GROWING UP IS HARD ENOUGH

As I sit and think about my childhood, it occurs to me that I had a charmed life.  Loving parents, private schools, family vacations, piano lessons… yadda, yadda, yadda.  My parents separated (they never got around to getting divorced) when I was around five.  This was an event that literally could have ripped my full-of-giggles, trusting, forever-skipping, pigtails-swinging, precocious, itty-bitty, Afro-Latino girl self to shreds… but it didn’t.  I managed to keep moving without a blip or a hitch or even a hiccough.  I have to thank my parents for this.  They collectively mobilized their get-the-hell-out-before-I-grow-to-hate-you selves and made a conscious effort to parent in a way that their decision to change the course of their lives did not cause a blip, hitch or hiccough in my life… and it didn’t.  My parents loved me enough to put my need to have space and time to wrap my child’s mind around their adult decisions ahead of their own need to get-a-groove-going-as-soon-as-humanly-possible-and-act-a-damn-fool-and-flaunt-it.  Whew!  Thank you mom and dad for showing consideration, and for remembering that the choice to have a full-of-giggles, trusting, forever-skipping, pigtails-swinging, precocious, itty-bitty, Afro-Latino girl was yours.

Of course, I eventually adjusted to my life with a single mother who was often tired, overworked, underpaid and oddly, always dancing (as she tried to balance my needs and her checking account... which was not so oddly, often quite unbalanced).  My mama had a will of steel, took no shortcuts, had dinner on the table, washed clothes by hand (and walls on Saturdays), checked homework, picked me up from piano, violin and ice-skating lessons all while making me think that she had latent psychic abilities, because she ALWAYS knew when Hayden put a note in my book bag… before I got home from school.  I was never made to spend time with her “friend”.  There were no happy-couple canoodles or I-gotta-claim-what-I’ve-recently-found-and-show-the-world-that-I’m-secure-in-it displays at violin recitals, graduations or ice-skating competitions, without my permission (which I gave some of the time).  I found out much later, when my mom thought I could understand it that she did this to keep the messaging to me consistent.  She knew that she and my dad had never divorced and she didn’t want me to stop believing in the institution of marriage, so she neither glorified infidelity nor celebrated cohabitation, for that would have inspired thoughts that marriage was a fleeting thing that did not warrant being taken seriously.  My mom, in her infinite wisdom allowed me to go at my own pace and didn’t rush my adjustment.  Thanks again mom for not crushing my belief system or confusing me with mixed messages!     

My dad visited our home every other day, ate dinner with us regularly and still took me to piano, violin and ice-skating lessons.  He was the one who walked me through the ins and outs of American politics (Gerald Ford actually cried when he wasn’t elected in 1976), took me to see the Yankees, introduced me to the finer points of the rope-a-dope, and reminded me daily that I was a princess and should be treated as such.  Everything was not ideal though.  My dad eventually had a live-in girlfriend, who said unkind things to me when my dad wasn’t in earshot and who vaguely resembled a hammerhead shark, and who I mistakenly referred to as “the barracuda” (but never in mixed company because after all, I was a princess and princesses just didn’t say things like that).  Daddy was aware that “the barracuda” and I were like oil and water and was considerate enough to never push the issue.  He once told me that as they were planning to spend the remainder of their lives together that left a lot of time for family bonding.  He removed the urgency from the situation and I eventually came around.  She and I never became great friends, as I never forgot the unkindness that she had shown me, but we were friendly and certainly were able to enjoy good times together over the years that their relationship lasted (which were not a lifetime… thank God!).   

Of course, my mom wasn’t psychic, though I still have my suspicions, and my dad never dated an aquatic animal, that I’m aware of, but they both certainly took their commitment to parenting seriously!  In short, my parents were willing to be parents first, before being someone else’s boyfriend or girlfriend.  The key to my happiness was that my parents knew that the less my life changed the more stable I felt and the more confident and secure in my parents’ love I felt.  Security makes the ability to adapt easier and the overall process go more quickly and more smoothly.  Of course, separated and divorced people move on to eventually become someone else’s significant other or spouse and sometimes additional children are added to the mixture, but there is naturally a transition period and everyone doesn’t transition at the same pace or rate and these differences in pace and rate should be acknowledged, accounted for and respected.  

Readers, what’s the rush?  You have a lifetime, no?  Why make your children unnecessarily miserable?  Do you really want to be the topic of conversation at a therapy session twenty years down the line when your son or daughter has a problem overcoming trust issues?  Make a commitment to safeguarding your kids’ psyche.  Thanks for tuning in and have a Way Beyond Z Day!!             

Although there are many trial marriages... there is no such thing as a trial child.  ~Gail Sheehy

ADAPT OR MALADAPT... that is the question

People are funny.  Not funny, "ha-ha", but funny as in strange, queer, peculiar… call it what you will.  It seems to me that once we skip, hop, swing and see-saw our way through childhood we forget what it was like to be a child and to at the mercy of those who are older, stronger and supposedly there to protect, guide and care for us on an emotional level as well as to provide for our basic needs. 

Adults disregard and disrespect the wishes of children, discount their existence, assuming that because they are small and dependent, they have neither valid opinions nor anything substantive to offer, as though we don't remember ever trying to express an important thought or feeling as a child and how necessary is was to us that our profound thought was well received.  Unfortunately, we can exert our will, as adults, and children have very few, if any, tools to safeguard, gird or shield themselves with.  At this point, a child's only option is to (graciously or ungraciously) accept whatever is offered, fair or not, not because it makes sense, but because it's what the adult selfishly chooses.  What really strikes me as peculiar is that we expect unconditional respect and obedience from the spurned child in return.    

Far too many children, as a result of having their voices stifled, fall victim to the nefarious actions of selfish and sometimes even criminally intentioned adults.  As resilient and adaptable as children are, as they mostly learn to survive and recreate themselves to accommodate the intentions and actions of the adults in their lives, this is not often done without scarring.  Many children grow up to exhibit clear, if not overt, signs of having survived a "Dickensian" childhood.  Whether or not these scars are visible, if you ask the "survivors", they remember many details of their less than idyllic and sometimes abusive and lonely childhood.  Sadly, without focused intervention, adults who were unfortunate enough to have experienced abuse, abandonment and lack of parental love and acceptance will oftentimes, unwittingly, repeat this cycle.  Thankfully, this has not been the case for many of us.

More commonly found are the cases where selfish adults, believing that children have the unique ability to bounce back, believe that it's perfectly acceptable to disregard their feelings.  These adults mistakenly believe that children will "get over it" or "deal with" the emotional fallout of their lack of regard.  This behavior is just as damning, albeit its effects are not as clearly visible.  A child's psyche should be handled with care lest you stunt a child's spirit, creativity and feelings of acceptance and empowerment to affect a change in their lives.  Alas, some  children adapt smoothly, but others will regretfully develop maladaptive and anti-social behavior as a result of the lack of parental or adult care and concern for them as whole and complete beings, who experience valid feelings.  

Children tend to remember acts of kindness as well as of disrespect, lack of regard and unkindness whether in words or in deeds and, furthermore, carry those lessons and experiences with them forever.  We are a sum total of all of our experiences.  For better or for worse, our experiences shape and mold us.   
  

Readers, how many of you can remember small acts of kindness from your childhood?  Pain?  Trauma?  Disappointment?  How did those incidents make you feel?  Do you remember feeling small and powerless or big and strong?  Be mindful, bullying can take on many forms and often doesn't take place in a schoolyard.  As adults we need to consider how committed we are to our personal agendas.  Is your agenda valid enough to misshape a child to further it?  Make a commitment to love a child today... and have a Way Beyond Z day! 
   

          

 "What a child doesn't receive he can seldom later give."  ~P.D. James, Time to Be in Earnest