NOTE TO SELF...

Dearest Self,

Here we find you again, second guessing your competency.  This is really getting kind of tiresome.  I’m really going to need you to put on your listening cap.  You’re an independent, single mom, single-handedly taking care of an entire household!  The universe knows that you are stretched thin making sure every member of your pack is physically fed, financially supported, emotionally bolstered and spiritually nourished.  At the end of every day you are fatigued, overwhelmed and feeling lonely.  Given all you are required to do by yourself it’s no wonder.  Even though you may not currently have a partner supporting your efforts and keeping you warm in his arms at night, your work and selfless acts are not going unnoticed.  You probably don’t see it, but God is working in your favor! 

While there are a million players, users and abusers, the Lord is preparing you to be ready for a great man who is RIGHT NOW looking for all the redeemable qualities you possess.  He is willing to accept all your greatness as well as all of your flaws.  This man will not be the one trying to “holla” at you in the club.  He will not be the man who will try to strong-arm you into a commitment, because he believes he is God’s gift to all women and you are the most recently identified conquest at hand.  He will not be the one who can’t maintain eye contact, because he’s too mesmerized by the swell of your breasts or the shelf of your behind.  He will not be the dude who pretends to be genuine… perched-up at your crib, grinning at you while trying to sweetly wheedle his way into your panties after a few dates.  He will not have unresolved steamer trunk baggage with “baby mamas”, ex-wives and other random straggling women, women with broken hearts brimming with unfulfilled promises made by him to ease the transition into a relationship for his comfort with no intention of ever developing into anything more permanent.    

This man will be God driven, hardworking, respectful, and appreciative of what you bring to the table.  He will be a provider.  He will be a great role model and step father to your kids.  He will embrace all of you, always keeping in mind that you and your children are not individually acquired but are a package deal. 

Girl, just keep being the great woman you are!  Quit looking!  Remain focused and keep presenting yourself with class, never settling for less than you deserve.  Remain patient and keep doing the great job you are doing with your multitude of responsibilities in preparation for this Way Beyond Z man to find you in God’s time.   

Blessings,

The Universe

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and receives favor from the Lord.”

Proverbs 18:22

I'M BACK!!!

So, I've been on a self-imposed hiatus.  Unmotivated, overburdened, distracted, disgusted, trying-to-be-discreet and trying-to-get-divorced sums up my absence when I should have been motivated and uber-focused because overburdened resolves eventually, being divorced can be a blessing (especially if you’re married to Satan) and the trying-to-be-discreet part was optional anyway.  So, I’m writing again, blessed, super-duper highly-favored and motivated to do what I love.

I spent my New Year’s Eve in my soon-to-be former house after visiting my soon-to-be renovated new house (I shed real tears when I think about and see the scope of the necessary work) with my brooding, pre-teen offspring and my boyfriend.  The night was quiet, calm and unassuming.  We talked, cooked, baked and generally spent what I consider to be quality time together.  A few days later, after trolling everyone’s New Year’s pics on Facebook and Instagram, it occurs to me that I may have grown up to be boring!  Jesus take the wheel!  I used to be the go-to girl for social events and gatherings.  I grew up in Manhattan, modeled, partied, traveled and generally enjoyed my young life, thoroughly.  

My life changed when I grew up a little, met Lucifer, fell head-over-heels in love, took a left turn at the Justice of the Peace, moved into the “parent hood” and traded my Jimmy Choo’s for sensible (yet stylish) shoes, Pyrex cookware and Tupperware snack containers… come on, who doesn't love Tupperware?  BUT, now that Beelzebub has gratefully taken yet another concubine and I’m dating/”relationshipping” (hopefully I’m not moonlighting as a call girl for another one of Abaddon’s companions), I feel like I need to ditch the sensible shoes and Pyrex (get your filthy hands off of my Tupperware… I know what you’re thinking) and reclaim my sexy!  I think I'm still quite attractive and my body still looks great after a few kids, but, I’m admittedly less young, less… fun, and often dog tired.  Single parenting is a HUGE job and I do it at a high level, so after school and soccer and dance classes and play-dates and birthday parties and countless other activities, I’m beat!  Who has time to be fun?  The answer is you should! 

This brings me to the fabled and often whispered about “me” time.  Ahhhh… Nirvana, Moksha, Deliverance!  “Me” time is the first step to maintaining (or regaining) your sexy!  In reality, “me” time is nothing more than taking some time to put aside your everyday business and treating yourself to an activity that you enjoy.  Maybe it’s a mani/pedi that you crave or getting a massage; perhaps slipping away to the gym.  How about just leaving the kids with someone and catching a non G-rated movie ALONE?  If you can’t get away, then you need to create a quiet corner where you can be alone and uninterruptedly catch up on your reading or whatever reminds you that you are more than just a parent and you need to reconnect with your human side that enjoys pampering.  Ideally, "me" time should be an opportunity to relax, refocus and recharge.  When you are able to successfully accomplish that, you can come back to your everyday responsibilities with greater focus, commitment and maybe even enjoyment.  Indulge in some “me” time and get WayBeyondZ recharged!  It’s the best investment in yourself you’ll ever make!  

My greatest beauty secret is being happy with myself.  I don’t use special creams or treatments – I use a little bit of everything.  It’s a mistake to think that you are what you put on yourself.  I believe that a lot of how you look is to do with how you feel about yourself and your life.  Happiness is the greatest beauty secret.

~ Tina Turner

ARE YOU READY FOR A NEW COSTAR?

You’ve survived the hell that was your divorce.  It’s final and you’ve spent the requisite time in therapy addressing the temporary insanity issues that it caused and you are ready to consider another relationship.  I’m here to tell you that this is a good news/bad news situation, as getting into a new relationship is the second leading cause of temporary insanity.  Throw some kids who are attached like Velcro to their recently divorced mama into the mix and what you have could be as volatile as an explosion in a high school science lab!  Don’t get me wrong, a new relationship is exciting and could be a blissful experience if you finally meet your real soul mate, as opposed to the “play-play” or practice soul mate who was disguised as your real soul mate just with less depth of emotion and substance… well, you get my drift.  But to avoid putting yourself and your kids through another round of family based drama, extreme care and caution is required.     

I’ve given this a great amount of thought and here are some guidelines to help you steer clear of trouble (and possibly falling victim to temporary insanity):

Skip the short film and go for feature length:  The new relationship phase is like a new car smell… everyone craves it but it is short lived and then the real life phase sets in and if you’re not careful you’ve rushed past the friend building (foundation) and raced into the family building stage… no es bueno.  I know, I know… everything about a new relationship makes you want to race full speed ahead but you can’t expect to take your brand new boyfriend to forever-and-ever life partner in a matter of days.  As a recently (or not so recently) divorced person who doubles as a mature and responsible adult, on most days, you know that that would be majorly stupid and has the potential to unravel the life you’ve worked hard to reassemble for yourself and for your kids.  You do remember the living hell that your divorce was, don’t you?  You may even vaguely remember that you were at one time head-over-heels in love with your ex, before you realized that he was your “play-play” or practice soul mate who was disguised as your real soul mate just with less depth of emotion and substance… sorry, I digress.  My point is that you know full well that sometimes things that seem really amazing in the very beginning turn out to be pretty awful in the end.  Just savor your piece of cake one delicious bite at a time instead of stuffing it down whole.  Don’t rush ahead and ruin what could be a good thing.

Don’t fast forward:  Two dates and BAM!  “We’re meeting mommy’s friend for dinner!  Isn’t that wonderful?!”  No, actually it isn’t.  Your kids have had enough waves without involving them in your new love life.  If your kids end up liking the guy they will form emotional attachments and if it doesn’t work out you’ve set them up for an emotional loss that was totally avoidable.  The flip side is if they hate him, he may become a wedge between you and your Velcro babies and this creates tension for everyone.  Hold off on the introductions until you’re sure that it’s worth the upheaval that it has the potential to cause.  You need a vetting period of months (not days) and don’t introduce him until you’re reasonably sure that he’s going to be around for the forseeable future.       

You’re not casting for the role of replacement parent:  Do not force the relationship between your new beau and your kids.  That should happen in its own time and at its own rate and pace.  Furthermore, your kids already have a mom and dad even if he did turn out to be for “play-play” or your practice soul mate who was disguised as your real soul mate just with less depth of emotion and substance.  He is still their dad and should be respected as such… period!  You need to model what it looks like to approach a relationship in a mature manner, which in this case means with some self-control and restraint.  This is a lesson that will serve your children well in many ways and for a long time to come.      

You’re the casting director of your love life:  Your kids don’t get to decide who you date or fall head-over-heels in love with.  They do decide whether or not they like him.  Please do not be surprised if your Velcro babies don’t like him at first.  Most kids who have had any kind of consistency in their lives do not like to have their home dynamic switched up.  While it’s not prudent to try to force him down their throats, it is prudent to insist that they treat him respectfully while they work through the transition of having you all to themselves to sharing you with someone else.

Poor reviews:  So, your kids hate your new boyfriend.   Give them an opportunity to explain their feelings and listen attentively.  If your daughter tells you that he gives her the creeps and he flashes her when you’re not looking or your son tells you that he calls him nasty names and elbows him intentionally on the basketball court you should be the mother bear that you are meant to be and kick his ass with the speed of a ninja and don’t spare the nunchucks or assassin blades.  If they tell you that they’ve observed him rifling through your jewelry box or setting up a poisonous spider terrarium in your basement, these are things that don’t require kung fu on the blacktop at 5:15, but you should probably consider breaking up with him and reconsider your vetting criteria.  But if the children tell you that he is an attention hog or that you shouldn’t be dating because who needs a man when you have kids then you need to sit them down and have a discussion with them.  Complaints of that nature indicate that their objections aren't based on anything specific to him; but rather they dislike the idea of your having any boyfriend at all.  This is understandable.  From their standpoint, there's a big gross-out factor when it comes to the idea of their mama being all starry-eyed over some guy and doing all of those things that go along with dating.  Plus he is cutting in on their time.  There is no need to break up with (or beat up) your boyfriend over unfounded complaints and you probably don’t want to send the message that they have that level of authority over your love life, as this may set a precedent that you will quickly come to regret.  What you probably should do is make some adjustments to remove some of the pressure.  Continue to see your boyfriend, but temporarily go back to seeing him away from the house and/or at times when your kids are not around.  Don't hide the fact you're continuing to see him; just don't include your kids in your plans for now.  They need more time to adjust to this new arrangement.  Over time the resistance will diminish then you can slowly ramp up the occasions when your boyfriend is included in family events.  An added benefit is that it will afford you additional time to get to know him.  Your reward for being sensitive to your kids' needs is that your kids will be far more likely to actually like your new flame (rather than simply accepting him) if they don’t feel like he is being forced upon them.  All of this actually gives your relationship a greater chance of succeeding.       

Your kids are not supporting actors:  Every relationship has its share of bumps in the road.  You having been off the market and out of the dating scene haven’t dealt with the dynamics of a new relationship for a substantial period of time.  You may feel the need to process these developments by talking about them.  PLEASE grab a girlfriend, a Soror or hire a therapist but DO NOT process this with your kids.  This will not bond you to them or make you cool.  This behavior has the potential to damage your relationship with your kids.  They will develop diminished respect for you and reduce you from mom to BFF and if you and your beau have a spat (and you will) you two may be able to kiss and make up, but your kids may not be so quick to forgive and forget. 

Have a heart to heart with your leading man:   Before you and your new boyfriend meet each other’s kids, you should make sure you are both on the same page.  If you’re not comfortable enough to have the conversation, then you definitely don’t know him well enough to introduce him to your children.  If you find yourself more worried about how he will react than how your kids are going to be treated, then that's a pretty clear sign that you're suffering from temporary insanity.  When you put concerns about your new relationship ahead of concerns for your children, you need to spend less time dating and more time thinking about your priorities.  Find a WayBeyondZ therapist and wait until you’re ready!  There is no rush. 

Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.

~Oprah Winfrey

My Mama always said you've got to put the past behind you before you can move on.
~ Forrest Gump

WHEN "WE" MORPHS INTO "ME" AND "US" HAS PASSED AWAY... Life After Divorce

Divorce, long separation, intermission, hiatus, respite, an extra-long trip to the corner store for a loaf of bread… you can call it what you wish (some folks need to describe it creatively to escape any blame or shame… no judgment here).    The reality is that no matter what you call “it”, how you define “it”, there are repercussions of “it” and one major set of repercussions is how it affects the children that are experiencing “it”.

Divorce can and most often does create emotional wounds in children.  Please people… a little maturity here… TALK to your kids!  Let them know in an age appropriate way about what’s going on, what they’re feeling and how things will get better... because it will get better!  Involve them!  They are involved in this transition and if they feel “in the know”, they will gain a sense of empowerment as opposed to a sense of helplessness and despondency.

  

Next set of repercussions are dealt to the spouse who was left behind… it’s always easier to leave than to be left.  Assess your financial situation, which has likely taken a severe hit.  Your household income has likely been reduced by half (or more if the absent partner was the greater income producer).  Do everything you can to program yourself for success going forward.  If you don’t already know what it is, this is a great time to find out what your strengths and skills are and focus on them to help move you in a new and positive direction.  Everybody has a personal truth (what you believe about yourself when nobody's watching).  Remember that you will create the results in life that you believe you deserve.  This is the time to believe that you can fly WayBeyondZ, because you can!  Claim it, line it up, and make it happen!  This by no means implies that you should forget that you are a sum total of your experiences, BECAUSE YOU ARE exactly that.  You cannot erase your past, and life DOESN’T transcend that truth… there is no reset button.  You need to PLAN for success and execute your plan remembering and learning from your past mistakes and transgressions.  Include not repeating your past mistakes in your new plan.  No one can conduct this assessment for you.  It is easy to place blame on others, or to lean on a new relationship and get caught up looking like a fool in rose-colored glasses, recreating the same mess that you just left behind.  Cut out the foolywang!  Only you know where you made the left turn and only you can commit to taking the right path going forward.

 

Create a support squad!  My experiences of always relying on only myself make asking for help very difficult (almost impossible) for me.  I have come to realize that people who love you appreciate being asked for help (as long as it’s within reason… I don’t think anyone would appreciate being asked repeatedly to make your credit card payments) and it is a gift to them to allow them to be there for you.  I assure you if you create a support squad of your closest friends who won't mind providing you with emotional support, professional guidance and ongoing inspiration, you will benefit.  Realize that you're not the first person to go through this.

 

Make it a priority to be a little selfish and do something just for you.  The most important gift you can give your children is to take care of their parents.  Try a new class, start exercising, or reconnect with an old hobby you've forgotten about.  Even though you may no longer be only half of a couple, you are absolutely still 100 percent of the person who you are.  Find your authentic self!  Reconnect with what makes you excited to get out of bed every day!

 

Do your kids bring you joy?  Why not have some joy with your kids and choose to live with some fun in your new life.  What kind of mom do you think your kids are experiencing when you're sitting around, crying and lamenting about what was instead of what is?  Create new memories with your children that will carry them into the future with self-esteem, confidence and happiness.  When it’s the appropriate time for you (after the kids are settled and depending on the kids themselves, their ages and the circumstances surrounding the big “D”) be open to love.  Do not allow the experience to make you jaded.  Grieving a lost marriage doesn't have a time frame on it, but life does.  Whether you realize it or not, life is marching on and your kids will be leaving the nest before you know it.  There comes a time when you have to accept the fact and say, "I've got to get on with my life!”  Find a way to put one foot in front of the other and move forward BUT, it’s important to always look at any new relationship and ask yourself, "What's it costing me to be in this relationship?"  If you totally lose yourself in it, are in it for the wrong reasons (such as financial stability or just because you miss being in a relationship) then the cost is way too high.  Lastly, NEVER make the mistake of putting your new love before your children or yourself… you and the kids come first!

You can live WayBeyondZ after divorce.  Find your joy! 

“If you spend your time hoping someone will suffer the consequences for what they did to your heart, then your allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.”

― Shannon L. Alder

“Love, above all things, is a commitment to your choice.”

― Rob Liano