So, I’ve been suffering with a serious
case of writer’s block, which is less than pleasant considering that the
majority of my job consists of writing.
I was painfully plugging away at an RFP when I received a phone call
from the Dean of Students at my daughter’s school a few days ago. The tale the dean recanted was way too
ridiculous to make up, and I’ve decided to share it. It’s a tale about peer pressure, luckily harmless, but peer
pressure requires immediate intervention, none the less, lest it balloon into a more
significant issue if left to its own growth pattern.
As I mentioned, I was sitting at my
desk, when the phone started ringing.
I wasn’t having a great afternoon, as my creative juices hadn’t been
flowing freely for a few days. I
leaned over, glanced at the caller ID and sighed. No parent likes to receive calls from school in the middle
of the day, as it either means that your kid is ill and needs to be picked up
early or he or she is in hot water.
Schools never call to wish you a pleasant day or tell you that your kid
is a rock star… bummer. I picked
up the call and was greeted by a very tense sounding Dean of Students. She gave me her obligatory greeting and
segued immediately into the reason for her call. She sounded sketchy and spoke haltingly but I patiently
waited as she informed me that Julia was given detention as a result of an
“incident” that she witnessed earlier that day in the girl’s bathroom. She went on to say that she was
apologetic that Julia, who had never, ever been given detention for any reason, was going to have to attend; but she felt
it imperative to send a message that no student is ever exempt from following
school rules and adhering to appropriate standards of conduct. Hmmmm… standard of conduct? What in the devil did this child
do?!?? When I realized that she
was rushing through this explanation because she was clearly uncomfortable with
having this discussion I stopped her.
I asked, “What exactly did you witness? What did Julia do to earn herself a stint in
detention?” The dean paused, took
a few heavy breaths and proceeded to tell me a tale that almost caused my
naturally curly hair to straighten.
She said that she was passing by the girl’s bathroom when she heard what
sounded like cheering and clapping.
When she poked her head in to see what the disturbance was all about she
witnessed my child, my nine-year-old, academically gifted fifth grader, “way up
high… surprisingly high, actually” on a pole in the bathroom! She stood there long enough to watch
Julia wrap her skinny, pre-pubescent leg around said pole and determinedly
SLIDE slowly down and around it.
This noteworthy performance apparently caused the dean to blush deeply
and caused the other girls in attendance to cheer. Jesus be a fence!
I was completely speechless, fully unable to find any words to
articulate my scattered emotions.
I had shot straight from writer’s block into articulation impaired and
was careening into cardiac failure at a breakneck speed! I was hot and cold and confused and
ashamed and frankly I was as angry as
hell!
The dean assured me that she’d had a
full discussion with Julia, that included Julia bursting into tears and owning
up to the whole incident (I mean, how could she deny it? She was caught red handed!) Julia asked if there was any way that
she could serve detention without informing her mother… fat chance, Cookie! Anyway, my newly-errant, pre-pubescent
child was caught red-handed doing a pole dance in a school bathroom and I could
NOT WAIT to speak to her!
Unfortunately, there was early dismissal that day and Julia was en route
to her dance class (how ironic) and a pull-up would have to wait. Sigh…
… 7pm and Julia is seated on my bed,
facing me, head bowed as I paced my room like a caged tiger. “What in the HEYELL could have
possessed you? What in the
universe could you have been thinking?” I asked, not so calmly. Julia turned her little angelic face
towards me, with huge, teary, doe-eyes and simply said, “But mama, I had to do
it. A sixth grader challenged
me! You know how competitive I am
and she said I couldn’t do it.
Then she climbed the pole and slid down herself!”
Huh? Well thankfully this behavior was learned and not
self-initiated, but HWHAT in the HEYELL?!?? Then my little doe-eyed child stood up and folded her skinny
arms across her birdlike chest and said, in a strong voice that contradicted
the tears threatening to spill from her eyes, “Mama she was obese! There was not a chance I could let her think
that I couldn’t do something that she could do… even her ankles are fat!!” Julia dissolved into tears and I walked
out of my bedroom to process (and laugh... don’t you dare judge me). I needed a shot of tequila but settled
instead for a glass of sauvignon blanc and marched back up the stairs to
address my daughter and her faulty thinking. God doesn’t give you more than you can bear, but I wasn’t
sure I was ready to bear having to talk to my 9-year-old daughter about pole
dancing. Ay Dios!
I began with the whole… “she was obese”
thing. I explained that her
description of the sixth grader was rude and unkind, and covered why it was unacceptable
to label people. I spent a
significant amount of time on the hazards of falling victim to peer pressure
and used detention to illustrate how there are negative consequences to being a
follower. This point took a while
to sink in because Julia disagreed that she was following, but accepted the sixth grader's challenge willingly… I stayed on script.
I eventually segued into how I was disappointed that my daughter was
caught by a school administrator doing a pole dance and how this reflected
poorly on our “team”. Through our
conversation, I recognized that Julia viewed this as a purely physical
challenge and not a display of seductive behavior. (Thank God for small favors.) Still she understood what lens she could have been viewed
through. All in all a pretty
upsetting incident led us into a very productive conversation.
I had a few questions though. I asked Julia if the pole was a steam pipe? Because if it was, wasn’t it hot, and
shouldn’t it have been too close to the wall to climb? Julia said it wasn’t a steam pipe and
was in the middle of the bathroom?!??
What? Can someone please
tell me why there is a pole in the middle of the girl’s bathroom? That’s like an invitation, no? I recognize that that’s not an excuse
for her pole dancing extravaganza.
There could be a double-hump dromedary in the bathroom and I would no
more expect her to ride it; although, at this point I wouldn't be surprised, but I’m
just sayin’… why?
Peer pressure is unfortunately a fact of
every kid’s life and this becomes heightened during the teen years when the
opinion of one’s peers is more significant than the opinion of one’s parents. No matter how popular your kid is, how well
liked your kid may be or how together they might feel, sooner or later they’ll have
to face peer pressure. Whether it
is pressure to conform to a group norm or pressure to act a certain way, peer
pressure is something everybody has to deal with at some time in their life. How successfully they handle peer
pressure depends a great deal on how they feel about themselves and their place
in the world. When peer pressure
kicks into high gear it becomes easy to get caught up in the moment and forget about
consequences. We, as parents, have to be relentless in our attempts to
build esteem and empower our kids.
We must build character and instill core values. In this way, hopefully they will always
stand up for what they think is right no matter who feels differently. It’s a difficult line to walk though. Kids need to learn how to be assertive
without becoming preachy or self-righteous. If they are ostracized because their methods have them standing
on a soap box while they're standing their ground the pressure to
conform may be heightened and kids have a strong need to belong. Alas, we must teach our kids to be WayBeyondZ leaders not followers.
“I’m not in this world to live up to
your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”
― Bruce
Lee
