WHEN "WE" MORPHS INTO "ME" AND "US" HAS PASSED AWAY... Life After Divorce

Divorce, long separation, intermission, hiatus, respite, an extra-long trip to the corner store for a loaf of bread… you can call it what you wish (some folks need to describe it creatively to escape any blame or shame… no judgment here).    The reality is that no matter what you call “it”, how you define “it”, there are repercussions of “it” and one major set of repercussions is how it affects the children that are experiencing “it”.

Divorce can and most often does create emotional wounds in children.  Please people… a little maturity here… TALK to your kids!  Let them know in an age appropriate way about what’s going on, what they’re feeling and how things will get better... because it will get better!  Involve them!  They are involved in this transition and if they feel “in the know”, they will gain a sense of empowerment as opposed to a sense of helplessness and despondency.

  

Next set of repercussions are dealt to the spouse who was left behind… it’s always easier to leave than to be left.  Assess your financial situation, which has likely taken a severe hit.  Your household income has likely been reduced by half (or more if the absent partner was the greater income producer).  Do everything you can to program yourself for success going forward.  If you don’t already know what it is, this is a great time to find out what your strengths and skills are and focus on them to help move you in a new and positive direction.  Everybody has a personal truth (what you believe about yourself when nobody's watching).  Remember that you will create the results in life that you believe you deserve.  This is the time to believe that you can fly WayBeyondZ, because you can!  Claim it, line it up, and make it happen!  This by no means implies that you should forget that you are a sum total of your experiences, BECAUSE YOU ARE exactly that.  You cannot erase your past, and life DOESN’T transcend that truth… there is no reset button.  You need to PLAN for success and execute your plan remembering and learning from your past mistakes and transgressions.  Include not repeating your past mistakes in your new plan.  No one can conduct this assessment for you.  It is easy to place blame on others, or to lean on a new relationship and get caught up looking like a fool in rose-colored glasses, recreating the same mess that you just left behind.  Cut out the foolywang!  Only you know where you made the left turn and only you can commit to taking the right path going forward.

 

Create a support squad!  My experiences of always relying on only myself make asking for help very difficult (almost impossible) for me.  I have come to realize that people who love you appreciate being asked for help (as long as it’s within reason… I don’t think anyone would appreciate being asked repeatedly to make your credit card payments) and it is a gift to them to allow them to be there for you.  I assure you if you create a support squad of your closest friends who won't mind providing you with emotional support, professional guidance and ongoing inspiration, you will benefit.  Realize that you're not the first person to go through this.

 

Make it a priority to be a little selfish and do something just for you.  The most important gift you can give your children is to take care of their parents.  Try a new class, start exercising, or reconnect with an old hobby you've forgotten about.  Even though you may no longer be only half of a couple, you are absolutely still 100 percent of the person who you are.  Find your authentic self!  Reconnect with what makes you excited to get out of bed every day!

 

Do your kids bring you joy?  Why not have some joy with your kids and choose to live with some fun in your new life.  What kind of mom do you think your kids are experiencing when you're sitting around, crying and lamenting about what was instead of what is?  Create new memories with your children that will carry them into the future with self-esteem, confidence and happiness.  When it’s the appropriate time for you (after the kids are settled and depending on the kids themselves, their ages and the circumstances surrounding the big “D”) be open to love.  Do not allow the experience to make you jaded.  Grieving a lost marriage doesn't have a time frame on it, but life does.  Whether you realize it or not, life is marching on and your kids will be leaving the nest before you know it.  There comes a time when you have to accept the fact and say, "I've got to get on with my life!”  Find a way to put one foot in front of the other and move forward BUT, it’s important to always look at any new relationship and ask yourself, "What's it costing me to be in this relationship?"  If you totally lose yourself in it, are in it for the wrong reasons (such as financial stability or just because you miss being in a relationship) then the cost is way too high.  Lastly, NEVER make the mistake of putting your new love before your children or yourself… you and the kids come first!

You can live WayBeyondZ after divorce.  Find your joy! 

“If you spend your time hoping someone will suffer the consequences for what they did to your heart, then your allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.”

― Shannon L. Alder

“Love, above all things, is a commitment to your choice.”

― Rob Liano

GROWING UP IS HARD ENOUGH

As I sit and think about my childhood, it occurs to me that I had a charmed life.  Loving parents, private schools, family vacations, piano lessons… yadda, yadda, yadda.  My parents separated (they never got around to getting divorced) when I was around five.  This was an event that literally could have ripped my full-of-giggles, trusting, forever-skipping, pigtails-swinging, precocious, itty-bitty, Afro-Latino girl self to shreds… but it didn’t.  I managed to keep moving without a blip or a hitch or even a hiccough.  I have to thank my parents for this.  They collectively mobilized their get-the-hell-out-before-I-grow-to-hate-you selves and made a conscious effort to parent in a way that their decision to change the course of their lives did not cause a blip, hitch or hiccough in my life… and it didn’t.  My parents loved me enough to put my need to have space and time to wrap my child’s mind around their adult decisions ahead of their own need to get-a-groove-going-as-soon-as-humanly-possible-and-act-a-damn-fool-and-flaunt-it.  Whew!  Thank you mom and dad for showing consideration, and for remembering that the choice to have a full-of-giggles, trusting, forever-skipping, pigtails-swinging, precocious, itty-bitty, Afro-Latino girl was yours.

Of course, I eventually adjusted to my life with a single mother who was often tired, overworked, underpaid and oddly, always dancing (as she tried to balance my needs and her checking account... which was not so oddly, often quite unbalanced).  My mama had a will of steel, took no shortcuts, had dinner on the table, washed clothes by hand (and walls on Saturdays), checked homework, picked me up from piano, violin and ice-skating lessons all while making me think that she had latent psychic abilities, because she ALWAYS knew when Hayden put a note in my book bag… before I got home from school.  I was never made to spend time with her “friend”.  There were no happy-couple canoodles or I-gotta-claim-what-I’ve-recently-found-and-show-the-world-that-I’m-secure-in-it displays at violin recitals, graduations or ice-skating competitions, without my permission (which I gave some of the time).  I found out much later, when my mom thought I could understand it that she did this to keep the messaging to me consistent.  She knew that she and my dad had never divorced and she didn’t want me to stop believing in the institution of marriage, so she neither glorified infidelity nor celebrated cohabitation, for that would have inspired thoughts that marriage was a fleeting thing that did not warrant being taken seriously.  My mom, in her infinite wisdom allowed me to go at my own pace and didn’t rush my adjustment.  Thanks again mom for not crushing my belief system or confusing me with mixed messages!     

My dad visited our home every other day, ate dinner with us regularly and still took me to piano, violin and ice-skating lessons.  He was the one who walked me through the ins and outs of American politics (Gerald Ford actually cried when he wasn’t elected in 1976), took me to see the Yankees, introduced me to the finer points of the rope-a-dope, and reminded me daily that I was a princess and should be treated as such.  Everything was not ideal though.  My dad eventually had a live-in girlfriend, who said unkind things to me when my dad wasn’t in earshot and who vaguely resembled a hammerhead shark, and who I mistakenly referred to as “the barracuda” (but never in mixed company because after all, I was a princess and princesses just didn’t say things like that).  Daddy was aware that “the barracuda” and I were like oil and water and was considerate enough to never push the issue.  He once told me that as they were planning to spend the remainder of their lives together that left a lot of time for family bonding.  He removed the urgency from the situation and I eventually came around.  She and I never became great friends, as I never forgot the unkindness that she had shown me, but we were friendly and certainly were able to enjoy good times together over the years that their relationship lasted (which were not a lifetime… thank God!).   

Of course, my mom wasn’t psychic, though I still have my suspicions, and my dad never dated an aquatic animal, that I’m aware of, but they both certainly took their commitment to parenting seriously!  In short, my parents were willing to be parents first, before being someone else’s boyfriend or girlfriend.  The key to my happiness was that my parents knew that the less my life changed the more stable I felt and the more confident and secure in my parents’ love I felt.  Security makes the ability to adapt easier and the overall process go more quickly and more smoothly.  Of course, separated and divorced people move on to eventually become someone else’s significant other or spouse and sometimes additional children are added to the mixture, but there is naturally a transition period and everyone doesn’t transition at the same pace or rate and these differences in pace and rate should be acknowledged, accounted for and respected.  

Readers, what’s the rush?  You have a lifetime, no?  Why make your children unnecessarily miserable?  Do you really want to be the topic of conversation at a therapy session twenty years down the line when your son or daughter has a problem overcoming trust issues?  Make a commitment to safeguarding your kids’ psyche.  Thanks for tuning in and have a Way Beyond Z Day!!             

Although there are many trial marriages... there is no such thing as a trial child.  ~Gail Sheehy