PEER PRESSURE WOES

So, I’ve been suffering with a serious case of writer’s block, which is less than pleasant considering that the majority of my job consists of writing.  I was painfully plugging away at an RFP when I received a phone call from the Dean of Students at my daughter’s school a few days ago.  The tale the dean recanted was way too ridiculous to make up, and I’ve decided to share it.  It’s a tale about peer pressure, luckily harmless, but peer pressure requires immediate intervention, none the less, lest it balloon into a more significant issue if left to its own growth pattern.  

  

As I mentioned, I was sitting at my desk, when the phone started ringing.  I wasn’t having a great afternoon, as my creative juices hadn’t been flowing freely for a few days.  I leaned over, glanced at the caller ID and sighed.  No parent likes to receive calls from school in the middle of the day, as it either means that your kid is ill and needs to be picked up early or he or she is in hot water.  Schools never call to wish you a pleasant day or tell you that your kid is a rock star… bummer.  I picked up the call and was greeted by a very tense sounding Dean of Students.  She gave me her obligatory greeting and segued immediately into the reason for her call.  She sounded sketchy and spoke haltingly but I patiently waited as she informed me that Julia was given detention as a result of an “incident” that she witnessed earlier that day in the girl’s bathroom.  She went on to say that she was apologetic that Julia, who had never, ever  been given detention for any reason, was  going to have to attend; but she felt it imperative to send a message that no student is ever exempt from following school rules and adhering to appropriate standards of conduct.  Hmmmm… standard of conduct?  What in the devil did this child do?!??  When I realized that she was rushing through this explanation because she was clearly uncomfortable with having this discussion I stopped her.  I asked, “What exactly did you witness?  What did Julia do to earn herself a stint in detention?”  The dean paused, took a few heavy breaths and proceeded to tell me a tale that almost caused my naturally curly hair to straighten.  She said that she was passing by the girl’s bathroom when she heard what sounded like cheering and clapping.  When she poked her head in to see what the disturbance was all about she witnessed my child, my nine-year-old, academically gifted fifth grader, “way up high… surprisingly high, actually” on a pole in the bathroom!  She stood there long enough to watch Julia wrap her skinny, pre-pubescent leg around said pole and determinedly SLIDE slowly down and around it.  This noteworthy performance apparently caused the dean to blush deeply and caused the other girls in attendance to cheer.  Jesus be a fence!  I was completely speechless, fully unable to find any words to articulate my scattered emotions.  I had shot straight from writer’s block into articulation impaired and was careening into cardiac failure at a breakneck speed!  I was hot and cold and confused and ashamed and frankly I was as angry as hell!    

  

The dean assured me that she’d had a full discussion with Julia, that included Julia bursting into tears and owning up to the whole incident (I mean, how could she deny it?  She was caught red handed!)  Julia asked if there was any way that she could serve detention without informing her mother… fat chance, Cookie!  Anyway, my newly-errant, pre-pubescent child was caught red-handed doing a pole dance in a school bathroom and I could NOT WAIT to speak to her!  Unfortunately, there was early dismissal that day and Julia was en route to her dance class (how ironic) and a pull-up would have to wait.  Sigh…

… 7pm and Julia is seated on my bed, facing me, head bowed as I paced my room like a caged tiger.  “What in the HEYELL could have possessed you?  What in the universe could you have been thinking?” I asked, not so calmly.  Julia turned her little angelic face towards me, with huge, teary, doe-eyes and simply said, “But mama, I had to do it.  A sixth grader challenged me!  You know how competitive I am and she said I couldn’t do it.  Then she climbed the pole and slid down herself!”

 

Huh?  Well thankfully this behavior was learned and not self-initiated, but HWHAT in the HEYELL?!??  Then my little doe-eyed child stood up and folded her skinny arms across her birdlike chest and said, in a strong voice that contradicted the tears threatening to spill from her eyes, “Mama she was obese!  There was not a chance I could let her think that I couldn’t do something that she could do… even her ankles are fat!!”  Julia dissolved into tears and I walked out of my bedroom to process (and laugh... don’t you dare judge me).  I needed a shot of tequila but settled instead for a glass of sauvignon blanc and marched back up the stairs to address my daughter and her faulty thinking.  God doesn’t give you more than you can bear, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to bear having to talk to my 9-year-old daughter about pole dancing.  Ay Dios!

 

I began with the whole… “she was obese” thing.  I explained that her description of the sixth grader was rude and unkind, and covered why it was unacceptable to label people.  I spent a significant amount of time on the hazards of falling victim to peer pressure and used detention to illustrate how there are negative consequences to being a follower.  This point took a while to sink in because Julia disagreed that she was following, but accepted the sixth grader's challenge willingly… I stayed on script.  I eventually segued into how I was disappointed that my daughter was caught by a school administrator doing a pole dance and how this reflected poorly on our “team”.  Through our conversation, I recognized that Julia viewed this as a purely physical challenge and not a display of seductive behavior.  (Thank God for small favors.)  Still she understood what lens she could have been viewed through.  All in all a pretty upsetting incident led us into a very productive conversation.

 

I had a few questions though.  I asked Julia if the pole was a steam pipe?  Because if it was, wasn’t it hot, and shouldn’t it have been too close to the wall to climb?  Julia said it wasn’t a steam pipe and was in the middle of the bathroom?!??  What?  Can someone please tell me why there is a pole in the middle of the girl’s bathroom?  That’s like an invitation, no?  I recognize that that’s not an excuse for her pole dancing extravaganza.  There could be a double-hump dromedary in the bathroom and I would no more expect her to ride it; although, at this point I wouldn't be surprised, but I’m just sayin’… why?

Peer pressure is unfortunately a fact of every kid’s life and this becomes heightened during the teen years when the opinion of one’s peers is more significant than the opinion of one’s parents.  No matter how popular your kid is, how well liked your kid may be or how together they might feel, sooner or later they’ll have to face peer pressure.  Whether it is pressure to conform to a group norm or pressure to act a certain way, peer pressure is something everybody has to deal with at some time in their life.  How successfully they handle peer pressure depends a great deal on how they feel about themselves and their place in the world.  When peer pressure kicks into high gear it becomes easy to get caught up in the moment and forget about consequences.  We, as parents, have to be relentless in our attempts to build esteem and empower our kids.  We must build character and instill core values.  In this way, hopefully they will always stand up for what they think is right no matter who feels differently.  It’s a difficult line to walk though.  Kids need to learn how to be assertive without becoming preachy or self-righteous.  If they are ostracized because their methods have them standing on a soap box while they're standing their ground the pressure to conform may be heightened and kids have a strong need to belong.  Alas, we must teach our kids to be WayBeyondZ leaders not followers.

 

“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”

― Bruce Lee