Divorce,
long separation, intermission, hiatus, respite, an extra-long trip to the
corner store for a loaf of bread… you can call it what you wish (some folks
need to describe it creatively to escape any blame or shame… no judgment
here). The reality is
that no matter what you call “it”, how you define “it”, there are repercussions
of “it” and one major set of repercussions is how it affects the children that
are experiencing “it”.
Divorce
can and most often does create emotional wounds in children. Please people… a little maturity here… TALK to your kids! Let them know in an age appropriate way
about what’s going on, what they’re feeling and how things will get better...
because it will get better!
Involve them! They are
involved in this transition and if they feel “in the know”, they will gain a
sense of empowerment as opposed to a sense of helplessness and despondency.
Next
set of repercussions are dealt to the spouse who was left behind… it’s always
easier to leave than to be left. Assess
your financial situation, which has
likely taken a severe hit. Your
household income has likely been reduced by half (or more if the absent partner
was the greater income producer). Do
everything you can to program yourself for success going forward. If you don’t already know what it is,
this is a great time to find out what your strengths and skills are and focus
on them to help move you in a new and positive direction. Everybody has a personal truth (what you
believe about yourself when nobody's watching). Remember that you will create the results in life that you
believe you deserve. This is the
time to believe that you can fly WayBeyondZ, because you can! Claim it, line it up, and make it
happen! This by no means implies
that you should forget that you are a sum total of your experiences, BECAUSE
YOU ARE exactly that. You cannot erase your past, and life DOESN’T
transcend that truth… there is no reset button. You need to PLAN for success and execute your plan
remembering and learning from your past mistakes and transgressions. Include not repeating your past
mistakes in your new plan. No one
can conduct this assessment for you.
It is easy to place blame on others, or to lean on a new relationship
and get caught up looking like a fool in rose-colored glasses, recreating the
same mess that you just left behind.
Cut out the foolywang! Only
you know where you made the left turn and only you can commit to taking the
right path going forward.
Create a support squad! My
experiences of always relying on only myself make asking for help very
difficult (almost impossible) for me.
I have come to realize that people who love you appreciate being asked
for help (as long as it’s within reason… I don’t think anyone would appreciate
being asked repeatedly to make your credit card payments) and it is a gift to
them to allow them to be there for you. I assure you if you create a support squad of your closest
friends who won't mind providing you with emotional support, professional
guidance and ongoing inspiration, you will benefit. Realize that you're not the first person to go through this.
Make
it a priority to be a little selfish and do something just for you. The most important gift you can give your
children is to take care of their parents. Try a new class, start exercising, or reconnect with an old
hobby you've forgotten about. Even
though you may no longer be only half of a couple, you are absolutely still 100
percent of the person who you are.
Find your authentic self!
Reconnect with what makes you excited to get out of bed every day!
Do
your kids bring you joy? Why not
have some joy with your kids and choose to live with some fun in your new life.
What kind of mom do you think your
kids are experiencing when you're sitting around, crying and lamenting about what
was
instead of what is? Create new
memories with your children that will carry them into the future with
self-esteem, confidence and happiness.
When it’s the appropriate time for you (after the kids are settled and
depending on the kids themselves, their ages and the circumstances surrounding
the big “D”) be open to love. Do
not allow the experience to make you jaded. Grieving a lost marriage doesn't have a time frame on it,
but life does. Whether you realize
it or not, life is marching on and your kids will be leaving the nest before
you know it. There comes a time
when you have to accept the fact and say, "I've got to get on with my life!”
Find a way to put one foot in front
of the other and move forward BUT, it’s important to always look at any new
relationship and ask yourself, "What's it costing me to be in this
relationship?" If you totally
lose yourself in it, are in it for the wrong reasons (such as financial
stability or just because you miss being in a relationship) then the cost is way
too high. Lastly, NEVER make the
mistake of putting your new love before your children or yourself… you and the
kids come first!
You
can live WayBeyondZ after divorce.
Find your joy!
“If you spend your time hoping someone
will suffer the consequences for what they did to your heart, then your
allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.”
― Shannon L. Alder
“Love, above all things, is a
commitment to your choice.”
I was once told by someone who I Respect & Love very much, that when you are going through something alone, you are robbing someone of their Blessing......Blessings are meant to be payed forward. Stay Blessed & Be Encouraged.
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