IN SEARCH OF UNICORNS: Part II (Spark Notes Version)

I see that I touched on a few nerves with last Wednesday’s post.  I’m going to attempt to kill several proverbial birds with one well-lobbed stone and reiterate my position on being a “ride or die chick”… like it or not.

This is the part where I need you all to focus… the “ride or die chick” is different than a good woman!  Good women, in mutually beneficial relationships, where they not only offer, but receive, support are not subject to the “ride or die chick” phenomenon.  They are not falling prey to this perversion where women are being manipulated into thinking that they have to allow themselves to be doormats in order to accommodate someone else’s twisted impression of what it means to be loyal or dedicated.  Relationships require work and I am not referring to the NORMAL adversity that may arise.  Normal adversity is not always due to circumstances that could easily be avoided and is not always caused by only one party in the relationship.  I would not call this type of woman (nor would she likely allow herself to be referred to as) a “ride or die chick”.  A good woman will look at the man who (to use last week’s example) presents with a wife and five kids and needs a place to stay and she will insist that he prove himself to be trustworthy, loyal (a stretch with a wife in tow) and at the very least, a contributing member of her team BEFORE she opens her door and invites him in to stay… because she realizes that just any man will not do.  She will wait for (to use a comment from last week’s post) God to provide her with a good man and use the intelligence that God has bestowed upon her to evaluate the situation in its entirety and make an informed decision based on HER needs and the needs of her family.  God provided her with wisdom for a reason.  A good woman does not accept abuse, disrespect, dishonor and devaluation.  A good woman is loyal and loving and receives support in return.  A good woman exercises good judgment.  A “ride or die chick” has no concept of what any of this means and sees her life through the lens of the man who she is riding with or more significantly, dying for.

I worked for many years in a setting where I interacted with court involved youth.  This system is filled with many young women who are incarcerated and languishing there because they bought into this inane belief that a woman should stand by her man no matter what variety of nonsense he has the unabashed audacity to bring to her door.  They wore their twisted “ride or die” badge of honor proudly and as a result I’ve seen drug charges, assault charges (mostly from fighting the random women who the man they were “riding for” kept introducing into their lives and upon occasion from fighting the man himself after becoming fed up with the constant disrespect and abuse), a few murder charges (for the same reasons), robbery charges, grand and petit larceny and a variety of child abuse and neglect charges (because who has time to be a good mother when you have a man to ride or die for).  These women ADMIT to feeling devalued, having low self-esteem and being willing to do anything, even risking their own lives, freedom and their happiness for the sake of someone who does not love them reciprocally.  Don’t be mistaken… the “ride or die chick” does not only rear her head in prison settings, or among the young and inexperienced…. Oh no!  The “ride or die chick” is stealthily hiding in plain view.  She can be found in board rooms, court rooms, concert halls, church pews... and mirrors.  The “ride or die chick” is a mother, sister, friend and confidant.

 

As an artist, my job is to generate healthy discussions, and given the number and variety of responses I’ve received, I’ve done just that.  Many of my posts are not told from my own perspective but from the perspective of others and I use many observations and discussions with other people as fodder.  The post last week sprung from a conversation that I had a few weeks ago with a young and cherished woman in my family who recanted a recent incident involving a young female acquaintance of hers who was cajoled into performing an illegal act by her boyfriend (and I use that term loosely, as no man who loves and cherishes you would manipulate you into standing by his side in the face of potential danger.  Love doesn’t require personal sacrifice from one party greater than the other party is willing to endure themselves).  He pressured this woman, using the very term that women have been conditioned to respond to… he taunted her for not being his “ride or die chick” (hence the post topic) until she relented.  Unfortunately, this young woman is looking at a substantial term of confinement as a result of her low self-esteem (yes, I said it) and inability to refuse a ridiculous request because of her dedication and loyalty to someone who was clearly undeserving.  She simply could not accept that having no man is better than having one who doesn’t love you enough to, not only keep you out of harm’s way, but not use you as a shield to protect himself from harm’s way.

 

The take away here is not to be so desperate for companionship that you become shortsighted.  I think we can all agree that a good woman supports her family; she stands up for, stands beside, and holds up said family.  When she gets mowed over, disrespected, manipulated into acting against her own character… and still holds on to that man, she moves from being a good woman to being a “ride or die chick”.  Copious amounts of Vaseline (to protect against scaring), brawl related hospital stays, regular interaction with local law enforcement, court appearances and most importantly: incessant feelings of expectations that are not reciprocated are not signs of a fruitful relationship.  From one good woman to another, if you find yourself in turbulent waters and your man is holding on to you as tightly as you are to him… and not trying to climb onto your back to use you as a life raft or submissive partner, then by all means hold on with both hands!  You are going WayBeyondZ! 

Nothing is perfect.  Life is messy.  Relationships are complex.  Outcomes are uncertain.  People are irrational.

~Hugh McKay