body singed my eyebrows, charred the lining of my nasal passages, caused my eyes to tear and my gag reflex kicked into gear… not pretty. If you KNOW that you neglected to brush your teeth, scrub your tongue, missed your last 10 twice-annual appointments with your dentist, ate a half cooked possum with sardine marinade before boarding the subway… PLEASE, I implore you to keep your mouth closed or at the very least COVER it when you yawn! If the last sentence applies to you, you should also refrain from close talking… please and thank you.
More often than not, commuters are packed
like krill on crowded, standing-room-only trains. With literally nowhere else to go and with the crowd pushing
you forward, finding yourself face first in another commuter’s armpit is an all
too common scenario. Train
etiquette dictates that a commuter should only raise their hand to hold a pole if
they are sure that there is no preexisting funk; therefore, without the
application of deodorant, in no event shall a commuter raise their arm higher
than that which would be required if performing the Macarena at a wedding or
other special event. That’s the
rule… memorize it. Be aware of
your body odor, bad breath, or strong perfume, as this can be just as
offensive. A friend told me how he
sat next to a commuter who took off his shoes to rest his tired feet, and stunk
up the entire area. It’s a good
practice to keep your shoes on until you get home.
Do not stop dead to think about where you
want to head. Slowly move with the
flow of traffic until you choose where you want to go, or step aside while you
figure it out. Do not block
doorways when you enter crowded subway cars as though you are the last person
interested in entering the train. It
continues to amaze me how people will not move into the middle of the subway
car where it is less congested, but prefer instead to block the entrance like a
sentry standing guard. Geez!
10. Thou shalt exercise common sense at
all times
As uncommon as this is let us please try to restore
common sense, as well as common courtesy… or at least civility so everyone can
have a Way Beyond Z commute.
As an old proverb
goes, politeness is to human nature what warmth is to wax — it softens us.
