My
son was born a full week past his expected date of arrival, after an amazing
and complication-free pregnancy, weighing in at over 8 lbs., 4 oz. My baby was perfect! My newborn son was alert, engaged and obviously a genius! He was a joyful soul with a happy
disposition, who gave smiles freely and laughed non-stop. Jordan was the happiest baby I’d ever
met! He vaulted past all his
milestones, many of them way ahead of schedule and skipped merrily through
toddlerhood and straight in into preschool. That experience was quite an adventure watching my curious
preschooler cultivate a love for learning and exploration. Preschool elapsed in what seemed like
the blink of an eye and my four-year-old was on his way to Kindergarten!
**It is of note to mention that Jordan’s
birthday is towards the end of the calendar year and he is always among, if
not, the youngest of his academic cohort.
Kindergarten
was good, but there were some bumps in the road like when the kindergarten teacher
began to mention that Jordan was not trying hard enough. What does that really mean when
referring to a 4-year-old? Was his
ability to mix finger paint lacking?
Were his “O’s” not rounding enough? Were his number 2’s misshapen? WTH?! I was
dismissive, my son was only 4 and I chalked it up to him still being quite
young. The teacher began to
comment about how he was having difficulty with his weekly spelling words and
how his handwriting was not up to par.
I could acknowledge that he did struggle a bit with decoding and his
handwriting was a bit messy… but his effort was great so what’s the big deal? I advocated for my son relentlessly and
his teacher and I became engaged in a war of wills.
I
chose to focus on my son’s strengths.
Jordan showed an exceptional understanding of math concepts and spatial
reasoning and relationships, even at this early age and showed an uncanny
ability to see the big picture.
Much to my dismay, his teacher was unable to celebrate these abilities
and talents and Jordan was constantly overshadowed by his poor pre-reading
skills. At his kindergarten
graduation I watched, with tears of pride in my son, and tears of sadness for
his disappointment in himself, as every other child received various awards for
writing and reading and all Jordan received was an award for perfect
attendance. I felt as though my
heart stopped beating as my son, looked at his father and I and said, “My
teacher never smiles at me like she does the other kids.” I realize now this was the beginning of
the unraveling of his fragile self-esteem.
Most
parents are aware that their child's feelings of self-worth are linked to
social and academic success, but they sometimes don't realize how easy it is to
damage their child's self-esteem.
Research shows that children with learning disabilities are especially
likely to suffer from a lack of self-esteem, but all children benefit when
their parents take steps to help them develop positive feelings of self-worth.
I
decided to transfer Jordan to another school for first grade and his
experiences there were more positive though he continued to struggle. He read on grade level but every new
word posed a challenge. Every word
added to his list of sight words was a hard earned battle. His dad and I continued to read to
Jordan every night and slowly but surely Jordan made steady progress. Jordan was a ravenous learner! Every bit and piece of information that
he came across through listening to others read and through hands on experience
and conversation became a part of his general knowledge. Jordan was still unable to master
decoding and but this wasn’t outside of the realm of “normal” as he was still
wasn’t even 6.5 years old by the end of the school year. Second grade was a repeat of first
grade with the fear of failure or not meeting expectations constantly looming,
and Jordan was required to attend summer school in order to be promoted.
The
second week of the third grade was the beginning of what would prove to be a
pivotal time in my son’s academic life, for two reasons. First, the third grade was his first
encounter with an adult who openly showed disgust for him due to his lack of
reading fluency and perceived lack of intelligence. Late one afternoon, his teacher called me in for a meeting
to inform me that my son was not “smart” and perhaps I should consider a less
rigorous academic environment for him.
Before I could even gather my thoughts and put together a cogent
response that wouldn’t showcase my rage, she added insult to injury by saying
that she couldn’t even figure out how he landed in her third grade class with
his lack of skills and abilities.
I could barely contain the anger that was roiling right below the
surface as “mother bear” emerged and I jumped into advocacy mode. Was this woman crazy? Clearly she could recognize that my son
was bright, curious, a hard worker and eager to learn. What did she mean not “smart”? Was her only gauge of a child’s
intelligence the ability to read fluently? If so, how was he being treated in class if she saw no value
in any of his other strengths and abilities? How devastating that must be for a child to be stuck
somewhere for so many hours a day with your “team leader” showing unfettered disgust
towards you.
I
immediately contacted the school administration to complain about the teacher
and simultaneously decided at once to have my son evaluated for a learning
disability, which proved to be the second pivotal event. After many more insidious bald-faced insults
and insinuations from this teacher my son was moved into another third grade class. Much to my dismay, the teacher was
never formally reprimanded, but gave Jordan a wide berth after that. The formal evaluation led to a diagnosis
of dyslexia. His new third grade
teacher happened to have a sibling who was dyslexic and understood fully that
dyslexia is not a cognitive disorder but a difference in the way that graphic
symbols are processed. Dyslexia in
no way stems from any lack of intelligence. People with severe dyslexia can be
brilliant. This new class and
teacher did wonders for his self-esteem and confidence, by always focusing on
Jordan’s strengths as opposed to highlighting his weaknesses. Kudos to teachers who understand that
learning disabilities (LDs) are not always cognitively based and are certainly
not the end of a child’s world!
Learning
disabilities are not the same as intellectual disabilities (formerly known as
mental retardation), sensory impairments (vision or hearing) or autism spectrum
disorders. People with LDs are of
average or above-average intelligence but still struggle to acquire skills that
impact their performance in school, at home, in the community and in the
workplace. Learning disabilities
are lifelong, and the sooner they are recognized and identified, the sooner
steps can be taken to circumvent or overcome the challenges they present. Learning disabilities (LDs) are real
and they affect the brain's ability to receive, process, store, respond to, and
communicate information. The
hallmark sign of a learning disability is a distinct and unexplained gap
between a person's level of expected achievement and their actual performance. Learning disabilities affect every
person differently and they present differently at various stages of
development. LDs can range from
mild to severe and it is not uncommon for people to have more than one learning
disability (though this is not true in Jordan’s case). In addition, about one-third of
individuals with LD also have Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder
(ADHD). While LD and AD/HD can
share common features, such as difficulties with concentration, memory, and
organizational skills, they are not the same types of disorder. Unfortunately, LD is often confused
with AD/HD and is frequently mistaken for laziness or associated with disorders
of emotion and behavior. A careful
and thorough review of concerns, with input from multiple sources (including
parents, educators, physicians, psychologists, speech-language providers and,
of course, the affected person) is the only way to rule in or rule out a
learning disability.
While there is still no proven cause of learning disabilities, there is knowledge related to its etiology.
- Heredity: Often learning disabilities run in families. Children with LD are likely to have parents or other relatives with similar difficulties (we are still searching for the undiagnosed culprit in our family).
- Problems during pregnancy and birth: An illness or injury during or before birth may cause an LD. Drug and alcohol use during pregnancy, low birth weight, lack of oxygen, and premature or prolonged labor may also lead to an LD.
- Incidents after birth: Serious illness, head injuries, poor nutrition, and exposure to toxins such as lead can contribute to LD.
Learning
disabilities are not caused by cultural differences or economic disadvantage,
nor are they the result of lack of educational opportunity. Learning disabilities can affect a
person's ability in the areas of listening, speaking, reading, writing,
spelling, reasoning and/or math. They
are lifelong challenges and although they don't go away, they should not stop
individuals from achieving their goals.
A learning disability is not a disease, and there is no single course of
treatment or intervention that works for everyone. The first step to overcoming the challenges posed by a LD is
to recognize that a problem might exist.
Oftentimes parents suspect that a LD exists but through their lack of
action valuable time is lost.
Once
a learning disability is identified, different kinds of assistance can and
should be provided. In addition to
specialized, explicit types of instruction, children with LD are entitled to
have accommodations (such as extended time, readers, and note-takers) or
modifications (such as abbreviated tests or alternate assignments) as deemed
appropriate. These guarantees are
afforded to children with LD by law.
Self-esteem
is a powerful predictor of success, but the daily struggles of learning
disabilities can erode a child’s positive vision of themselves. But don’t despair: as a parent, there
is a lot you can do to help your child develop positive self-esteem.
- Help your child feel special and appreciated. Research indicates that one of the main factors that contribute to a child becoming resilient is the presence of at least one adult who helps the child to feel special and appreciated. This adult does not ignore a child's problems, but focuses energy on a child's strengths. One way for you to do this is to set aside time to focus on things that your child enjoys doing so that he has an opportunity to relax and to display his strengths.
- Help your child to develop problem-solving and decision-making skills. High self-esteem is associated with
solid problem-solving skills. For
example, if your child is having difficulty with a friend, you can ask her to
think about a couple of ways of solving the situation.
- Avoid comments
that are judgmental and instead, frame them in more positive terms. For example, a comment that often
sounds accusatory is, "You’re not trying hard enough. Put in more of an effort." Many children do try hard and still
have difficulty. Instead say,
"We need to figure out better strategies to help you." Children are less defensive when the
problem is cast as strategies that must be changed rather than as something
deficient with their motivation.
This approach also reinforces problem-solving skills.
- Be an
empathetic parent. Many
well-meaning parents (myself included), out of their own frustration, have been
heard to say such things as, "Why don't you listen to me?" or
"Why don't you use your brain?"
If your child is having difficulty with learning, I have found it is
best to be empathetic. It is
difficult, but I get more mileage out of Jordan when I tell him that I know he
is struggling. This way he is more
inclined to be involved in thinking about possible solutions.
- Provide choices
for your child. This will minimize
power struggles! Choices help to
set the foundation for a feeling of control over one's life.
- Do not compare
siblings! This is a tough one; but
it is important not to compare siblings but to highlight the strengths of all
children in your family.
- Highlight your
child's strengths. Unfortunately,
many children view themselves in a negative way, especially in terms of school. Make a list of your child's individual
areas of strength. Select one of
these areas and find ways of reinforcing and displaying it. For example, if your child is a
wonderful artist, display his artwork!
Jordan has framed artwork displayed in his room and prominently in the
living room.
- Provide
opportunities for your child to help.
Children seem to have an inborn need to help others. Providing opportunities for children to
help is a very concrete way of displaying their areas of strength and
highlighting that they have something valuable to offer. Helping others certainly boosts your
child's self-esteem.
- Have realistic
expectations and goals for your child.
Realistic expectations provide your child with a sense of control. The development of self-control goes
hand-in-glove with self-esteem.
- If your child
has a learning disability, help your child to understand the nature of her
problem. Having accurate
information can give your child a greater sense of control and a feeling that
things can be done to help the situation.
For
my readers with kids with LDs: Think
about when you first became concerned about your child’s ability to learn. Maybe it was when your child began bringing
home poor grades and was struggling in order to meet grade-level standards. Perhaps you noticed that your child
seemed sensitive and upset when it was time to go to school or do homework. Who did you talk to about your concerns? What action did you take? Be your child’s greatest advocate! Thanks for tuning in and have a Way
Beyond Z Day!!
“Everything that happens to you is a
reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we
think we are worth.” ~Iyanla
Vanzant
