YOUR KID's NOT SMART, LADY!!

My son was born a full week past his expected date of arrival, after an amazing and complication-free pregnancy, weighing in at over 8 lbs., 4 oz.  My baby was perfect!  My newborn son was alert, engaged and obviously a genius!  He was a joyful soul with a happy disposition, who gave smiles freely and laughed non-stop.  Jordan was the happiest baby I’d ever met!  He vaulted past all his milestones, many of them way ahead of schedule and skipped merrily through toddlerhood and straight in into preschool.  That experience was quite an adventure watching my curious preschooler cultivate a love for learning and exploration.  Preschool elapsed in what seemed like the blink of an eye and my four-year-old was on his way to Kindergarten! 

**It is of note to mention that Jordan’s birthday is towards the end of the calendar year and he is always among, if not, the youngest of his academic cohort.

Kindergarten was good, but there were some bumps in the road like when the kindergarten teacher began to mention that Jordan was not trying hard enough.  What does that really mean when referring to a 4-year-old?  Was his ability to mix finger paint lacking?  Were his “O’s” not rounding enough?  Were his number 2’s misshapen?  WTH?!  I was dismissive, my son was only 4 and I chalked it up to him still being quite young.  The teacher began to comment about how he was having difficulty with his weekly spelling words and how his handwriting was not up to par.  I could acknowledge that he did struggle a bit with decoding and his handwriting was a bit messy… but his effort was great so what’s the big deal?  I advocated for my son relentlessly and his teacher and I became engaged in a war of wills. 

I chose to focus on my son’s strengths.  Jordan showed an exceptional understanding of math concepts and spatial reasoning and relationships, even at this early age and showed an uncanny ability to see the big picture.  Much to my dismay, his teacher was unable to celebrate these abilities and talents and Jordan was constantly overshadowed by his poor pre-reading skills.  At his kindergarten graduation I watched, with tears of pride in my son, and tears of sadness for his disappointment in himself, as every other child received various awards for writing and reading and all Jordan received was an award for perfect attendance.  I felt as though my heart stopped beating as my son, looked at his father and I and said, “My teacher never smiles at me like she does the other kids.”  I realize now this was the beginning of the unraveling of his fragile self-esteem.         

Most parents are aware that their child's feelings of self-worth are linked to social and academic success, but they sometimes don't realize how easy it is to damage their child's self-esteem.  Research shows that children with learning disabilities are especially likely to suffer from a lack of self-esteem, but all children benefit when their parents take steps to help them develop positive feelings of self-worth.

I decided to transfer Jordan to another school for first grade and his experiences there were more positive though he continued to struggle.  He read on grade level but every new word posed a challenge.  Every word added to his list of sight words was a hard earned battle.  His dad and I continued to read to Jordan every night and slowly but surely Jordan made steady progress.  Jordan was a ravenous learner!  Every bit and piece of information that he came across through listening to others read and through hands on experience and conversation became a part of his general knowledge.  Jordan was still unable to master decoding and but this wasn’t outside of the realm of “normal” as he was still wasn’t even 6.5 years old by the end of the school year.  Second grade was a repeat of first grade with the fear of failure or not meeting expectations constantly looming, and Jordan was required to attend summer school in order to be promoted.

The second week of the third grade was the beginning of what would prove to be a pivotal time in my son’s academic life, for two reasons.  First, the third grade was his first encounter with an adult who openly showed disgust for him due to his lack of reading fluency and perceived lack of intelligence.  Late one afternoon, his teacher called me in for a meeting to inform me that my son was not “smart” and perhaps I should consider a less rigorous academic environment for him.  Before I could even gather my thoughts and put together a cogent response that wouldn’t showcase my rage, she added insult to injury by saying that she couldn’t even figure out how he landed in her third grade class with his lack of skills and abilities.  I could barely contain the anger that was roiling right below the surface as “mother bear” emerged and I jumped into advocacy mode.  Was this woman crazy?  Clearly she could recognize that my son was bright, curious, a hard worker and eager to learn.  What did she mean not “smart”?  Was her only gauge of a child’s intelligence the ability to read fluently?  If so, how was he being treated in class if she saw no value in any of his other strengths and abilities?  How devastating that must be for a child to be stuck somewhere for so many hours a day with your “team leader” showing unfettered disgust towards you. 

I immediately contacted the school administration to complain about the teacher and simultaneously decided at once to have my son evaluated for a learning disability, which proved to be the second pivotal event.  After many more insidious bald-faced insults and insinuations from this teacher my son was moved into another third grade class.  Much to my dismay, the teacher was never formally reprimanded, but gave Jordan a wide berth after that.  The formal evaluation led to a diagnosis of dyslexia.  His new third grade teacher happened to have a sibling who was dyslexic and understood fully that dyslexia is not a cognitive disorder but a difference in the way that graphic symbols are processed.  Dyslexia in no way stems from any lack of intelligence. People with severe dyslexia can be brilliant.  This new class and teacher did wonders for his self-esteem and confidence, by always focusing on Jordan’s strengths as opposed to highlighting his weaknesses.  Kudos to teachers who understand that learning disabilities (LDs) are not always cognitively based and are certainly not the end of a child’s world! 

Learning disabilities are not the same as intellectual disabilities (formerly known as mental retardation), sensory impairments (vision or hearing) or autism spectrum disorders.  People with LDs are of average or above-average intelligence but still struggle to acquire skills that impact their performance in school, at home, in the community and in the workplace.  Learning disabilities are lifelong, and the sooner they are recognized and identified, the sooner steps can be taken to circumvent or overcome the challenges they present.  Learning disabilities (LDs) are real and they affect the brain's ability to receive, process, store, respond to, and communicate information.  The hallmark sign of a learning disability is a distinct and unexplained gap between a person's level of expected achievement and their actual performance.  Learning disabilities affect every person differently and they present differently at various stages of development.  LDs can range from mild to severe and it is not uncommon for people to have more than one learning disability (though this is not true in Jordan’s case).  In addition, about one-third of individuals with LD also have Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).  While LD and AD/HD can share common features, such as difficulties with concentration, memory, and organizational skills, they are not the same types of disorder.  Unfortunately, LD is often confused with AD/HD and is frequently mistaken for laziness or associated with disorders of emotion and behavior.  A careful and thorough review of concerns, with input from multiple sources (including parents, educators, physicians, psychologists, speech-language providers and, of course, the affected person) is the only way to rule in or rule out a learning disability.

While there is still no proven cause of learning disabilities, there is knowledge related to its etiology.

• Heredity:  Often learning disabilities run in families.  Children with LD are likely to have parents or other relatives with similar difficulties (we are still searching for the undiagnosed culprit in our family).
• Problems during pregnancy and birth:  An illness or injury during or before birth may cause an LD.  Drug and alcohol use during pregnancy, low birth weight, lack of oxygen, and premature or prolonged labor may also lead to an LD.
• Incidents after birth:  Serious illness, head injuries, poor nutrition, and exposure to toxins such as lead can contribute to LD.

Learning disabilities are not caused by cultural differences or economic disadvantage, nor are they the result of lack of educational opportunity.  Learning disabilities can affect a person's ability in the areas of listening, speaking, reading, writing, spelling, reasoning and/or math.  They are lifelong challenges and although they don't go away, they should not stop individuals from achieving their goals.  A learning disability is not a disease, and there is no single course of treatment or intervention that works for everyone.  The first step to overcoming the challenges posed by a LD is to recognize that a problem might exist.  Oftentimes parents suspect that a LD exists but through their lack of action valuable time is lost. 

Once a learning disability is identified, different kinds of assistance can and should be provided.  In addition to specialized, explicit types of instruction, children with LD are entitled to have accommodations (such as extended time, readers, and note-takers) or modifications (such as abbreviated tests or alternate assignments) as deemed appropriate.  These guarantees are afforded to children with LD by law.

Self-esteem is a powerful predictor of success, but the daily struggles of learning disabilities can erode a child’s positive vision of themselves.  But don’t despair: as a parent, there is a lot you can do to help your child develop positive self-esteem.

1. Help your child feel special and appreciated.  Research indicates that one of the main factors that contribute to a child becoming resilient is the presence of at least one adult who helps the child to feel special and appreciated.  This adult does not ignore a child's problems, but focuses energy on a child's strengths.  One way for you to do this is to set aside time to focus on things that your child enjoys doing so that he has an opportunity to relax and to display his strengths. 
2. Help your child to develop problem-solving and decision-making skills.  High self-esteem is associated with solid problem-solving skills.  For example, if your child is having difficulty with a friend, you can ask her to think about a couple of ways of solving the situation.
3. Avoid comments that are judgmental and instead, frame them in more positive terms.  For example, a comment that often sounds accusatory is, "You’re not trying hard enough.  Put in more of an effort."  Many children do try hard and still have difficulty.  Instead say, "We need to figure out better strategies to help you."  Children are less defensive when the problem is cast as strategies that must be changed rather than as something deficient with their motivation.  This approach also reinforces problem-solving skills.
4. Be an empathetic parent.  Many well-meaning parents (myself included), out of their own frustration, have been heard to say such things as, "Why don't you listen to me?" or "Why don't you use your brain?"  If your child is having difficulty with learning, I have found it is best to be empathetic.  It is difficult, but I get more mileage out of Jordan when I tell him that I know he is struggling.  This way he is more inclined to be involved in thinking about possible solutions.
5. Provide choices for your child.  This will minimize power struggles!  Choices help to set the foundation for a feeling of control over one's life.
6. Do not compare siblings!  This is a tough one; but it is important not to compare siblings but to highlight the strengths of all children in your family.
7. Highlight your child's strengths.  Unfortunately, many children view themselves in a negative way, especially in terms of school.  Make a list of your child's individual areas of strength.  Select one of these areas and find ways of reinforcing and displaying it.  For example, if your child is a wonderful artist, display his artwork!  Jordan has framed artwork displayed in his room and prominently in the living room.
8.  Provide opportunities for your child to help.  Children seem to have an inborn need to help others.  Providing opportunities for children to help is a very concrete way of displaying their areas of strength and highlighting that they have something valuable to offer.  Helping others certainly boosts your child's self-esteem.
9. Have realistic expectations and goals for your child.  Realistic expectations provide your child with a sense of control.  The development of self-control goes hand-in-glove with self-esteem.
10. If your child has a learning disability, help your child to understand the nature of her problem.  Having accurate information can give your child a greater sense of control and a feeling that things can be done to help the situation.

For my readers with kids with LDs:  Think about when you first became concerned about your child’s ability to learn.  Maybe it was when your child began bringing home poor grades and was struggling in order to meet grade-level standards.  Perhaps you noticed that your child seemed sensitive and upset when it was time to go to school or do homework.  Who did you talk to about your concerns?  What action did you take?  Be your child’s greatest advocate!  Thanks for tuning in and have a Way Beyond Z Day!!

“Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself.  We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem.  We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.”  ~Iyanla Vanzant