IN SEARCH OF A UNICORN

Urban dictionary defines “ride or die chick” as follows:

1.    A chick that ain't afraid to be down with her man; she'll do anything her man needs her to do.

2.    “Ride or die chick” refers to someone who (normally a girl, hence the word chick) is down for everything & anything.  Basically down for both the bad and the good.

I’ve heard full grown, decently educated, adult men say that ‘ride or die chicks’ are the only type of girls that they date and those are the only types of girls that make the dating experience completely worth it.  They mysteriously define this girl as the total package… “She’s your homegirl, your lover and your friend all rolled up into one delectable package.”  She’s been said to know the “tendencies” of her man and understands the way he “works”.  I hear that these ‘ride or die chicks’ are as elusive unicorns, but they are out there and once you find one, you may never want to let her go.

 

Here’s the part where I pick this whole ‘ride or die chick’ theory apart and offer another perspective.  Look fellas… unicorns are real, and easy to find!  They’re just fat and gray and we commonly refer to them as rhinos.  WAKE UP!!  Of course I’m being funny but my point is: Quit looking for imaginary unicorns when alive and well rhinos are in your midst.  You're not looking for a unicorn... you're looking for a woman with low self-esteem who will allow you to take advantage of her loyalty.  If you love purely and reciprocally you will receive the same benefits without breaking another’s spirit or risk compromising someone else’s values.

 

‘Ride or die chicks’ are not a new phenomenon.  They’ve been stealthily moving among us for ages, knitting blankets, robbing banks and fighting their men’s battles.  For instance, Sarah, of the Old Testament, was Abraham’s ‘ride or die chick’.  She was willing to be deceitful and pretended to be Abraham’s sister and allowed herself to be taken into another man’s bed to save Abraham from certain death… not once, but TWICE!  Why would she do this for him?  Better yet, why would he allow his wife to be delivered into another man’s bed in order to save his own neck?  Modern day examples include, Virginia Thomas of the Clarence Thomas sexual harassment fandango, Dina McGreevey (before her husband, Jim McGreevey, declared himself a gay American), Huma Abedin of the Anthony Weiner political-suicide sexting mess, Hillary Clinton (nuff said) and the Depression Era, bank robbing Bonnie Elizabeth Parker (sidekick to her Clyde Chestnut Barrow).

 

Good women who are, and have been, accustomed to standing by their men in the face of normal adversity are now being expected to dash away all of their home-grown, mama-bestowed, you-know-you-know-better senses to stick by their man no matter what manner of foolywang that arrives at her doorstep.  This new millennium, ‘ride or die chick’ beneficiary can present with a wife (“we’re separated, baby… never mind that car seat in the back of my car”), five kids and problems with adhering to common values associated with integrity and fidelity and the new-fangled ‘ride or die chick’ will open the door and invite him right in!  He can arrive in the middle of the night, a full 6 hours after he was expected, and the ‘ride or die chick’ will not only greet him with open arms and a shut mouth, but is expected to warm up his dinner and draw a bath... all while massaging his feet and pole dancing wearing nothing but stilettos!  He can come with some craziness regarding how or where he acquired yet another baby during the course of their relationship and guess what?  He, his baby AND his new-baby-mama-shenanigans are accepted with open arms... we all make mistakes, right?

 

Why are we rocking this new title like it’s some Boy Scout badge of honor when it’s really the same old shameful situation placed in a blue box with a white ribbon tied into a pretty bow wrapped around it?  At what point do you go into the bathroom, wipe the sharpie printed, “I’m a she-ass”, off your forehead and realize that accepting disrespect and humiliation and the expectation that your desperation to keep your man will dictate your unwavering acceptance of his downright impudent and irreverent behavior is pure and unadulterated foolishness?!  At what point do you draw the line?!??  What I will say is that the man who came up with the “ride or die” philosophy is an absolute genius!  He has convinced women across America to give their all, only to receive very little or nothing in return.  Women have been conditioned to readily toss their self-respect, integrity and dignity to the wind because (for some women) it is better to have a man (any man) than no man at all.  She gets very little satisfaction from this type of relationship, but, in the end, you’re both comfortable with that idea.  She gets a scoundrel of a man, who is no prize and he gets his way without having the added pain of consequence and with the added value of acceptance and continued reinforcement of his bad behavior.  

If you are a follower of television series, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, you’ve probably witnessed the shenanigans of one Stevie J.  Stevie J spent the entire season finale episode using a bus analogy where he said that he’s the bus driver and women get on and off the Stevie J bus as they please.  He provides the gas, the air in the tires, the entire bus.  He goes on to say, “Get with the program or I’m going to have to leave you in the desert.” for surely, there is another ‘ride or die chick’ ready to accept Stevie J’s ongoing shenanigans.  This perfectly characterizes the problem.  Stevie J… and probably a lot of other men who are pursuing the unicorn realizes that there are a great many women who have been conditioned to believe that they’d better “get on (whatever) bus” pulls up to the curb, for fear that bus service will be suspended.  They sadly have no idea that they are perfectly capable of ambulating on their own.   

  

Alas, a man who is accustomed to dating these types of women who suffer from staggeringly low self-esteem, low enough to allow her to compromise her principles and expectations in order to stand by a man who probably doesn’t deserve her support, will ne’er be satisfied with a stand-up, woman of high values who will support her partner without fail as long as he shows her that he is deserving of her undying support.  This type of woman is way too much work.  Be a WayBeyondZ partner and respect and value the one you claim to love. 

“Never assume that love is enough to make someone stay or come back to you. Because when pain strikes the heart love will fade no matter how great it is.”

- unknown

“Better to have one woman on your side than ten men.”

― Robert Jordan, The Great Hunt

HAS YOUR BALLAST TANK SPRUNG A LEAK?

So, you meet Mr. Wonderful, get swept away by his charm and charisma and enjoy a whirlwind courtship filled with love and passion.  You profess your undying love and affection for each other, decide to move your relationship to the next level and tie the proverbial knot.  Then you see signs that the proverbial knot wasn’t properly “dressed”.  Anyone who was a boy scout, sails, rock climbs or who has a general concern about being able to restrain serial killers (hey, you can never be too safe) knows that an improperly “dressed” knot can lead to excessive stress and rubbing, which will gradually cause the knot to weaken and fail or slip, if you will.  After committing to a life and building a family with said, Mr. Wonderful, you can’t imagine that your loving and devoted husband who you thought was secured with a double fisherman knot, was really only bound with a shoddy slip knot, but should probably have been secured with a constrictor knot which will never slip and needs to be cut in order to loosen it.  For those who I’ve lost in the figurative language… you think your husband is cheating!

Looking for signs of an affair is complicated, and no clues or signs are fool proof, but there are some that should definitely make you raise an eyebrow and if many signs are present, you should probably pay really close attention because you may either want to batten down the hatches (tighten up your marriage) or abandon ship.  

Here are a few hints that your relationship may have sprung a leak in the ballast tank:

He’s suddenly paying more attention to personal grooming and dressing better:  If your husband who normally rocks a five-o’clock shadow all weekend long and chills in sweats or basketball shorts is suddenly waging an obsessive, all-out war against unwanted facial hair and taking your daughter to dance class wearing a sports jacket… your hackles should be raised!  Your bowline knot may not be properly dressed.  If your hubby has all of a sudden turned into a new millennium man, gotten a new haircut and has his shoes shined every time he wears them, you may be quite thrilled that he’s finally listening to your style advice but be mindful that he could be trying to impress someone other than you.

 

He’s has a new favorite clothing item:  When you and your husband first started dating, you thought it was adorable that he often wore a particular cashmere sweater for you simply because you told him you loved the way it accented his broad shoulders and that the color brought out the color of his eyes.  If he has a new fav sweater or new pair of shoes that has nothing to do with your date nights, it could be something that a girlfriend has bought him.    Of course, none of these sign may mean anything, other than he’s turned over a new leaf, but the clues could be piling up and you may need to pay closer attention because your grinner knot may not be properly dressed.

The details are fuzzy:  Your husband is suddenly prone to hanging out after work with random “guys” or random “people from work” who have no names.  If your husband, who can remember his seat number from the Superbowl XXI Giants vs. Broncos game in 1987, is amazingly having a hard time remembering where he and “the fellas” stopped for dinner the other night your square knot is definitely slipping!  Getting details should not be like pulling teeth and this is almost certainly a sign that he’s being dishonest, especially if the details keep changing every time you ask.     

He is being clandestine:  If your dude starts leaving the room to take calls or letting calls go to voicemail instead of answering them in front of you and his phone is locked whereas it wasn’t before… there is a problem.  If your guy fabricates an excuse why you should have separate cell phone accounts or has asked for a de-itemized bill on a joint account… there is a problem.  If you mysteriously get de-friended from Facebook or he changes all his email passwords, he may be hiding an affair.  If you find yourself wondering why he is so secretive, then you may need to start asking questions because it appears that your anchor bend knot may be slipping.  

He’s restless and preoccupied:  You and your husband used to be attached at the hip but now he has no interest in going out and doing things with you.  Date nights keep getting rescheduled or straight up cancelled and he seems restless and preoccupied at home and leaves suddenly to “take care of something” at random intervals.  Your husband is showing classic signs of thinking of his new fling and by now, you've guessed it... your timber hitch knot has been improperly dressed for a long time and it’s slipped for sure!  Of course his behavior could be related to stress at work but it could very well be related to an affair.    

He’s withdrawing and the sex is different:  Does your husband still hold your hand?  Does he initiate physical contact between you?  Does he retreat when you initiate contact?  If the answer to these simple questions is yes, then you need to batten down the hatches, a storm is brewing!  He may have withdrawn emotionally as well, retreating from conversations and leaving you feeling like you can’t connect with him anymore.  If you’re still having sex, it may be briefer and less fulfilling OR his new fling may have him feeling like a sexier, turned- up version of himself and he may be more adventurous and passionate in bed!  Perhaps he’s learned a new trick or two!  Ok, Cookie, once you get past your husband’s new prowess and uncurl your toes, you may want to question where or from whom he has been receiving instruction.  By this time your relationship may be, sadly, adrift at sea.

 

Stem to stern check:  I always say that a woman’s intuition (and a little creative research) is an amazing tool!  If you vibe that there is a problem with infidelity it is very likely that your instincts are absolutely correct, right on point and dead on.  (If you don’t trust your instincts a good private investigator is an amazing tool as well.)  Finding out that your spouse is cheating is painful and way difficult, but imagine how much worse it would be if you were totally unaware of the situation.  Keep in mind that not every man behaves the same way when he cheats and there is no strict formula to this, and you may be able to salvage your marriage if you move swiftly… if reconciling after an affair is something that you can live with.  None of these clues or hints are definitive proof that your husband is cheating, and furthermore, I have no answers as every relationship is different and exists on its own set of standards, expectations and criteria.  Alas, it is up to you to make WayBeyondZ decisions that you can live with.  Here's to smooth sailing!  

 

“The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation.”

― Cheryl Hughes

“What irritated me most in that entire situation was the fact that I wasn’t feeling humiliated, or annoyed, or even fooled. Betrayal was what I felt, my heart broken not just by a guy I was in love with, but also by, as I once believed, a true friend.”

― Danka V., The Unchosen Life

SUBWAY SURFER

School is back in session and my year long fight to rescue my son from a charter school that was unfortunately unable, and worse yet, unwilling to teach my non-cognitively-impaired but profoundly dyslexic child in a way that he could succeed academically, has finally paid off!  I need my son to not just succeed, but succeed in a way that would bolster, not strip, his fragile, pre-adolescent self-esteem and ensure that his full on, in-living-color sense of humor and vibrant curiosity could also flourish unencumbered by thoughts of “impending doom and imminent failure” (his phrase, not mine).  Jordan is officially a Winston Preparatory School student!

 

This is an amazing place where class sizes are small and individualized education is common practice.  Jordan is free to express himself and explore and stretch the bounds of his curiosity without reproach and ask questions without the fear of embarrassment.  Go Jordan!  When choosing this school I did realize that the distance between my kids’ schools would be great and that I would be solely responsible for ensuring that they arrive at their respective schools on time and in one piece; it all sounded so doable in theory.  What I didn’t realize was that the wildcard would be the NYC transit system upon which I rely.  Not to mention the throng of people who also rely on the rails and could care less about two 4’7” kids trying to get to school.

 

Typical morning this week included racing out of my house at 7:15am with Jordan and Julia in tow for the two and a half block walk to the subway.  Julia chatted the entire way and Jordan grumbled about a tag in his shirt that was bothersome… I tuned them out.  We get there and Julia has to swipe her metro card no less than seven (yes seven) times before she gains entry.  Jordan grumbled about being late because of Julia’s metro card troubles… I tapped my foot and continued to tune them out.  We sprint down the stairs just in time to watch the doors on the #6 train slide closed with us on the wrong side.  Julia argued with Jordan about whose fault it was that we missed the train… and you guessed it, I completely tuned them out.  We wait another three minutes for the next train and cram ourselves in beside the woman who thought it was a fabulous idea to transport her Schnauzer, named Wilson (we know this because Julia is magnetically drawn to any four legged furry creature), and her 6 foot tall Monstera plant during rush hour.  Wilson, who is obviously accustomed to travelling by train, was completely content to lick the lotion from my kneecaps while being pet by my aspiring veterinarian, Julia.  Woosah!  I get off the train on the UES and walk Julia a block to school, get jostled by random scholars and head back to the #6 train to continue on my journey to my next destination, in Chelsea.

 

Train ride number two isn’t bad; just crowded, as is the norm.  Jordan spent the entire ride complaining about the weight of his book bag and his inability to sit (why did he even think this was an option).  The ride to Chelsea and subsequent sprint across town isn’t really bad either because the weather is still mild (I’m not looking forward to doing this during the winter).  Unfortunately, by this time I’m a little over the whole morning commute and wondering if it’s too early for a glass of good port.  We arrive at school and I kiss my kid goodbye, much to his horror, and back to the subway for the last leg of my commute.  Oh Joy!  This is where my morning gets interesting.  I had a Carrie Bradshaw moment walking down the subway steps, got my heel caught and stumbled the entire flight of stairs hanging onto the back of a very kind gentleman who had no idea what hit him and why a woman had suddenly decided on a piggyback ride… and he was the identified piggy.  Can you say horrified?  That episode ended with me profusely apologizing (wearing only one shoe) and causing my savior to miss his train.  True to New Yorker form, he was gracious but not a happy camper.  Meanwhile, I’m back at the top of the stairs (still wearing only one shoe) trying to wrench the tip of my heel out of a crack without damaging the leather, which was no simple feat!  That crisis resolved, I walked down the stairs, on my own accord this time, and boarded train #3 to work only to realize when I arrived (at 08:30am mind you) that I’d been giving a peep show to the fine citizenry of Manhattan.  My dress was almost fully unzipped!  I knew I felt a breeze…

I was raised by a single mother who made a way for me.  She used to scrub floors as a domestic worker, put a cleaning rag in her pocketbook and ride the subways in Brooklyn so I would have food on the table.  But she taught me as I walked her to the subway that life is about not where you start, but where you’re going.  That’s family values.

~Al Sharpton

ARE YOU READY FOR A NEW COSTAR?

You’ve survived the hell that was your divorce.  It’s final and you’ve spent the requisite time in therapy addressing the temporary insanity issues that it caused and you are ready to consider another relationship.  I’m here to tell you that this is a good news/bad news situation, as getting into a new relationship is the second leading cause of temporary insanity.  Throw some kids who are attached like Velcro to their recently divorced mama into the mix and what you have could be as volatile as an explosion in a high school science lab!  Don’t get me wrong, a new relationship is exciting and could be a blissful experience if you finally meet your real soul mate, as opposed to the “play-play” or practice soul mate who was disguised as your real soul mate just with less depth of emotion and substance… well, you get my drift.  But to avoid putting yourself and your kids through another round of family based drama, extreme care and caution is required.     

I’ve given this a great amount of thought and here are some guidelines to help you steer clear of trouble (and possibly falling victim to temporary insanity):

Skip the short film and go for feature length:  The new relationship phase is like a new car smell… everyone craves it but it is short lived and then the real life phase sets in and if you’re not careful you’ve rushed past the friend building (foundation) and raced into the family building stage… no es bueno.  I know, I know… everything about a new relationship makes you want to race full speed ahead but you can’t expect to take your brand new boyfriend to forever-and-ever life partner in a matter of days.  As a recently (or not so recently) divorced person who doubles as a mature and responsible adult, on most days, you know that that would be majorly stupid and has the potential to unravel the life you’ve worked hard to reassemble for yourself and for your kids.  You do remember the living hell that your divorce was, don’t you?  You may even vaguely remember that you were at one time head-over-heels in love with your ex, before you realized that he was your “play-play” or practice soul mate who was disguised as your real soul mate just with less depth of emotion and substance… sorry, I digress.  My point is that you know full well that sometimes things that seem really amazing in the very beginning turn out to be pretty awful in the end.  Just savor your piece of cake one delicious bite at a time instead of stuffing it down whole.  Don’t rush ahead and ruin what could be a good thing.

Don’t fast forward:  Two dates and BAM!  “We’re meeting mommy’s friend for dinner!  Isn’t that wonderful?!”  No, actually it isn’t.  Your kids have had enough waves without involving them in your new love life.  If your kids end up liking the guy they will form emotional attachments and if it doesn’t work out you’ve set them up for an emotional loss that was totally avoidable.  The flip side is if they hate him, he may become a wedge between you and your Velcro babies and this creates tension for everyone.  Hold off on the introductions until you’re sure that it’s worth the upheaval that it has the potential to cause.  You need a vetting period of months (not days) and don’t introduce him until you’re reasonably sure that he’s going to be around for the forseeable future.       

You’re not casting for the role of replacement parent:  Do not force the relationship between your new beau and your kids.  That should happen in its own time and at its own rate and pace.  Furthermore, your kids already have a mom and dad even if he did turn out to be for “play-play” or your practice soul mate who was disguised as your real soul mate just with less depth of emotion and substance.  He is still their dad and should be respected as such… period!  You need to model what it looks like to approach a relationship in a mature manner, which in this case means with some self-control and restraint.  This is a lesson that will serve your children well in many ways and for a long time to come.      

You’re the casting director of your love life:  Your kids don’t get to decide who you date or fall head-over-heels in love with.  They do decide whether or not they like him.  Please do not be surprised if your Velcro babies don’t like him at first.  Most kids who have had any kind of consistency in their lives do not like to have their home dynamic switched up.  While it’s not prudent to try to force him down their throats, it is prudent to insist that they treat him respectfully while they work through the transition of having you all to themselves to sharing you with someone else.

Poor reviews:  So, your kids hate your new boyfriend.   Give them an opportunity to explain their feelings and listen attentively.  If your daughter tells you that he gives her the creeps and he flashes her when you’re not looking or your son tells you that he calls him nasty names and elbows him intentionally on the basketball court you should be the mother bear that you are meant to be and kick his ass with the speed of a ninja and don’t spare the nunchucks or assassin blades.  If they tell you that they’ve observed him rifling through your jewelry box or setting up a poisonous spider terrarium in your basement, these are things that don’t require kung fu on the blacktop at 5:15, but you should probably consider breaking up with him and reconsider your vetting criteria.  But if the children tell you that he is an attention hog or that you shouldn’t be dating because who needs a man when you have kids then you need to sit them down and have a discussion with them.  Complaints of that nature indicate that their objections aren't based on anything specific to him; but rather they dislike the idea of your having any boyfriend at all.  This is understandable.  From their standpoint, there's a big gross-out factor when it comes to the idea of their mama being all starry-eyed over some guy and doing all of those things that go along with dating.  Plus he is cutting in on their time.  There is no need to break up with (or beat up) your boyfriend over unfounded complaints and you probably don’t want to send the message that they have that level of authority over your love life, as this may set a precedent that you will quickly come to regret.  What you probably should do is make some adjustments to remove some of the pressure.  Continue to see your boyfriend, but temporarily go back to seeing him away from the house and/or at times when your kids are not around.  Don't hide the fact you're continuing to see him; just don't include your kids in your plans for now.  They need more time to adjust to this new arrangement.  Over time the resistance will diminish then you can slowly ramp up the occasions when your boyfriend is included in family events.  An added benefit is that it will afford you additional time to get to know him.  Your reward for being sensitive to your kids' needs is that your kids will be far more likely to actually like your new flame (rather than simply accepting him) if they don’t feel like he is being forced upon them.  All of this actually gives your relationship a greater chance of succeeding.       

Your kids are not supporting actors:  Every relationship has its share of bumps in the road.  You having been off the market and out of the dating scene haven’t dealt with the dynamics of a new relationship for a substantial period of time.  You may feel the need to process these developments by talking about them.  PLEASE grab a girlfriend, a Soror or hire a therapist but DO NOT process this with your kids.  This will not bond you to them or make you cool.  This behavior has the potential to damage your relationship with your kids.  They will develop diminished respect for you and reduce you from mom to BFF and if you and your beau have a spat (and you will) you two may be able to kiss and make up, but your kids may not be so quick to forgive and forget. 

Have a heart to heart with your leading man:   Before you and your new boyfriend meet each other’s kids, you should make sure you are both on the same page.  If you’re not comfortable enough to have the conversation, then you definitely don’t know him well enough to introduce him to your children.  If you find yourself more worried about how he will react than how your kids are going to be treated, then that's a pretty clear sign that you're suffering from temporary insanity.  When you put concerns about your new relationship ahead of concerns for your children, you need to spend less time dating and more time thinking about your priorities.  Find a WayBeyondZ therapist and wait until you’re ready!  There is no rush. 

Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.

~Oprah Winfrey

My Mama always said you've got to put the past behind you before you can move on.
~ Forrest Gump