SUPERHERO DADS ROCK!!

My fondest memories of my dad have no basis in cash imbursements.  My memories do not include showing gratitude regarding tuition payments, or the purchasing of school uniforms.  My memories don’t extend to ever wondering how bills were paid once I received my coveted bright orange, daisy-print banana-seat, yellow-basket-in-the-front bike for my ninth birthday.  My fondest memories do, however, include my dad running alongside my bright orange, daisy-print banana-seat, yellow-basket-in-the-front bike while teaching me how to ride all while wearing what I’m pretty sure were uncomfortable dress shoes and socks that looked “slippery”.  My fond memories also include my daddy who eventually rode me on the back of the aforementioned little-girl bike when I fell off, lost interest and just could no longer be bothered ‘cause my girlfriends were playing double-dutch and my best friend Yvette, who wasn’t double-handed, was turning.  My fondest memories ensured me that I was unconditionally loved… my dad was a superhero!  MY superhero!

My dad who I thought was as big as a mountain as a kid and turned out to be only 5’11’ tall and not as hulking as I previously thought once I approached adolescence (and his height) and had to finally stop (with many tears and much ado) making him bend down so I could climb onto his shoulders, which was my preferred mode of transportation.  At almost 5’5’’ tall I’m sure this looked absurd, but my daddy indulged me (much to my mother’s amusement) for as long as he was physically able… because he was a superstar!  MY superstar!

My fondest memories include getting all dressed up early Saturday evenings and going to Serendipity on the UES for no reason at all.  I also remember that my first Tiffany’s blue box that enclosed the most perfect, tiny platinum ring with three tiny inlaid diamonds across the top came from my daddy.  With the ring, came a card that let me know I was adored and cherished.  My dad never missed an opportunity to let me know that I was his Princess and should be treated as such.  This set the stage for my expectations from men going forward.  MY daddy rocked!

How a father treats his daughter will shape how she views herself and how she expects to be treated by other people, but especially men, for the rest of her life.  She needs her dad’s unconditional love and acceptance!  With this she will not crave male love, as she has always had it (we’ve all seen the tragic outcomes of this during adolescence).  Dads play a major role in how girls feel about themselves.  His encouragement and approval help to develop her confidence and feelings of adequacy.  While men judge each other by performance, women often judge each other by physical beauty.  A father who comments on his daughter’s internal qualities gives her a healthy self-image that is not overly dependent on her physical attributes.  It is a father’s duty to help develop her self-esteem by connecting her accomplishments to something not related to her physical beauty, for ultimately she has very little control over that (I was a late bloomer and thank goodness I knew I was a Princess… a narrow-hipped, flat-chested Princess, but a Princess none the less).

 

It’s also very important for a girl to have respect for her dad.  Let’s face it, an adolescent will only abide by her dad’s rules and follow his directives if she respects him.  When she is a young child this obedience may be more fear driven, as fathers represent a natural authority figure.  This will change as adolescence sets in and she realizes that there is nothing forcing her compliance other than her love and respect for her father.  One way to reinforce respect is to speak the absolute truth to her.  When you lie she loses faith in not only you, but men in general as well as in herself as she will believe that she doesn’t deserve honesty.  Transparency is important!  Fathers who can admit when they make mistakes are a blessing to their daughters.  A dad who can admit that he has made a mistake or that he doesn’t know something teachers his daughter to trust in him, and by extension to trust men in general.  Make an effort to be a WayBeyondZ superhero dad!  Your daughter will hold all the fond memories you’ve given her and lessons that you’ve taught her in her heart forever. 

"[Dad] was a unique man who hurtled through life like a geologic force, depositing gold nuggets for me to mine.”
― LeeGale Gruen, Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter's Journey Through a Senior Acting Class

“Daughter, we didn't need your note - or a prince's visit - to tell us you'd done nothing wrong. We know the daughter we raised. We fear for your future, but never for your character. You take our love and our trust wherever you wander. 
Father.” 
― Gail Carson Levine, Fairest

MIDDLE SCHOOL AT 9

Most of my regular readers know a significant amount about my dyslexic son, Jordan, and our circuitous academic journey towards achieving reading fluency.  This post will introduce you to my youngest child, Julia.  Julia, like Jordan, is a tremendously gifted child.  But unlike Jordan, her ability to read and comprehend text way above her grade level and colorfully express her thoughts in writing are pretty impressive, if I do say so myself!

Julia began talking super early, very clearly and she went from cooing to stringing words together into sentences practically overnight.  Julia mostly taught herself to read at three-and-a-half and developed an almost eerie level of spelling accuracy.  Julia once told me that she saw words in her head in colors when people spoke to her.  I didn’t quite understand the weight of this statement when she relayed it to me.  In all honesty, my response was something akin to “how cool is that!” and chalked it up to some nonsensical “kidism”… you know the odd things that little kids say that often don’t make sense, but you don’t dare tell them that for fear of hurting their feelings or worse yet frustrating them by having to explain to a clearly dumb (foggy from fatigue) mommy who lost the ability to think like a kid “way back in the day” as my kids are fond of pointing out (insert Aunt Esther from Sanford and Sons’ sideeye here).  At this juncture, I might add, that Julia had a lot to say, ALL THE TIME, which combined with the fatigue inherently connected with actively parenting two kids born less than two years apart significantly enhanced my mental fog.  Julia chattered from the moment she opened her eyes in the morning until bedtime and beyond as she was, and still is, prone to talking in her sleep!  When around 3-years-old I began to see her ability to retain and utilize vocabulary in her daily speech pick up speed at an amazing rate her “colorful words” comment became clearer, but when she began showing a talent for expressing herself in writing, a few years later, the “colorful words” in her head really took on a grander meaning.

        

Julia’s pre-k experience entailed her being bored and often escorting the school’s admin around to deliver things to various classrooms and helping other kids with spelling their names… not exactly what I was hoping for in a first school year experience.  Julia attended the charter school where Jordan was enrolled for her kindergarten year.  This was a far more fulfilling experience for me; however, she kept getting reprimanded for leaving her seat.  When I asked her why she wasn’t able to remain seated she said, “There are kids who can’t read yet and need my help.”  Unfortunately, this behavior progressed to taking control of the smart board when the teacher was distracted and finally escalated into a spirited back and forth with her first grade teacher, on day 2 of school, over choosing a book in the library.  Julia wanted a chapter book and her teacher insisted on a picture book.  Julia won the argument and the ability to choose her own reading material going forward.  An added bonus was the option to skip the first grade.  The offer was promptly accepted and Julia (and her chapter books) moved across the hall into her new classroom!

There are definitely some immediate benefits to grade skipping.  The most obvious one being that your child will be academically challenged and stimulated by their school work.  For those with a child who is bored stiff in a class where every bit of material presented is material that the child has long ago mastered, they know what it's like to watch their child lose interest in school and have that energy be transferred to less productive activities, like poking around at the smart board.

Julia’s adjustment was seamless and she quit trying to take over the classroom!  Her social interaction with other students improved as she no longer felt the need to mother them.  This seemed to be, at least in part, due to the fact that she was spending more time with children who were a bit older, and generally, a bit more mature than the students who filled her previous class.  Academically advanced children are sometimes often a bit mature for their ages as well. 

Although the effects of grade skipping really do often appear to have some strong benefits for the child throughout their elementary years, once that child enters middle and high school, things can change.  Thankfully, Julia has continued to flourish academically and socially, but my concern is that she is now in middle school just shy of three weeks after her ninth birthday.  Some of her peers are travelling to and from school alone; some are interested in initiating boyfriend/girlfriend-like relationships and not to mention that part of the middle school curriculum includes a sex education class.  In addition, kids who are now, because they are all one to three years older than Julia, well into their puberty transformation, making them not only physically more mature, but sometimes downright huge?  Jesus, hold the wheel!  Thankfully, Julia is pretty tall and does not stand out as being significantly younger, save the still immature body.  Her lack of ‘fatty deposits” doesn’t bother me in the least and quite frankly she hasn’t mentioned it yet, but I’m sure it will become an issue at some point and I would hate for her self-esteem to take a hit as a result.

If this goes well, Julia will enter high school at 13 and will be going away to college at almost 17.  Scary that at this age most kids will have experimented with drugs, alcohol and sex.  Jesus be a fence!  My only advice is to keep the lines of communication open.  I talk to Julia about any and everything openly and honestly.  If I don’t have answers immediately, I find her the answers that she needs and circle back around to her.  I’m hoping she will have a WayBeyondZ year!

“Middle school is kind of like Middle-earth.  It’s a magical journey filled with elves, dwarves, hobbits, queens, kings, and a few corrupt wizards. Word to the wise: pick your traveling companions well.  Ones with the courage and moral fiber to persevere.  Ones who wield their lip gloss like magic wands when confronted with danger. This way, when you pass through the congested hallways rife with pernicious diversion, you achieve your desired destination—or at least your next class.

― Kimberly Dana, Lucy and CeCee's How to Survive (and Thrive) in Middle School

WHEN "WE" MORPHS INTO "ME" AND "US" HAS PASSED AWAY... Life After Divorce

Divorce, long separation, intermission, hiatus, respite, an extra-long trip to the corner store for a loaf of bread… you can call it what you wish (some folks need to describe it creatively to escape any blame or shame… no judgment here).    The reality is that no matter what you call “it”, how you define “it”, there are repercussions of “it” and one major set of repercussions is how it affects the children that are experiencing “it”.

Divorce can and most often does create emotional wounds in children.  Please people… a little maturity here… TALK to your kids!  Let them know in an age appropriate way about what’s going on, what they’re feeling and how things will get better... because it will get better!  Involve them!  They are involved in this transition and if they feel “in the know”, they will gain a sense of empowerment as opposed to a sense of helplessness and despondency.

  

Next set of repercussions are dealt to the spouse who was left behind… it’s always easier to leave than to be left.  Assess your financial situation, which has likely taken a severe hit.  Your household income has likely been reduced by half (or more if the absent partner was the greater income producer).  Do everything you can to program yourself for success going forward.  If you don’t already know what it is, this is a great time to find out what your strengths and skills are and focus on them to help move you in a new and positive direction.  Everybody has a personal truth (what you believe about yourself when nobody's watching).  Remember that you will create the results in life that you believe you deserve.  This is the time to believe that you can fly WayBeyondZ, because you can!  Claim it, line it up, and make it happen!  This by no means implies that you should forget that you are a sum total of your experiences, BECAUSE YOU ARE exactly that.  You cannot erase your past, and life DOESN’T transcend that truth… there is no reset button.  You need to PLAN for success and execute your plan remembering and learning from your past mistakes and transgressions.  Include not repeating your past mistakes in your new plan.  No one can conduct this assessment for you.  It is easy to place blame on others, or to lean on a new relationship and get caught up looking like a fool in rose-colored glasses, recreating the same mess that you just left behind.  Cut out the foolywang!  Only you know where you made the left turn and only you can commit to taking the right path going forward.

 

Create a support squad!  My experiences of always relying on only myself make asking for help very difficult (almost impossible) for me.  I have come to realize that people who love you appreciate being asked for help (as long as it’s within reason… I don’t think anyone would appreciate being asked repeatedly to make your credit card payments) and it is a gift to them to allow them to be there for you.  I assure you if you create a support squad of your closest friends who won't mind providing you with emotional support, professional guidance and ongoing inspiration, you will benefit.  Realize that you're not the first person to go through this.

 

Make it a priority to be a little selfish and do something just for you.  The most important gift you can give your children is to take care of their parents.  Try a new class, start exercising, or reconnect with an old hobby you've forgotten about.  Even though you may no longer be only half of a couple, you are absolutely still 100 percent of the person who you are.  Find your authentic self!  Reconnect with what makes you excited to get out of bed every day!

 

Do your kids bring you joy?  Why not have some joy with your kids and choose to live with some fun in your new life.  What kind of mom do you think your kids are experiencing when you're sitting around, crying and lamenting about what was instead of what is?  Create new memories with your children that will carry them into the future with self-esteem, confidence and happiness.  When it’s the appropriate time for you (after the kids are settled and depending on the kids themselves, their ages and the circumstances surrounding the big “D”) be open to love.  Do not allow the experience to make you jaded.  Grieving a lost marriage doesn't have a time frame on it, but life does.  Whether you realize it or not, life is marching on and your kids will be leaving the nest before you know it.  There comes a time when you have to accept the fact and say, "I've got to get on with my life!”  Find a way to put one foot in front of the other and move forward BUT, it’s important to always look at any new relationship and ask yourself, "What's it costing me to be in this relationship?"  If you totally lose yourself in it, are in it for the wrong reasons (such as financial stability or just because you miss being in a relationship) then the cost is way too high.  Lastly, NEVER make the mistake of putting your new love before your children or yourself… you and the kids come first!

You can live WayBeyondZ after divorce.  Find your joy! 

“If you spend your time hoping someone will suffer the consequences for what they did to your heart, then your allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.”

― Shannon L. Alder

“Love, above all things, is a commitment to your choice.”

― Rob Liano

KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED... Childhood Sexual Abuse is Real

Yes, I’m a proud helicopter mom… there I said it!  If you’re like me, you’d rather err on the side of caution than take chances with my children’s safety.  There should be no task more important to a parent than to keep his/her children safe from harm.  The problem is that sometimes harmful things are right under our noses, and sometimes harmful thing are also shameful things and we are more comfortable hiding our heads in the sand.  It can be very difficult to talk about sexual abuse and even more difficult to acknowledge that sexual abuse of children of all ages (including infants) happens every day.

The prevalence of child sexual abuse is not known because so many victims do not disclose or report their abuse.  Research has suggested rates varying from 1% - 35%.  Most professionals in the field of abuse place the rates at 8% - 20%.

Adult retrospective studies show that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men were sexually abused before the age of 18 (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2006).  This means there are more than 42 million adult survivors of child sexual abuse in the United States.

·      The primary reason that the public is not sufficiently aware of child sexual abuse as a problem is that 73% of child victims do not tell anyone about the abuse for at least a year.  45% of victims do not tell anyone for at least 5 years.  Some never disclose (Smith et al., 2000; Broman-Fulks et al., 2007).

     Sadly, it is highly likely that you know a child who has been or is currently being abused.  Being that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused before their 18th birthdays.  This means that in any classroom or neighborhood full of children, there are children who are silently bearing the burden of sexual abuse. 

·       The median age for reported sexual abuse is 9 years old.  Approximately 20% of the victims of sexual abuse are under age eight and .  50% of all victims of forcible sodomy, sexual assault with an object, and forcible fondling are under age twelve.  Yes, I know the statistics just caused your blood to run cold.  More shockingly... most child victims never report the abuse.  Sexually abused children who keep it a secret or who "tell" and are not believed are at greater risk than the general population for psychological, emotional, social, and physical problems, often lasting into adulthood. 

It is also likely that you know an abuser!  The greatest risk to children doesn't come from strangers but from friends and family.

• 30-40% of children are abused by family members.
• As many as 60% are abused by people the family trusts- abusers frequently try to form a trusting relationship with parents.
• Nearly 40% are abused by older or larger children.  This may be very difficult to acknowledge, but be mindful of the interactions of unrelated step-siblings or children who are friends of the family. 
• There are no telltale signs, people who abuse children look and act just like everyone else.  In fact, they often go to great lengths to appear trustworthy and to gain access to children.

The fact is that there are dire consequences of childhood sexual abuse… other than the obvious trauma. 

• 70 - 80% of sexual abuse survivors report excessive drug and alcohol use.
• One study showed that among male survivors, 50% have suicidal thoughts and more than 20% attempt suicide.
• Young girls who are sexually abused are more likely to develop eating disorders as adolescents.
• More than 60% of teen first pregnancies are preceded by experiences of molestation, rape or attempted rape.  The average age of the offenders is 27 years old.
•  Approximately 40% of sex offenders report sexual abuse as children.
• Both males and females who have been sexually abused are more likely to engage in prostitution.

As a parent, there are a host of ways you can minimize opportunity.  Be vigilant.  Never let your guard down and never leave children unsupervised.  Abusers often become friendly with potential victims and their families, enjoying family activities, earning trust, and gaining time alone with children.  Think carefully about the safety of any one-adult/one-child situations and always choose group situations/activities when possible.  Think carefully about the safety of situations in which older youth have access to younger children, like sleepovers at friends’ houses.  Make sure that multiple adults are present who will commit to supervising any and all interactions (supervision doesn’t mean saying good night and retiring behind closed doors while children are left to fend for and protect themselves against any potentially harmful situation).  Be mindful that incidents of sexual abuse often happen in a home when adults are home, just failing to supervise young children with older or larger youths.

 

Parents, as difficult as this topic is… talk about it!  Barriers can be broken down by talking openly and frankly about it.  An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  It’s never too early to begin having age appropriate talks with your children, and by all means, please believe your children and take appropriate precautions to ensure their safety. 

  

Children are sometimes afraid to tell for a variety of reasons.  For one, abusers shame their victims and point out that they “allowed” the abuse to happen.  Sometimes abusers manipulate their victims by telling them that their parents will be angry if they tell, or confuse the child about what is right and what is wrong (this is why talking frankly to your children early on is imperative).  Abuser sometimes threatens the child or a family member and children are afraid of disappointing their parents and disrupting the family.  Some children who do not initially disclose abuse are ashamed to tell when it happens again.  Some victims are simply too young to understand.

One problem is that signs of sexual abuse are not always obvious.  Signs are often there but you need to know how to spot them.  Physical signs of sexual abuse are not common, although redness, rashes or swelling in the genital area, urinary tract infections, or other like symptoms should be carefully investigated.  Also, problems associated with anxiety, such as chronic stomach pain or headaches, may occur.  Emotional or behavioral signs are more common.  These signs may include withdrawal or depression to anger and rebellion.  Sexual behavior and language that are not age appropriate are also red flags.  Alas, in some children there aren’t any signs at all.

 

It is very important to remember, as panic inducing as this topic is, if you suspect any abuse has occurred you must NOT overreact!  Your child will be reading your reaction and reacting to it!  If you react with anger, disbelief or indifference the child’s response will often be to shut down or change the story.  Another byproduct is that the abused child feels even guiltier.  Fact:  Very few reported incidents are false.  You should try to offer support to the child.  Believe the child and make certain that the child knows that you do.  Thank the child for being courageous enough to tell you, then immediately seek the help of a professional who is trained to interview the child about sexual abuse.

Child sexual abuse is a crime and you are obligated to report it.  All 50 states require that professionals who work with children report reasonable suspicions of child abuse.  Some states require that anyone with suspicions report it.  You may be faced with a situation where you suspect abuse but don't have any proof.  Suspicions are scary, but trust your instincts.  Go Way Beyond Z and have the courage to report the suspected abuse.

“The most important thing in defining child sexual abuse is the experience of the child. It takes very little for a child’s world to be devastated. A single experience can have a profound impact on a child’s life. A man sticks his hand in his daughter’s underpants, or strokes his son’s penis once, and for that child, the world is never the same again.” 

― Laura Hough, Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Is a Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse