CALL A TIME OUT

I walk into the house after a full day at work and kids materialize out of nowhere.  Julia is explaining the process of how her crayfish, Spike, has shed his shell (don’t judge me… she wants to be a veterinarian, thought it would be interesting to further observe him and brought Spike home from school after they were done with the lesson on freshwater crustaceans).  Jordan is vying for my attention and thinks this is the perfect time to explain his theory on global warming and how this ties into our new and strange weather patterns.  The nanny is asking rapid-fire questions and relaying what she believes to be pertinent information about the last 9 hours and why this information cannot wait another second until I drop my bag and take my damn shoes off.  The dogs are barking and wagging and my cell phone and doorbell are ringing… Calgon, take me away!

 

I don’t get how my mother was able to raise me, mostly alone, manage to keep the house tidy, the kitchen and bathroom sparkling clean and medical facility sanitized, cook full meals… every day, ensure that homework was done, enforce bedtime compliance all while still working full time and sometimes an extra job to make her ends meet.  Let’s not mention that she washed all the laundry BY HAND, ironed, folded and put everything away EVERY weekend.  My mom accomplished this while always looking well put together, well rested and poised.  Linda Carter, Elizabeth Montgomery nor Barbara Eden had anything on my mama!  Mama Glo, Sr. was the real Wonder Woman, Samantha Stevens and Jeannie combined!

 

I hold my own, don’t get me wrong.  My kids are well fed, dressed and mannerly, my house is clean and tidy, and I’m on top of my laundry, but somehow, I don’t always feel so rested.  In fact, there are days when I am straight up overwhelmed!  I sometimes struggle to find balance in my life and in my family.  Single parenting two kids requires a lot of time and energy!  After a painful separation, managing the academic challenges of one dyslexic child, and one academically gifted child I had to find a way to achieve that balance and some of it for myself.  In order to keep from burning out I had to take time for myself whenever possible.  Find activities that offer a fresh perspective.  Look for positive things to focus on.  When you’re feeling at the end of your rope, remind yourself of your children’s strengths, talents, and all the good things they offer you and your family.  Remind your children of their strengths as well, as often as possible.

Some other suggestions are to: 

1. Create Routines – Routines are established by parents to manage their own behavior and also to manage the behavior of their children.  A routine actually nurtures the positive overall growth of your child and helps to create consistency.  Routines don’t allow for frenzy and uncertainty; they foster security.  Most importantly, stick to the routine each and every day and watch your life become more manageable.
2. Nurture – A part of every single day should be devoted to nurturing your relationship with your children.  The specific time for nurturing must suit your family’s schedule and what that time is doesn’t matter.  What does matter is that you spend some time every day doing something with your children.  Choose an activity (games, exercises, dancing or just being silly) that nurtures you and your children’s spirit.  Your kids will appreciate the time spent and this time will allow you to become child-like once again yourself.  Remember, the quality of your children’s emotional growth is largely a part of their reflection of their relationship with you.  
3. Create Limits – Feeling hopeful and empowered with your child starts with you defining the “limits” of what you think is acceptable behavior.  Set limits on how your children behave, but not on your children’s spirit.  The defining of “limits” is necessary not only for your peace of mind, but also for your child’s development in knowing when and what acceptable behavior is.   It’s important to be consistent in the enforcement of these limits.  Your kids need to know that you mean what you say… all the time.  This will greatly cut down on their challenging behavior.  If you allow your child “just-this-one-time-only”, what you’re doing is giving permission for this scenario to take place time and time again (after which follows anger, frustration and feelings of being overwhelmed. 
4. Create Time – Less is more.  Start by doing less each day.  We parents generally create the overwhelming feelings that we experience by over programming our days.  Children (and their parents) honestly benefit from “down time.”  When you are going in too many directions at once, you are creating stress and strain.  Sure Julia’s dance lessons and Jordan’s soccer practices, etc. are important – but sometimes you just have to find activities that are done at home, and in the name of sanity.  To feel less overwhelmed, make the occasional cut and you will create a more relaxing and manageable family life.
5. Make Time for Yourself  – This is a time for you to remind yourself that you do have control of your life and you do need to take care of yourself. There are many examples of healthy personal time which makes your heart happy (and making your heart happy is very, very important for your entire well-being):  time spent apart from your children (call a sitter), time spent in a warm bubbly bath (mommy time often happens after my kids are asleep), time spent on a date with your special other… or any other (again call the sitter), time spent doing an activity that makes you feel good (running, gardening, reading, basket weaving… whatever), time spend JUST BEING STILL.  Being good to yourself is the most important thing you can do in life – it benefits you, your children, your mate and your work life.  

Try to adopt at least some of the above-suggested tips daily.  You may find yourself more in control, your life more livable, more enjoyable and more relaxing.  Keep up the good work you are doing and don’t forget to spend some quality time on yourself... Please place the mask over your own mouth and nose before assisting others. 

Have a Way Beyond Z day!!

“Rest and peace should not be left until you're deceased. They are two vital life ingredients everybody needs and seeks.” ― Rasheed Ogunlaru

“It's better to oversleep and miss the boat than get up early and sink.”

― Elizabeth Jane Howard, Mr. Wrong

WHERE CAN THE BLACK AND BROWN BOYS GO?

On February 26, 2012, in Sanford, Florida, a 17-year-old high school student, Trayvon Martin, was fatally shot by George Zimmerman, a mixed race (white and Peruvian), 28-year-old, overzealous, armed, son of an ex-judge, neighborhood watch coordinator for the gated community where Martin was temporarily staying and where the shooting took place.  Following an earlier call from Zimmerman (during which he was clearly heard calling the unknown youth a punk and during which the police instructed him not to pursue the youth) police arrived within two minutes of a gunshot during a scuffle, in which Zimmerman had fatally shot Martin.  Zimmerman was taken into custody, treated for head injuries, questioned for five hours, and then released.  The police chief said that Zimmerman was released for lack of evidence and lack of legal grounds for arrest, and that Zimmerman had a right to defend himself with lethal force. 

Six weeks later, amid widespread, intense and contradictory media coverage and misleading reporting, Zimmerman was charged with murder by a special prosecutor appointed by Governor Rick Scott.  Zimmerman's trial began on June 10, 2013, in Sanford.  On July 13, 2013, a jury comprised of all white women, acquitted him of second-degree murder and of manslaughter charges.

On February 26, 2012, a great deal of things that may have been on the back burner in a lot of black and brown parents’ minds was forced front and center.  I’m not suggesting that the dark thoughts didn’t exist prior to February 26^th, I’m just saying that most people of color have been fed round after round of “Repressitol” tablets, along with regular doses of red, cherry flavored, we-now-live-in-a-world-where-race-or-skin-color-doesn’t-matter, Kool-Aid.  On July 13, 2013, it became impossible to suppress, repress, ignore, sweep-under-the-rug, or deny the evil and dark thoughts, and the undeniable facts from whence they emanate, that were swirling and building momentum.  The acquittal of the smiling George Zimmerman and the subsequent media coverage that suggested that “poor George” was merely defending himself caused most people of color to consider refusing another drink of the proverbial, calming Kool-Aid, and palming the “Repressitol” tablet that we are all expected to ingest for the sake of “civility” (how ironic). 

What did Trayvon Martin, Emmett Till, Sean Bell, Oscar Grant, Jordan Davis and any other black and brown youth, and nameless victims have in common?  They were all perceived threats to the fabric of American society.  These young men are the bottom of the barrel when it comes to who we value in our society.  These young men most likely knew that in America, people will discount you for who you are before you open your mouth, simply because you are black or brown.  The shameful, dark and evil thoughts that burst from my head on July 13^th immediately took up residence on my young, brown, long-haired, free-spirited, open-minded, creative, kind and loving son’s shoulders.  He carries the burden of being a black or brown, male in America. 

When Jordan asked me to explain why someone was killed and his killer wasn’t punished it broke my heart to have to explain that the acquittal of George Zimmerman is another example of how America devalues the lives of its black men and perceives them as threatening and expendable just because of the color of their skin.  It pained me to have to explain to him that he should always be respectful to law-enforcement, not because it’s the right thing to do in a “civilized” society, but because it may one day save his life.  It angered me that I will have to constantly caution him about the tone of his voice, the pace at which he ambulates (God forbid he’s seen running for no reason) and the way he dresses, as these are things his friends who are not brown or black will never be burdened with.  It floors me that I will have to do this until his free spirit is reigned in and he is conscious of his every action.  It almost kills me to know that no matter what he does, or doesn’t do he will likely be routinely stopped by the police and possibly accused of a crime because he “fits a profile”.  It disgusts me that I will have to instruct him repeatedly to bear the humiliation of said routine stop or interrogation and not to say a word or talk back, to avert his eyes and speak in a calming tone and remember to habitually take his “Repressitol” tablet, lest his ire at this injustice may rise and he may join the ranks of the countless number black and brown victims.  I want to protect my son and keep him alive… so I take another sip of the calming, red Kool-Aid, and another “Repressitol” and tell my son, through my teachings, that his life is only invaluable to me and that he is Trayvon Martin.  Then I keen.

I am deeply saddened, and ask where can the black and brown boys go to be kept safe?  Some families choose to take a chance (by necessity in most cases) and raise them in the inner cities, teach them to be street-savvy, expose them to all different kinds of people and experiences and run the risk of them being victimized by another black or brown person.  Other black and brown families, who can afford to relocate to a less urban and more integrated community, like the gated community Trayvon’s father, Tracy, moved to, face the possibility that their sons’ may be racially profiled and criminalized without actually doing anything.  It seems hopeless.  There is no safe place.  

  

Where can we take our black and brown boys so they won’t be lost to thugs, to drugs, to prison or to the police?  I wish I had the answers…  What are some of your Way Beyond Z solutions?       

“In this country American means white. Everybody else has to hyphenate.” - Toni Morrison

“To cheapen the lives of any group of men, cheapens the lives of all men, even our own. This is a law of human psychology, or human nature. And it will not be repealed by our wishes, nor will it be merciful to our blindness.”  - William Pickens

THIS JUST ISN'T THE RIGHT FIT... But what is?

So, you all are aware by now that I have a dyslexic son.  You are also aware that he’s had a very difficult time being successful in school due to a number of reasons that have converged at the worst possible time, least of which is the burgeoning onset of puberty and the development of a lasting self-image combined with the loss of a consistent role model.  The majority of the problem sets squarely on the fact that Jordan has been in a school that just isn’t the right fit.  

Children’s bodies, minds, emotions and spirits combine to make unique individuals, and it is the responsibility of us, as parents, to ensure that as with anything else, the school fits the child and not the other way around.  This mix affects the kind of environment in which each child learns best.  After all, when you think of it, schools aren’t any more “one size fits all” than a pair of shoes or pants.  Unfortunately, we seem to spend more time and effort evaluating our cars and appliances than appraising the quality of our children’s schools.   

    

When considering a school the question boils down to the following:  which qualities, in their unique combination within your child, really matter for choosing a school?  Which of your child's strengths will assist him in with meshing with certain teachers, peers and expected ways of learning?  Which of your child's weaknesses can be addressed at school, and which cannot?  When your child's and family's needs fit well with what your child's school offers, you can then say that you have found a great fit!  Until then… keep looking. 

Fortunately, there are a number of characteristics that come to mind in terms of finding that “great fit”.   Not every characteristic is important for matching every child to the right school. You'll need to decide which ones are really important for your family. Most children and families will have only a small number of characteristics that are top priorities for selecting a school.  For me, the choice boils down to how my child learns and how the school is able to accommodate his learning style and learning accommodations and services. 

• What Your Child Learns:  These are aspects of your child that affect what subjects and at what level of difficulty your child should be taught at school.  These include your child's basic learning capability, other capabilities, and interests.
• How Your Child Learns:  This is a biggie!  These are aspects of your child that affect how a school should teach and interact with your child both in and outside of the classroom.  These include your child's learning styles, motivation, physical and mental health challenges, behavior challenges, learning disabilities and disorders, and self-understanding.
• Social Issues:  This includes the need for social contact with particular friends from the child's perspective.
• Practical Matters:  This includes essential extracurricular activities that may be compelling choice factors for some children.

Good luck on your journeys as you search for the right academic environments for your most precious gifts.  My journey is exhausting and seems endless, but I promised my son that I will go Way Beyond Z on his behalf... so the trek continues.  Have a Way Beyond Z Day!