COMMUTER COMMANDMENTS

As a native New Yorker who has been riding the rails for my entire life, I’ve seen and experienced some pretty incredible things.  I’ve missed stops due to passengers who refused to allow free passage through doorways.  I’ve even been the victim of a crazy person who felt it appropriate to literally jump onto my back to fit herself into a crowded #4 train.  Yeah… she jumped onto my back, wrapping her twiggy legs around my waist, hanging on so tightly that she ripped the lining of my coat.  Two men who were squished in next to me, grabbed her and tossed her knuckle-dragging, occipital-bun having, clearly hanging on the outer limits of sanity self out of the crowded train and onto her behind on the platform, as the train doors slid closed.  She still managed to nearly rip my coat from my back and definitely managed to frighten the hell out of me! 

I’ve seen a rat walking up the flight of stairs to the street level making perfectly normal looking people knock each other over like bowling pins in an attempt to get out of Remy the rat’s way.  (Sorry kindly looking lady in the stylish blue seersucker suit… I really didn’t mean it.)

Anyhow, as I see it, in order to make everyone’s commute more tolerable (as commuting via public transportation can scarcely be characterized as pleasant) it boils down to a few key issues.  If you can adhere to some of them, most people can probably co-exist without having the urge to assault their fellow straphanger. 

1.  Thou shalt not groom

Every morning, without fail, I am sitting next to or standing beside someone who insists on continuing their unfinished morning personal grooming ritual on a crowded subway train.  This one is for the ladies… putting on a full face of makeup is considered personal grooming!  Brushing ones hair is also considered personal grooming and I would no more expect to witness you brushing your teeth or putting on deodorant on the subway. 

While makeup application and hair brushing are certainly annoying, dandruff scratching, zit popping and nail clipping are downright nasty and unhygienic… and I implore you to not engage in these behaviors in public.  Dandruff, pus and nail bits are not for sharing.       

2. Thou shalt not scarf

By this I mean eat meals on the subway.  Firstly, the odor of limburger and tuna may turn you on but might be gag inducing for some other passengers and everyone should be able to ride the subway without experiencing olfactory assault.  This commandment also extends itself to preparing meals on the subway.  A man was witnessed on the L train, recently, rifling through a shopping bag only to pull from it a loaf of bread, cold cuts and condiments, which he spread out over the adjacent seat (on a copy of the New York Times… for housekeeping purposes I suppose?!??) and proceeded to meticulously assemble and eat a sandwich… right there on a seat on the L train during rush hour.  Go figure.  In that vein, I’ve also seen people eat meals (pre-prepared thankfully) on the subway and discard the containers under seats just to have it tip over and have chicken bones rattling around all over the floor or discard half consumed sodas that soon spill and create a sticky mess… so gross.  Bottom line is the consumption of food and drink while commuting is rarely smooth.  Eat at home.  You're not saving any time.

3. Thou shalt not gag commuters with excessive PDAs

So, I get the whole love thing, but subway Public Displays of Affection (PDA) is gross!  Peck kisses are cute, but I don't want strangers doing it near my face.  Making out on a crowded subway is rude, and I assure you that no one wants to see your tongue dart around another person's mouth.  Let me also mention that there is no such thing as “sneaky” groping when you are packed into a tiny, underground space with a bunch of other people.  Sneaky groping is probably ruder than overt groping because it implies that you think your fellow subway riders are stupid… rent a room.  In short, deep tongue kissing, canoodling, sitting in laps, groping and of course anything beyond that should not be done during a subway ride… please!

4. Thou shalt not pole hug

Shouldn’t it be common sense that you should not hug a pole on a crowded subway?  Just as you shouldn't take up more than one seat on a crowded subway, you shouldn't take up more than one hand placement on a subway pole... and it goes without saying that using the pole as a back-scratcher is also unacceptable.  Speaking of seat hogging…  don't take up too much space on the seat.  You should only take up one seat.  Your laptop doesn't take priority over another passenger.  Men: you’re your genitals do not require you to spread your legs that far apart.  I’m just sayin’.

5. Thou shall remain clothed at all times

I was on a crowded #1 train taking my son to school one morning when a fellow commuter took off his shirt to sleep more comfortably on the subway.  Granted, he had a tank top underneath, but this man allowed his entire upper body to lounge free as a bird all over the seat as if he was sleeping on his home sofa.  Sure, you can catch up on some Z's while you’re commuting, but please remember that you are NOT at home taking a nap.  Leave your clothes on, people!  And if you have the misfortune of standing next to a person who is publicly disrobing, and their flesh is intruding into your space, you are allowed to wake them.  Kindly tap their arm, leg, neck, back of their hand… it’s whatever at this point, and ask if they wouldn't mind putting their shirt back on.  If they refuse, then get the heck out of dodge because the Lord only knows what will come off next.  EEW! 

6.  Thou shalt not deafen fellow straphangers

It’s seven in the morning on a crowded but quiet subway train.  Doors open at the next stop and you hear a voice, an annoying voice!  As it gets louder, other commuters exchange looks of dread, and suddenly, The Cell Phone Talker (CPT) bursts in, bellowing into her phone with a thick New York accent and devil may care attitude.  This scene plays out time and time again and it is über annoying each and every time.  Cut your conversation short, read a book and you may actually make it to your destination without pissing someone off enough to incite a rail rage situation.  This also applies to singing or rapping along with whatever music you’re listening to.    

     

Also, if the person next to you on the subway stares at you for what feels like a moment too long, like you might have something on your face, it's likely not because you are a vision of loveliness (though you may well be).  The blank stare is probably because he or she can hear the music coming out of your headphones.  Might want to turn that volume down.  Decibels kill… hearing.

7. Thou shalt not disseminate contagion

If you’re sick, stay at home!  If you decide that you need to spread contagion to your co-workers and decide to take the subway into your office, please just minimize the spread of contagion by following a few simple guidelines.  First, if you cough or sneeze, cover your mouth.  You should use the inside of your arm to do this.  DO NOT use your hand and then grab the pole!  That’s nasty and germy.  Also, keep your fingers out of your nose for obvious reasons (whether or not your sick) and please carry AND use tissues to conduct mucus management.  Keep your used tissues in your pocket, bags, hands, bra, socks or wherever on your person you’d like but DO NOT discard them on the subway. 

8. Thou shalt not funkdafy the subway   

I was on a very crowded #6 train recently and was standing unfortunately belly to belly with what looked to be a harmless looking young man.  Suddenly, he opened his mouth, peeled back his lips and yawned right in my face!  No hand over his mouth, no turned head, just a full on frontal assault of my senses.  The boy was a fire-breathing dragon!  The funk which emanated from the depths of this young man’s body singed my eyebrows, charred the lining of my nasal passages, caused my eyes to tear and my gag reflex kicked into gear… not pretty.  If you KNOW that you neglected to brush your teeth, scrub your tongue, missed your last 10 twice-annual appointments with your dentist, ate a half cooked possum with sardine marinade before boarding the subway… PLEASE, I implore you to keep your mouth closed or at the very least COVER it when you yawn!  If the last sentence applies to you, you should also refrain from close talking… please and thank you. 

  

More often than not, commuters are packed like krill on crowded, standing-room-only trains.  With literally nowhere else to go and with the crowd pushing you forward, finding yourself face first in another commuter’s armpit is an all too common scenario.  Train etiquette dictates that a commuter should only raise their hand to hold a pole if they are sure that there is no preexisting funk; therefore, without the application of deodorant, in no event shall a commuter raise their arm higher than that which would be required if performing the Macarena at a wedding or other special event.  That’s the rule… memorize it.  Be aware of your body odor, bad breath, or strong perfume, as this can be just as offensive.  A friend told me how he sat next to a commuter who took off his shoes to rest his tired feet, and stunk up the entire area.  It’s a good practice to keep your shoes on until you get home.

9. Thou shalt not block passage ways

Do not stop dead to think about where you want to head.  Slowly move with the flow of traffic until you choose where you want to go, or step aside while you figure it out.  Do not block doorways when you enter crowded subway cars as though you are the last person interested in entering the train.  It continues to amaze me how people will not move into the middle of the subway car where it is less congested, but prefer instead to block the entrance like a sentry standing guard.  Geez!

10. Thou shalt exercise common sense at all times

As uncommon as this is let us please try to restore common sense, as well as common courtesy… or at least civility so everyone can have a Way Beyond Z commute.

As an old proverb goes, politeness is to human nature what warmth is to wax — it softens us.

WHAT's GOING ON WITH DAKOTA?

It’s day one of first grade!  Yay!!  You see little Dakota off at the bus stop and turn around hoping that this school year is more fruitful than the last.  Your stomach knots thinking about the constant stream of phone calls that you received last year in reference to your kid’s behavior.  “Little Dakota isn’t getting along with the other children.”  “Little Dakota keeps interrupting me when I’m speaking.”  “Little Dakota is being disruptive.”  “Little Dakota this.”  “Little Dakota that.”  “Little Dakota… wah wah woh wah wah wah.”  (Think Ms. Othmar, the teacher from Charlie Brown.)

Day one passes uneventfully and your child returns home smiling and all is well with the world!  Days two and three are uneventful as well and you allow yourself to take a few shallow breaths.  Week two passes and you think you’re home free… perhaps Little Dakota has finally made a transition in terms of maturity!  Then the phone calls begin… sigh.  The teacher is complaining that your child is a behavioral issue and that perhaps he needs to be evaluated.  Now wait a minute!  Little Dakota doesn’t need an evaluation!  Dakota is perfectly able to follow rules at home and is quite amazingly able to focus effectively when he’s engaged in an activity that he’s interested in.  Dakota is also quiet and focused when he is lost in a book.  All of these things you relay to “Ms. Othmar”… who is, by the way, convinced that Little Dakota is an amped-up, alien-baby who’s an imminent danger to the future educational advancement of all his human classmates.  Sheesh!   What’s a parent to do? 

The truth is that Dakota may be bored out of his young, first grade mind and looking for alternate ways to entertain himself while enduring forced sequestration with children who he feels are no company for him.  The truth is that Little Dakota is very likely gifted.  Parents often wonder at one point or another whether their child is gifted.  What does gifted mean anyway?  What measure is used to assess the level of a child’s abilities?  Is it possible to be gifted in ways other than academically? 

The term, gifted, is used by different schools, organizations, and cultures in many different ways.  Little Dakota may have a well above average IQ (Intelligence Quotient), an extraordinarily high emotional IQ or a great level of maturity, but those aren’t the only gauges of gifted ability.  Gifted children may be gauged by a broader range of criteria.  The National Association for Gifted Children (NAGC) offers the following definition:

"Gifted individuals are those who demonstrate outstanding levels of aptitude (defined as an exceptional ability to reason and learn) or competence (documented performance or achievement in top 10 percent or rarer) in one or more domains. Domains include any structured area of activity with its own symbol system (e.g., mathematics, music, language) and/or set of sensorimotor skills (e.g., painting, dance, sports)."

Well before you think to have your child formally tested, consider that kids are often commonly identified as gifted by the observations of families, teachers, and friends.  Below are some of the characteristic traits of children gifted in terms of general intellectual ability, adapted from a detailed checklist from Austega (a group for people interested in resources for the gifted child).  Note: no one gifted child exhibits all the traits.

1. Learns rapidly, easily, and efficiently 
2. Has exceptionally large vocabulary for their age
3. Demonstrates unusual reasoning power
4. Has an unusually strong memory, but is bored with memorization and recitation
5. Needs little outside control — applies self-discipline
6. Has a liking for structure, order, and consistency
7. Is flexible in thinking patterns; makes unusual associations between remote ideas
8. Displays a great curiosity about objects, situations, or events; asks provocative questions
9. Makes good grades in most subjects
10. Has a power of concentration, an intense attention that excludes all else
11. Provides very alert, rapid answers to questions
12. Is resourceful, solving problems by ingenious methods
13. Has avid interest in science or literature
14. Reveals originality in oral and written expression
15. Has a power of abstraction, conceptualization and synthesis
16. Is secure emotionally
17. Tends to dominate peers or situations
18. Uses a lot of common sense
19. Displays a willingness to accept complexity
20. Is perceptually open to his or her environment

Your child may also show exceptional abilities in other categories such as specific academic aptitude, creative thinking and production, leadership, psychomotor ability, and visual and performing arts.

Academic aptitude specific to a particular subject

• shows similar characteristics to general intellectual ability but concentrated around one or a few fields
• has a long attention span in specific areas of interest
• learns rapidly, easily and with less repetition in one or a few specific areas (probably not all subject areas)
• likes or loves one or a few areas of knowledge
• likes to study some subjects more than others
• spends time voluntarily beyond ordinary assignments on projects of interest to him or her
• is able to extend learning from these key areas to various situations somewhat unrelated in orientation
• is able to show broad perspective on one or more subject areas
• is able to judge own and others' relative abilities in key areas of interest
• seeks assistance of others beyond his age or peer group for the purpose of extending knowledge in areas of interest

Creative thinking and production

• is fluent in producing and elaborating on ideas
• makes unusual associations between remote ideas
•  is flexible in thinking patterns
• senses when problems exist
• acts spontaneously, intuitively
• tolerates ambiguity and uncertainty
• senses inconsistencies and discontinuities
• readily guesses and makes hypotheses
• juggles or redefines elements of a problem or task
• can show intense concentration on a task
• retains own ideas in a discussion or collaboration
• provides multiple solutions or responses to problems
• is uninhibited in expression, sometimes radical
• is intellectually playful, interested in fantasy, imagination
• always trying to adapt or improve things
• has a keen sense of humor, seeing humor in situations others don't
• doesn't mind being different
• doesn't accept authoritarian pronouncements without own judgment
• asks provocative questions, challenges parents, teachers, written texts and other authorities
• is bored with memorization and recitation
• displays energy, sometimes disruptively
• produces unexpected, sometimes "silly" responses
• is considered, and perhaps resented, by some peers as "odd"
• can show unusual degrees of originality, concentration and persistent hard work on projects that capture their interest and imagination 

Leadership

• can stimulate and arouse others
•  organizes others
• recognizes skills and abilities possessed by others
• interacts with others easily showing social skills
• recognizes and can articulate the goals of a group
• can articulate ideas clearly
• can listen to others empathetically
• understands how people feel and how groups function
• can give directions clearly and effectively
• exercises authority reliably and responsibly
• can adopt non-leadership roles within a group
• can establish the mood of a group
• supports others in a group when appropriate
•  can coordinate the work of several individuals
• is often asked for ideas and suggestions
• is looked to by others when something must be decided 

Psychomotor ability

• is rhythmic
• is athletic
• likes to play physically
• has a suitable body build
• is coordinated, balanced and confident in physical activities
• is inventive in constructing or modifying games
• is energetic
• is able to understand the intellectual aspects of psychomotor activities
• demonstrates endurance, stamina and persistence in physical activities
• demonstrates prowess in physical activities 

Visual and performing arts

Music

•  has good sense of rhythm
• is well-coordinated
• discriminates musical and other sounds well
• understands musical relationships
• enjoys musical activities and demonstrates musical feeling
• shows tonal memory
• responds readily to rhythm, melody and harmony
• uses music to express feeling or experience
• makes up original tunes
• enjoys dance and dramatic activities with musical elements 

Drama/theatre

• demonstrates interest and enjoyment in dramatic activities
• readily shifts into role of another character, animal or object
• uses voice to reflect changes in mood
• demonstrates understanding of conflict when acting out a dramatic event
• communicates feelings by means of facial expressions, gestures and bodily movements
• enjoys evoking emotional responses from listeners
• demonstrates ability to dramatize feelings and experiences
• brings a dramatic situation to a climax with a well-timed ending when telling a story 

Art

• draws a variety of objects
•  puts depth into drawing, showing planning and good proportion
• treats art seriously and enjoys it
• shows originality in modes of undertaking art
• is willing to try out new materials and experiences
• pursues art in spare time
• uses art to express feelings and experiences
• is interested in other people's art, both appreciating it and criticizing it
• likes to model three dimensionally with clay, soap carving, plasticine, etc. 

Before you run out and have Dakota evaluated for a learning disability, consider that Dakota may be asking for a more challenging environment.  Give Dakota the benefit of the doubt… he just may be thinking on a WayBeyondZ level.

Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them.

IN SEARCH OF UNICORNS: Part II (Spark Notes Version)

I see that I touched on a few nerves with last Wednesday’s post.  I’m going to attempt to kill several proverbial birds with one well-lobbed stone and reiterate my position on being a “ride or die chick”… like it or not.

This is the part where I need you all to focus… the “ride or die chick” is different than a good woman!  Good women, in mutually beneficial relationships, where they not only offer, but receive, support are not subject to the “ride or die chick” phenomenon.  They are not falling prey to this perversion where women are being manipulated into thinking that they have to allow themselves to be doormats in order to accommodate someone else’s twisted impression of what it means to be loyal or dedicated.  Relationships require work and I am not referring to the NORMAL adversity that may arise.  Normal adversity is not always due to circumstances that could easily be avoided and is not always caused by only one party in the relationship.  I would not call this type of woman (nor would she likely allow herself to be referred to as) a “ride or die chick”.  A good woman will look at the man who (to use last week’s example) presents with a wife and five kids and needs a place to stay and she will insist that he prove himself to be trustworthy, loyal (a stretch with a wife in tow) and at the very least, a contributing member of her team BEFORE she opens her door and invites him in to stay… because she realizes that just any man will not do.  She will wait for (to use a comment from last week’s post) God to provide her with a good man and use the intelligence that God has bestowed upon her to evaluate the situation in its entirety and make an informed decision based on HER needs and the needs of her family.  God provided her with wisdom for a reason.  A good woman does not accept abuse, disrespect, dishonor and devaluation.  A good woman is loyal and loving and receives support in return.  A good woman exercises good judgment.  A “ride or die chick” has no concept of what any of this means and sees her life through the lens of the man who she is riding with or more significantly, dying for.

I worked for many years in a setting where I interacted with court involved youth.  This system is filled with many young women who are incarcerated and languishing there because they bought into this inane belief that a woman should stand by her man no matter what variety of nonsense he has the unabashed audacity to bring to her door.  They wore their twisted “ride or die” badge of honor proudly and as a result I’ve seen drug charges, assault charges (mostly from fighting the random women who the man they were “riding for” kept introducing into their lives and upon occasion from fighting the man himself after becoming fed up with the constant disrespect and abuse), a few murder charges (for the same reasons), robbery charges, grand and petit larceny and a variety of child abuse and neglect charges (because who has time to be a good mother when you have a man to ride or die for).  These women ADMIT to feeling devalued, having low self-esteem and being willing to do anything, even risking their own lives, freedom and their happiness for the sake of someone who does not love them reciprocally.  Don’t be mistaken… the “ride or die chick” does not only rear her head in prison settings, or among the young and inexperienced…. Oh no!  The “ride or die chick” is stealthily hiding in plain view.  She can be found in board rooms, court rooms, concert halls, church pews... and mirrors.  The “ride or die chick” is a mother, sister, friend and confidant.

 

As an artist, my job is to generate healthy discussions, and given the number and variety of responses I’ve received, I’ve done just that.  Many of my posts are not told from my own perspective but from the perspective of others and I use many observations and discussions with other people as fodder.  The post last week sprung from a conversation that I had a few weeks ago with a young and cherished woman in my family who recanted a recent incident involving a young female acquaintance of hers who was cajoled into performing an illegal act by her boyfriend (and I use that term loosely, as no man who loves and cherishes you would manipulate you into standing by his side in the face of potential danger.  Love doesn’t require personal sacrifice from one party greater than the other party is willing to endure themselves).  He pressured this woman, using the very term that women have been conditioned to respond to… he taunted her for not being his “ride or die chick” (hence the post topic) until she relented.  Unfortunately, this young woman is looking at a substantial term of confinement as a result of her low self-esteem (yes, I said it) and inability to refuse a ridiculous request because of her dedication and loyalty to someone who was clearly undeserving.  She simply could not accept that having no man is better than having one who doesn’t love you enough to, not only keep you out of harm’s way, but not use you as a shield to protect himself from harm’s way.

 

The take away here is not to be so desperate for companionship that you become shortsighted.  I think we can all agree that a good woman supports her family; she stands up for, stands beside, and holds up said family.  When she gets mowed over, disrespected, manipulated into acting against her own character… and still holds on to that man, she moves from being a good woman to being a “ride or die chick”.  Copious amounts of Vaseline (to protect against scaring), brawl related hospital stays, regular interaction with local law enforcement, court appearances and most importantly: incessant feelings of expectations that are not reciprocated are not signs of a fruitful relationship.  From one good woman to another, if you find yourself in turbulent waters and your man is holding on to you as tightly as you are to him… and not trying to climb onto your back to use you as a life raft or submissive partner, then by all means hold on with both hands!  You are going WayBeyondZ! 

Nothing is perfect.  Life is messy.  Relationships are complex.  Outcomes are uncertain.  People are irrational.

~Hugh McKay